Reply to Gender Disappointment- looking for proactive ways to get over it

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, ignore the posters telling you that you shouldn't feel this way. Our feelings and reactions to stuff like this are the result of lots of factors beyond your control.

I actually found it helpful to think about that when I was learning my baby's sex. Like a PP, I was convinced I was having a boy (I honestly don't know why) and was stunned when they told me my baby was a girl. I wouldn't say I was disappointed, but I was shocked by how much it seemed to impact how I felt. I have a complex relationship with my own mom, and I think I was nervous to recreate that dynamic with a daughter. I think it was easier for me to think about having a boy early in my pregnancy, because that felt like a fresher start, a different situation that would be easier to make my own instead of repeating old patterns.

But talking through it and recognizing that my hopes and expectations were based on stuff from my childhood helped me, because it reminded me that my feelings [i]had nothing to to do with my actual baby.[/I] I was not surprised or sad or disappointed in my baby, I was just wrestling with some stuff in my own life. And the truth is, I was going to wrestle with that stuff no matter what my baby's sex was. I wound up journaling about it a bit, and making a list of the things I was worried about now that I knew my baby was a girl. I also went to therapy and talked through my issues with my mom, and made some concrete decisions about how much my mom was going to be around for the birth and early days in order to give me space to create the loving and respectful dynamic I still have with my daughter today (she's 4).

So that's what I would suggest to you. I think it's good you are acknowledging your disappointment -- that's healthier than just burying it or ignoring it. I would dig into where the disappointment is coming from, what fears might have been hiding underneath your hope that are now being exposed. Then deal with them. We all bring baggage into parenthood. Learning to process it and deal with it in a mature, productive way is one of the healthiest things you can do. You are getting an early start. Your baby is lucky for it.

And to those saying that this isn't grief, know that for me, I discovered it was grief, just somewhat misplaced. Essentially, I was grieving the positive, supportive relationship with my mother that I never had. It's not that I was grieving my baby -- it really had very little to do with my baby. I was grieving part of my own life. That was real and it mattered. Give OP space to do the same. I am sorry for anyone who is dealing with grief, hardship, or disappointment. I hope you get the support you need to get through it.[/quote]

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