Why/how do you date people you're not attracted to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

Yep. I've NEVER heard a man be told the same about a woman. "Sure she's ugly and terrible, but she's SUCH a good person! Give her a chance!" Never, ever heard that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

Yep. I've NEVER heard a man be told the same about a woman. "Sure she's ugly and terrible, but she's SUCH a good person! Give her a chance!" Never, ever heard that.

Ditto. I dated a wonderful man in my 20s, who was smart, kind and rich, but I literally felt physically repulsed by him. I could not imagine spending a lifetime in a relationship like that (both for his sake and mine). But several of my close friends seemed to suggest that I should just ignore my repulsion and marry him anyway. I'm glad I didn't, we both found much better matches for ourselves down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

Yep. I've NEVER heard a man be told the same about a woman. "Sure she's ugly and terrible, but she's SUCH a good person! Give her a chance!" Never, ever heard that.

Ditto. I dated a wonderful man in my 20s, who was smart, kind and rich, but I literally felt physically repulsed by him. I could not imagine spending a lifetime in a relationship like that (both for his sake and mine). But several of my close friends seemed to suggest that I should just ignore my repulsion and marry him anyway. I'm glad I didn't, we both found much better matches for ourselves down the line.

You did the right thing. It's not worth all the money in the world to want to throw up every time you look at someone you committed to spending the rest of your life with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attraction does grow. But there has to be some to begin with.

+1

I know it takes me longer than most, too. With my boyfriend now, I thought he was generally attractive initially, but I wouldn’t say I thought he was hot. One year later, I can’t WAIT to jump his bones when he walks through the door. Just think he’s the sexiest ever. I dunno, brains are weird. I knew I had to give myself some time and I definitely got there.

[Anonymous]

I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

Yep. I've NEVER heard a man be told the same about a woman. "Sure she's ugly and terrible, but she's SUCH a good person! Give her a chance!" Never, ever heard that.

It's more common than you think during the HS/college years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

Well, for what it's worth, I am a woman and wasn't necessarily physically attracted to my husband until I knew him and then I was very attracted and still am. I guess I am a stereotypical woman that way (attracted via mental.emotional, vs. physical) but it's not because I am being told to not be shallow. OR if I am being told that, it works

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

But from whom? Your friends? Your parents?

Everyone. Friends, parents, acquaintances, strangers at parties.

I can’t even count the number of times a friend, family member, or acquaintance has tried to set me up with a guy and started with “I know he’s not physically your type, but he’s such a great guy....” Even now my sister is trying to set me up with her boss who is almost 20 years older than me (!!) but he’s “sooooo nice”

I remember reading a book about dating for teenage girls when I was maybe 13/14. One of the key pieces of advice was to always give a guy a second date, even if you weren’t attracted to him.

Ugh. Amazing that women give that advice to other women.

I am one of those people, am I a terrible feminist?

MY theory, b/c it's my experience is that if someone is "so nice" and you get to know them and like them, you may very well become attracted to them. So you can't say with just a picture if you will or won't be attracted after knowing them a bit.

I realize that's not everyone's experience, but it's mine. Sure, there are some butt ugly guys - or guys with red hair - i would never date because it's will never happen and I know that about myself. Maybe my standards are so low the guy has to be really, really ugly (or have red hair? I just squeem at red hair).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

Everyone knows men are generally too shallow to do that.

I do know some really attractive men who married unattractive women. Not wives who later lost their looks, but women who were never good looking. The men were generally looking for a certain package of qualities that fit their lifestyle aspirations such as piety, fringe political values, good with kids, strict veganism, wanting to travel non-stop/live abroad, or devote their lives to a draining cause. I also, unfortunately, know men of color (including in my family) who were only going to marry white women and sometimes resorted to marrying white women who were not just unattractive women, but awful people. I have a cousin who married a HS drop out with severe meth mouth and a trio of kids in state care.

Yep. I've NEVER heard a man be told the same about a woman. "Sure she's ugly and terrible, but she's SUCH a good person! Give her a chance!" Never, ever heard that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

But from whom? Your friends? Your parents?

Everyone. Friends, parents, acquaintances, strangers at parties.

I can’t even count the number of times a friend, family member, or acquaintance has tried to set me up with a guy and started with “I know he’s not physically your type, but he’s such a great guy....” Even now my sister is trying to set me up with her boss who is almost 20 years older than me (!!) but he’s “sooooo nice”

I remember reading a book about dating for teenage girls when I was maybe 13/14. One of the key pieces of advice was to always give a guy a second date, even if you weren’t attracted to him.

Ugh. Amazing that women give that advice to other women.

I am one of those people, am I a terrible feminist?

MY theory, b/c it's my experience is that if someone is "so nice" and you get to know them and like them, you may very well become attracted to them. So you can't say with just a picture if you will or won't be attracted after knowing them a bit.

I realize that's not everyone's experience, but it's mine. Sure, there are some butt ugly guys - or guys with red hair - i would never date because it's will never happen and I know that about myself. Maybe my standards are so low the guy has to be really, really ugly (or have red hair? I just squeem at red hair).

I think this is actually pretty common (from talking to my female friends). But over the years I have realized I am just not one of those women - for me, attraction is either there or it's not, and I know pretty early on which way it's going to go. TBH, I wish I were not built like this (and have tried to force myself not to be!) but it's never worked out when I have tried to ignore this fact about myself. Like your thing with red hair - my turn off has always been super short guys (i.e. under 5'4"). I fully recognize it's a superficial preference, but I was never able to get past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because 80% of women are attracted only to the top 20% of men. Simple math shows that majority of women need to date a man she is not attracted to.

+1. Exactly. There are a lot of good men out there getting passed over because women's requirements are all out of whack. But as the 80 percent of men are saying now: "If you ignored me in your 20s, why would I give you my time when you're ready to 'settle' in your 30s and 40s? No thanks, I'll focus on building my wealth. Women are money drains." They have a good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because 80% of women are attracted only to the top 20% of men. Simple math shows that majority of women need to date a man she is not attracted to.

+1. Exactly. There are a lot of good men out there getting passed over because women's requirements are all out of whack. But as the 80 percent of men are saying now: "If you ignored me in your 20s, why would I give you my time when you're ready to 'settle' in your 30s and 40s? No thanks, I'll focus on building my wealth. Women are money drains." They have a good point.

I think that’s mainly said by men who have issues with women. My friends have dated and married guys all across the spectrum, from terribly ugly ones to classically handsome ones. No one can agree on who is the hottest because we have different preferences, and what’s ugly for one is hot for another and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because 80% of women are attracted only to the top 20% of men. Simple math shows that majority of women need to date a man she is not attracted to.

+1. Exactly. There are a lot of good men out there getting passed over because women's requirements are all out of whack. But as the 80 percent of men are saying now: "If you ignored me in your 20s, why would I give you my time when you're ready to 'settle' in your 30s and 40s? No thanks, I'll focus on building my wealth. Women are money drains." They have a good point.

Yeah, most men don't say this. Then again, I had no trouble dating in my 20s and don't harbour some strange payback notions now.

And men who worry about women just being with them for money do so because they know deep down they have nothing else to offer.

[Anonymous]

The guys I was attracted to were all jerks. Started dating guys who didn't immediately appeal, I found I had chemistry with one. Now married to him.

[Anonymous]

I don’t. I just can’t. I have to be attracted, though oddly I am the type where your mind makes you beautiful.

That said I married/divorced someone without a brain whom I found attractive but wasn’t truly attracted to physically. Not as much as I should have been. He was attractive, and others found him attractive, and he was the path to making sure my eggs didn’t shrivel and dry. But I did not find him attractive and completely obliterated my responsibility of ensuring there was *mutual* physical desire to avoid a sexless marriage. It’s like when two cute people marry and they know they aren’t all warts and boils on their eye, but neither person is truly hot for the other. Maybe they prefer a different body type, or height, or personality, but not so much that they would throw away a wonderful relationship with really honorable qualities and good enough sex.

My .00002848 of BTC