Mom Buying Too Many Clothes For My Kid...Am I Overreacting?

[Anonymous]

If your mother gets mad when items are donated, you say "mom we've talked about how you buy too many things, right? If you want to buy 2 or 3 outfits each season, that's wonderful. But if you buy 10 or 12, we don't have space to store them all and some will be donated."

Her: blah blah special selections blah

You: mom, if you buy more than 2-3 outfits a season some will be donated. It's up to you how much you buy, it's up to ME how much we keep. 2-3 is how much we can keep.

[Anonymous]

The lady has Kohl's cash burning a hole in her pocket, OP. It MUST be used. Don't be the thief of her joy.

[Anonymous]

Your DD is only 5 for a year. And only 6 for a year. After that she will insist on her own choices. Just indulge granny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The lady has Kohl's cash burning a hole in her pocket, OP. It MUST be used. Don't be the thief of her joy.

OP here, thanks for the laugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her a limit - 2 outfits per season, anything else gets donated. She asks about the unicorn sweatshirt - sorry mom, you also gave her the penguin sweatshirt and the snow man sweater and we couldn’t fit them all in the drawer so the unicorn had to go.

My ILs are the same way but with lots of random junky toys for every holiday (even minor ones -St. Patrick’s day! 4th of July!) They live far away and love to shop, so going to the dollar store every month or two and buying stuff for the grandkids is a fun activity for them and also a way to show love. It drives me nuts because I am the one who has to deal with a million toys that break immediately. I try to think of it as allowing it is my way of showing love for them. I care about them and I am glad this brings them joy. DH and I have asked them repeatedly to tone it down, and I just deal with throwing away the junk. Redirecting the generosity has been unsuccessful.

The unicorn is the real victim here.

We get junk toys from another set of relatives, so I can relate. Between my mom and ILs, my home is basically a warehouse. I can start my own kids charity.

- OP

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think this is really typical wealthy boomer behavior my mom is the same and she also gets angry if anything is given away. I say just grin and bear it, by middle school she'll stop.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was exactly the same way. It would drive me crazy, because inevitably, DD would hate the items and I'd end up going to the store to exchange them. DD has been super picky since she was 2, no joke, and MIL knew this, but still would buy and buy. She'd come over with a bag from Old Navy or Target of $75 worth of stuff -- if she would have bought one really nice thing, it would have been so much better. At some point, DH stepped in and told her she was creating more work for me.

I also once had to send an email to both MIL and my mother letting them know that age 6 DD had 11 freakin' bathing suits. It was absurd. My mom didn't buy as many as MIL, but it was the easiest way to handle that. (I talked to my mom first).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how your mom would know if you give something away? Does she go through your kid's closets? Because that is extremely creepy.

My mom did this, and I would donate half the stuff before my kid even saw it.

She hypes it up to my daughter ahead of time, like "Grandma's going to buy you this awesome thing! It's almost here! Grandma will bring it next time she comes over!"
Then she absolutely wants to give it to her to see the reaction (or at least get a picture of us giving it to her), so donating before the kid sees it is not an option.

Afterward, she will just say things like "Oh, I haven't seen Larla wear that unicorn sweatshirt in a while, you haven't donated it have you?"

And she does look at her closet sometimes. When she comes over to play with my daughter, say they play at home for a bit and then are going to the playground. So then she takes her to change into an outfit that's more appropriate for the playground, and then they're going through the dresser and closet and she will see what's not there and what is.

In front of both of them, when your mother is hyping up her latest purchase: “Hmm, Grandma must be confused. I told her clearly that you already have two winter snowsuits and that we didn’t need a third. I do not know why she would think we would have a new one in the house.” Or why she would suggest buying a new one, etc.

[Anonymous]

It is really bad for the environment to be overbuying clothes and other stuff your kids don’t need.

[Anonymous]

OP should set a capacity for the clothes, such as one drawer or one section of closet, and then practice the the one item in, one item out policy. No need to discuss with grandma, since grandma has refused to change her behavior when asked. My mom does this, and I just donate items regularly. It's my house, not a warehouse for what grandma buys. I wish my mom would buy piano lessons or 529 contributions instead, but oh well.

[Anonymous]

Accept then gracefully. Donate most of it. If she asks about donating, remind her that you told her she is buying too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think this is really typical wealthy boomer behavior my mom is the same and she also gets angry if anything is given away. I say just grin and bear it, by middle school she'll stop.

+1 It's definitely a boomer thing. My mom doesn't even recognize half of what she's given to my kids. I'm constantly cleaning, organizing, or donating the things she has bought and I hate that her desire to shop creates more work for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how your mom would know if you give something away? Does she go through your kid's closets? Because that is extremely creepy.

My mom did this, and I would donate half the stuff before my kid even saw it.

She hypes it up to my daughter ahead of time, like "Grandma's going to buy you this awesome thing! It's almost here! Grandma will bring it next time she comes over!"
Then she absolutely wants to give it to her to see the reaction (or at least get a picture of us giving it to her), so donating before the kid sees it is not an option.

Afterward, she will just say things like "Oh, I haven't seen Larla wear that unicorn sweatshirt in a while, you haven't donated it have you?"

And she does look at her closet sometimes. When she comes over to play with my daughter, say they play at home for a bit and then are going to the playground. So then she takes her to change into an outfit that's more appropriate for the playground, and then they're going through the dresser and closet and she will see what's not there and what is.

Oh my lord this is so manipulative!

I would be firm. "That's great mom, but we don't have room for more. Larla and I are going to find some things to donate to make room." Then HANG UP THE PHONE. Using your child's emotions to try to manipulate you into keeping more stuff than you can manage is NOT ok. I'd even consider limiting contact if she escalates. My MIL has recently started to demand pictures of the kids doing crafts she leaves. My kids don't like crafts! I tell my DH he has a month to do them, and then I'm giving away the craft stuff. But what I won't do is hold onto forever out of some ridiculous guilt. If she thinks I'm ungrateful she can do two things: come over and do the crafts with them herself OR stop buying stuff (I want this, clearly).

I'd also find a Facebook mom's group or Buy Nothing group and just regularly post stuff to clean it out. I'd stop having any guilt about it, but I would not allow her to make my child to feel guilty about it. That is not ok at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The lady has Kohl's cash burning a hole in her pocket, OP. It MUST be used. Don't be the thief of her joy.

OP here, thanks for the laugh

PP here. I relate because my mom is a prolific buyer of children's clothing. And each piece has a long bargain provenance, usually starting with Kohl's, the use of her many interconnected discounts, and how it really ended up being $1.65 for a shirt.

[Anonymous]

My mom did this. It was very hard because we had no money even though our kid dressed in fancy french outfits.