Mom Buying Too Many Clothes For My Kid...Am I Overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the same problem with my mother. As someone mentioned above, it's generational. My mom is young Silent Generation/almost Baby Boomer. She can't stop shopping. That is not my ethos. She's aware that I don't believe in buying lots of things, but shopping seems to be the only way she can communicate affection. We also live in NYC, so do not have basement or attic storage. She would buy more gifts for my kids at Christmas than they got from Santa. I was really angry with my mother for usurping our role as the prime gift givers for our kids, which was in essence usurping my role as the mom. Communicating with her is very difficult, because she does not listen or express herself well. I don't know what I could have done to stop her. My only consolation is that when my kids have kids, I will be sure to defer to my children as their children's parents. It does get better in middle school, but really only because there seems to be less she can buy. She can't buy them soccer cleats, etc. And if it's not obvious, my mother is a narcissist with boundary issues.

The can't stop shopping isn't really generational. I'm a boomer and don't have it. Having done urban living in smaller spaces I know your pain. From clothes to stuff like furniture. Did your mother ever buy that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think this is really typical wealthy boomer behavior my mom is the same and she also gets angry if anything is given away. I say just grin and bear it, by middle school she'll stop.

+1 It's definitely a boomer thing. My mom doesn't even recognize half of what she's given to my kids. I'm constantly cleaning, organizing, or donating the things she has bought and I hate that her desire to shop creates more work for me.

+1 my husband and I always joke that they gifted me another chore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let grandma enjoy herself if she can afford it. Its better than the alternative of grandparents like ours that get a shirt and brag they bought the child's entire wardrobe to their friends and family.

Except its causing problems for OP.

This is an example not of gift giving, but of doing things that make the GIVER feel good. This is what bugs me about this stuff - it's not at all about the kid; it's about the grandma doing something she thinks is fun, and then leaving OP to clean up the mess. That its disguised as an act of "giving" makes it worse.

OP, think of your mom's gifts as fun activities for herself. Then you won't feel bad at all donating all the crap once she goes home.

[Anonymous]

Growing up, my boomer mom never had more than 2 pairs of shoes for me at a time (school shoes/sandals in the summer and church shoes) and I got one new store-bought outfit for school and one for easter. It's ridiculous to see her coming through the door with trashbags full of new clothes and dry-clean only coats for baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my boomer mom never had more than 2 pairs of shoes for me at a time (school shoes/sandals in the summer and church shoes) and I got one new store-bought outfit for school and one for easter. It's ridiculous to see her coming through the door with trashbags full of new clothes and dry-clean only coats for baby.

And it wasn't a money issue, she was just a minimalist until I left home.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom sounds just like my mom. It's so annoying. I constantly ask her not to buy so much stuff as we don't have the space and I find it wasteful and creates a lot of work for me.

My mom doesn't listen. She gets SO offended when we donate things. Also demands pictures of my daughter in the outfit or playing with the toy. Asks me to post the picture on social media (or she will). My mom's a total narcissist though ... yours may be too.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have a mom problem you have a “you” problem!
Why do you let your mother dictate what comes in your house. Why do you let her take away the joy of you buying firsts for your kid? Why do you let her guilt you?

Shut that shit down and grow up. I’ve never seen a forum with so many adults unable to stand up for themselves!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a very involved grandmother to my 5 year old. She loves buying her clothes. She gets dozens and dozens of outfits each year. The problem is threefold:
- this goes against my parenting philosophy - I want to teach my daughter to appreciate what she owns and not to be too materialistic. With so much new stuff she just looks at each outfit, wears it a couple times and moves on to the next new thing.
- we don’t have enough room in our home to store these things
- I don’t get to buy my child clothes, which is something I really love doing but it makes no sense when her grandma already gets more then she needs.

We tried telling my mom to get books or toys in prior years but then she got huge piles of those and we had the same problem. We have also tried to talk to her about this many times, but she strongly feels that it’s her right as a grandparent to spoil her grandchild, that it’s one of the greatest happinesses in her life, and that we’re overreacting. She points out that the gifts make my daughter very happy and that I’m going on a power trip and denying happiness to both her and my daughter.

I’ve also tried donating some stuff, but that still teaches my daughter that it’s normal to use things just a few times and then give them away and move on to new ones. Plus my mom remembers every item and notices if they are given away and gets extremely upset (says it’s disrespectful because she spent time searching for those things and they were given with love and my daughter still loves them and so on).

My mom is like this. YOu are going against the current and cannot stop this w/o hurting her feelings.

As to parenting philosophy - this is not the hill to die on. And you cannot keep that gate closed. Your kids will be exposed to other philosophies. Best to just deal with it. This is how we feel about XX. Grandma shows her love by sending gifts. We appreciate those but we have more than we need. So, we keep some things and donate the rest to others who can use it more.

As for the items themselves, we keep some things. Some we re-gift (if the stuff is nice) and some we donate. We always keep some things on hand for when she visits and she can see th tiems.

Look at it that she's saving you money buying these things. If you want to be helpful - TELL HER some of the staples that you need for your DC. This worked wonders for us. If we needed leggings or socks or whatever. "Mom, it would be super helpful if you could get some shorts and leggings. Her fave color is blue." Now, granted, we'd get 800 pairs and still end up donating. But at least it is stuff you need.

YOu are not going to change her materialism or her "love language." You aren't. So, while I don't know about "over-reacting" per se, I do think this is a battle not worth fighting in the sense it isn't going to change. BUt, you can leverage a bit to your advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let grandma enjoy herself if she can afford it. Its better than the alternative of grandparents like ours that get a shirt and brag they bought the child's entire wardrobe to their friends and family.

Except its causing problems for OP.

This is an example not of gift giving, but of doing things that make the GIVER feel good. This is what bugs me about this stuff - it's not at all about the kid; it's about the grandma doing something she thinks is fun, and then leaving OP to clean up the mess. That its disguised as an act of "giving" makes it worse.

OP, think of your mom's gifts as fun activities for herself. Then you won't feel bad at all donating all the crap once she goes home.

Meh. In the spectrum of problems, this is low on the totem pole. THere are ways to deal with this w/o making a federal case out it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would just let it go. Thank of it as a gift that you were giving to your mother per her to get the joy out of giving. Your kids will understand, and you will figure out some thing in space, even if it means donating and letting her know. Your mother loves her grandchildren and is trying to have a positive relationship with them. It’s rough around the edges to be sure, and annoying for you, but neither your mom nor your children will remember that part unless you emphasize it. And I say this as a parent of two teenagers whose grandparents behaved similarly, they’re not exactly the same, when they were younger. I would really just simply let it go.

[Anonymous]

Can you send her our way? I'd love a mom like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have a mom problem you have a “you” problem!
Why do you let your mother dictate what comes in your house. Why do you let her take away the joy of you buying firsts for your kid? Why do you let her guilt you?

Shut that shit down and grow up. I’ve never seen a forum with so many adults unable to stand up for themselves!

Ummm...We have all mentioned that we have, but our parents still don't listen. Thanks for being so understanding and empathetic! (Sarcasm intended)

[Anonymous]

My MIL does the same and it drives me nuts. She buys my son ugly clothing that I would never put him in and acts like something is wrong with me for expecting I should get to select my child’s clothing. I don’t even care about being nice anymore. I tell her when I think the stuff is ugly and tell her keep it at her house snd he can wear it over there because if it comes to my house it’s getting donated or trash.

[Anonymous]

MIL did that. I would let the kids unwrap it play once and either throw away or donate. Discussion with MIL useless.

[Anonymous]

There really is no reason to donate dollar store gifts. Kohls clothes etc etc. it’s going to landfill anyway.