Mom Buying Too Many Clothes For My Kid...Am I Overreacting?

[Anonymous]

I had the same problem with my mother. As someone mentioned above, it's generational. My mom is young Silent Generation/almost Baby Boomer. She can't stop shopping. That is not my ethos. She's aware that I don't believe in buying lots of things, but shopping seems to be the only way she can communicate affection. We also live in NYC, so do not have basement or attic storage. She would buy more gifts for my kids at Christmas than they got from Santa. I was really angry with my mother for usurping our role as the prime gift givers for our kids, which was in essence usurping my role as the mom. Communicating with her is very difficult, because she does not listen or express herself well. I don't know what I could have done to stop her. My only consolation is that when my kids have kids, I will be sure to defer to my children as their children's parents. It does get better in middle school, but really only because there seems to be less she can buy. She can't buy them soccer cleats, etc. And if it's not obvious, my mother is a narcissist with boundary issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP should set a capacity for the clothes, such as one drawer or one section of closet, and then practice the the one item in, one item out policy. No need to discuss with grandma, since grandma has refused to change her behavior when asked. My mom does this, and I just donate items regularly. It's my house, not a warehouse for what grandma buys. I wish my mom would buy piano lessons or 529 contributions instead, but oh well.

I like this approach, and involve your daughter in picking what she wants to go out to help instill the anti-excess message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think this is really typical wealthy boomer behavior my mom is the same and she also gets angry if anything is given away. I say just grin and bear it, by middle school she'll stop.

+1 It's definitely a boomer thing. My mom doesn't even recognize half of what she's given to my kids. I'm constantly cleaning, organizing, or donating the things she has bought and I hate that her desire to shop creates more work for me.

So THIS. Thank you for sharing. It does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP should set a capacity for the clothes, such as one drawer or one section of closet, and then practice the the one item in, one item out policy. No need to discuss with grandma, since grandma has refused to change her behavior when asked. My mom does this, and I just donate items regularly. It's my house, not a warehouse for what grandma buys. I wish my mom would buy piano lessons or 529 contributions instead, but oh well.

LOL. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories. I have thought the same! For my kids' birthdays my mother wanted to make a charitable donation in their name. I'm sure one of her friends had been doing something like this, since that's usually where she gets her ideas from. I said, "What about their 529?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her a limit - 2 outfits per season, anything else gets donated. She asks about the unicorn sweatshirt - sorry mom, you also gave her the penguin sweatshirt and the snow man sweater and we couldn’t fit them all in the drawer so the unicorn had to go.

My ILs are the same way but with lots of random junky toys for every holiday (even minor ones -St. Patrick’s day! 4th of July!) They live far away and love to shop, so going to the dollar store every month or two and buying stuff for the grandkids is a fun activity for them and also a way to show love. It drives me nuts because I am the one who has to deal with a million toys that break immediately. I try to think of it as allowing it is my way of showing love for them. I care about them and I am glad this brings them joy. DH and I have asked them repeatedly to tone it down, and I just deal with throwing away the junk. Redirecting the generosity has been unsuccessful.

I wish our parents would care more that they are leaving a toxic, plastic planet for our kids (their grandkids).

[Anonymous]

OP - your Mother's behavior does not have to change. Your behavior has to change. Well, it doesn't have to. But if this bothers you, and it's worth it to you -- run your household differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP should set a capacity for the clothes, such as one drawer or one section of closet, and then practice the the one item in, one item out policy. No need to discuss with grandma, since grandma has refused to change her behavior when asked. My mom does this, and I just donate items regularly. It's my house, not a warehouse for what grandma buys. I wish my mom would buy piano lessons or 529 contributions instead, but oh well.

LOL. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories. I have thought the same! For my kids' birthdays my mother wanted to make a charitable donation in their name. I'm sure one of her friends had been doing something like this, since that's usually where she gets her ideas from. I said, "What about their 529?"

Serioulsy!

DH and I definitely don't have the "wealthy boomer parent" problem, but one approach you could take is ask your mom to put the new clothes away in your kid's drawer and choose which clothes to donate (to make space for the new clothes). I personally wouldn't do that because I'd want to make those choices, but doing something like this might drive home the point that there isn't space. Or your mom might just stuff things in impossibly tight which doesn't really solve anybody's problem.

Would your mom feel better if you found a child in your neighborhood who is a year younger than your child that you could pass along everything (or a lot of things) to? Sometimes its just about feeling like they're making a difference in someone's life. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Let grandma enjoy herself if she can afford it. Its better than the alternative of grandparents like ours that get a shirt and brag they bought the child's entire wardrobe to their friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP should set a capacity for the clothes, such as one drawer or one section of closet, and then practice the the one item in, one item out policy. No need to discuss with grandma, since grandma has refused to change her behavior when asked. My mom does this, and I just donate items regularly. It's my house, not a warehouse for what grandma buys. I wish my mom would buy piano lessons or 529 contributions instead, but oh well.

LOL. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories. I have thought the same! For my kids' birthdays my mother wanted to make a charitable donation in their name. I'm sure one of her friends had been doing something like this, since that's usually where she gets her ideas from. I said, "What about their 529?"

Serioulsy!

DH and I definitely don't have the "wealthy boomer parent" problem, but one approach you could take is ask your mom to put the new clothes away in your kid's drawer and choose which clothes to donate (to make space for the new clothes). I personally wouldn't do that because I'd want to make those choices, but doing something like this might drive home the point that there isn't space. Or your mom might just stuff things in impossibly tight which doesn't really solve anybody's problem.

Would your mom feel better if you found a child in your neighborhood who is a year younger than your child that you could pass along everything (or a lot of things) to? Sometimes its just about feeling like they're making a difference in someone's life. Good luck!

If you are going to donate them let the kid wear them and enjoy them. Don't force your kid to donate till they have outgrown them. Its a gift. Teach them to appreciate gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP should set a capacity for the clothes, such as one drawer or one section of closet, and then practice the the one item in, one item out policy. No need to discuss with grandma, since grandma has refused to change her behavior when asked. My mom does this, and I just donate items regularly. It's my house, not a warehouse for what grandma buys. I wish my mom would buy piano lessons or 529 contributions instead, but oh well.

LOL. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories. I have thought the same! For my kids' birthdays my mother wanted to make a charitable donation in their name. I'm sure one of her friends had been doing something like this, since that's usually where she gets her ideas from. I said, "What about their 529?"

Serioulsy!

DH and I definitely don't have the "wealthy boomer parent" problem, but one approach you could take is ask your mom to put the new clothes away in your kid's drawer and choose which clothes to donate (to make space for the new clothes). I personally wouldn't do that because I'd want to make those choices, but doing something like this might drive home the point that there isn't space. Or your mom might just stuff things in impossibly tight which doesn't really solve anybody's problem.

Would your mom feel better if you found a child in your neighborhood who is a year younger than your child that you could pass along everything (or a lot of things) to? Sometimes its just about feeling like they're making a difference in someone's life. Good luck!

I'm not OP. Sorry, I should have noted that. It's interesting that many of us have this issue. Maybe it has something to do with their parents having grown up during the Depression or not having known their own grandparents sometimes, since life expectancy was shorter back then.

[Anonymous]

Have you offered her the option of making contributions to a 529 instead of making small purchases? She can make gift contributions of as little as $25.

[Anonymous]

This is a super easy problem. You purchase the clothes you want for your child. Keep a few things your mom gives you, and... done. Problem solved.
You put the excess in a plastic tub. When it's full, donate to a women's shelter, cps for foster kids, or good will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you offered her the option of making contributions to a 529 instead of making small purchases? She can make gift contributions of as little as $25.

I brought it up, but she never followed up with me. She said she wants to help us pay for our kids' college, but I guess she's waiting for us to actually get a tuition bill. I don't think she knows what a 529 is. My mother is difficult, so there is only so much I want to converse with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you offered her the option of making contributions to a 529 instead of making small purchases? She can make gift contributions of as little as $25.

I brought it up, but she never followed up with me. She said she wants to help us pay for our kids' college, but I guess she's waiting for us to actually get a tuition bill. I don't think she knows what a 529 is. My mother is difficult, so there is only so much I want to converse with her.

There is no dopamine hit from electronically transferring $5 to a 529. But finding a flippy sequin tee/short set for $4.27? High upon purchase and then a new one when the kid opens it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you offered her the option of making contributions to a 529 instead of making small purchases? She can make gift contributions of as little as $25.

I brought it up, but she never followed up with me. She said she wants to help us pay for our kids' college, but I guess she's waiting for us to actually get a tuition bill. I don't think she knows what a 529 is. My mother is difficult, so there is only so much I want to converse with her.

There is no dopamine hit from electronically transferring $5 to a 529. But finding a flippy sequin tee/short set for $4.27? High upon purchase and then a new one when the kid opens it.

Yeah, that's probably what's going on.