Why/how do you date people you're not attracted to?

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by “how?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

Yep. I've NEVER heard a man be told the same about a woman. "Sure she's ugly and terrible, but she's SUCH a good person! Give her a chance!" Never, ever heard that.

I think that this comment was sarcastic, and it certainly is not accurate. When I was a single guy, women often said that I should meet their friend who has a "great personality," or is "so funny," or they absolutely "love her." That type of buildup is code for "not hot."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

Yep. I've NEVER heard a man be told the same about a woman. "Sure she's ugly and terrible, but she's SUCH a good person! Give her a chance!" Never, ever heard that.

It's more common than you think during the HS/college years.

So true. +1 My son asked a girl to be his date for their senior banquet. She is a lovely, smart girl, but they're really physically mismatched. That's all I'll say. He has a lot of friends that are girls, so senior girls did most of the social engineering to guarantee their best friends would be included in "their" group.

He's always been kind to a fault, non discriminatory, and generous. I really admire him.

[Anonymous]

Because the sex was good and I wasn't interested in a serious relationship, so I overlooked his flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t. I just can’t. I have to be attracted, though oddly I am the type where your mind makes you beautiful.

That said I married/divorced someone without a brain whom I found attractive but wasn’t truly attracted to physically. Not as much as I should have been. He was attractive, and others found him attractive, and he was the path to making sure my eggs didn’t shrivel and dry. But I did not find him attractive and completely obliterated my responsibility of ensuring there was *mutual* physical desire to avoid a sexless marriage. It’s like when two cute people marry and they know they aren’t all warts and boils on their eye, but neither person is truly hot for the other. Maybe they prefer a different body type, or height, or personality, but not so much that they would throw away a wonderful relationship with really honorable qualities and good enough sex.

My .00002848 of BTC

This is akin to my experience. He is objectively handsome. He is a hard worker, made money. I was not attracted to him after year 2, and 15 years later, got divorced. I had/have so, so much more sustained chemistry with the men two men I've been in a relationship with post divorce. And I am *so* much happier. That's really the main thing. I am so much happier. With a dude or without.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make it make sense. I genuinely don't know how people do it.

Who is doing it? I’m not...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the sex was good and I wasn't interested in a serious relationship, so I overlooked his flaws.

'Sex is good' is a classic cope for being embarrassed about the caliber of mate you can attract. If you could do better you'd do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women especially are told not to be "shallow" and will be alone forever if they are "too picky."

I would have rather been alone, so I was mostly single until I met my husband, but most of my friends who were always in relationships dated guys they weren't attracted to to "give him a chance" and see if they "became attracted due to his personality." Never worked out.

I am not doubting but sincerely curious: who is giving that advice. I would never tell my daughter that so want to know where that message comes from.

A few posts back, someone said that because most women are only attracted to the top 20% of men, women should settle.

My whole life, if I wasn’t interested in a guy because I wasn’t attracted, I’d hear tons of “poor guy!” and “but he’s SUCH a good guy!”

It's great that your son has been able to rise above his shallow parenting.

Yep. I've NEVER heard a man be told the same about a woman. "Sure she's ugly and terrible, but she's SUCH a good person! Give her a chance!" Never, ever heard that.

It's more common than you think during the HS/college years.

So true. +1 My son asked a girl to be his date for their senior banquet. She is a lovely, smart girl, but they're really physically mismatched. That's all I'll say. He has a lot of friends that are girls, so senior girls did most of the social engineering to guarantee their best friends would be included in "their" group.

He's always been kind to a fault, non discriminatory, and generous. I really admire him.

[Anonymous]

He was attractive and had a lot of good qualities. I just want really attracted to him. My confusion. My mistake. My regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a female issue. Straight men will not date women they don't want to bang.

I am a straight woman and if I can’t picture kissing a guy then I don’t date him,

[Anonymous]

This doesn't really make sense, at least in the younger ages.

"Straight men will not date women they don't want to bang."

Don't 20-something hetero men want to have sex with just about any half-decent looking woman the come across?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't really make sense, at least in the younger ages.

"Straight men will not date women they don't want to bang."

Don't 20-something hetero men want to have sex with just about any half-decent looking woman the come across?

But they certainly bang women they don’t want to date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a female issue. Straight men will not date women they don't want to bang.

I am a straight woman and if I can’t picture kissing a guy then I don’t date him,

Thanks for your anonymous honesty. Straight man here, middle-aged.

When I was in middle school, girls told us, "Only boys care about looks, girls care about personality."

Then, we watched girls compete like crazy for attention from the nicest looking boys at school. It amazes me that even middle-aged women think we didn't notice this. Of course we did!

Personally, I have never had any interest in dating anyone I'm not attracted to. Women who date dweebs do so because their friends tell them they should, or because they're simply afraid of what it is they actually want for themselves.

A pretty sad lot of affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attraction does grow. But there has to be some to begin with.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't really make sense, at least in the younger ages.

"Straight men will not date women they don't want to bang."

Don't 20-something hetero men want to have sex with just about any half-decent looking woman the come across?

But they certainly bang women they don’t want to date

Knew a super stud from my time in the Army. Dude was model good looking and super charismatic. Always had pretty young things as GF's but we also knew that he was banging out some real dogs on the regular. He was just a horn dog and after a few beers would take any woman he came across. Dude had no standards and he got a lot of ass.