Mom Buying Too Many Clothes For My Kid...Am I Overreacting?

[Anonymous]

My mom is a very involved grandmother to my 5 year old. She loves buying her clothes. She gets dozens and dozens of outfits each year. The problem is threefold:
- this goes against my parenting philosophy - I want to teach my daughter to appreciate what she owns and not to be too materialistic. With so much new stuff she just looks at each outfit, wears it a couple times and moves on to the next new thing.
- we don’t have enough room in our home to store these things
- I don’t get to buy my child clothes, which is something I really love doing but it makes no sense when her grandma already gets more then she needs.

We tried telling my mom to get books or toys in prior years but then she got huge piles of those and we had the same problem. We have also tried to talk to her about this many times, but she strongly feels that it’s her right as a grandparent to spoil her grandchild, that it’s one of the greatest happinesses in her life, and that we’re overreacting. She points out that the gifts make my daughter very happy and that I’m going on a power trip and denying happiness to both her and my daughter.

I’ve also tried donating some stuff, but that still teaches my daughter that it’s normal to use things just a few times and then give them away and move on to new ones. Plus my mom remembers every item and notices if they are given away and gets extremely upset (says it’s disrespectful because she spent time searching for those things and they were given with love and my daughter still loves them and so on).

[Anonymous]

Give her a limit and tell her anything after that will be donated. Tell her she is taking away your ability to enjoy picking out clothes for your kid.

[Anonymous]

That would irk me...but not too much.

Your mother said that it gives her joy to give gifts to her grandchild, and that should count for something. And it isn't really doing any harm.

That being said, a couple things you can do:
1. Continue to have gentle talks with your mom about other ways she can show her grandchild she loves them- visits, trips, experiences, cook together, etc. Also tell her that it would be great if she wanted to invest in her grandchild's future, a 529 or something.
2. Feel absolutely ZERO guilt about donating or regifting some of those items. Gifts comes without strings. And maybe if she sees that the clothes she gives don't last long, she will think of other options.
3. Use the opportunity to teach our child gratitude and charity- make sure she knows these ae gifts and not entitlements. Have her write a thank you note, or at least ring your mom to give a sincere thank you Every Single Time. And when you donate the items, have the conversations about why it is important to share with others.

[Anonymous]

In the grand scheme of things, let it go. My mom does this and honestly, it's OK. You can also use it as an opportunity to teach generosity of spirit and such. As she gets older, she'll get more use out of the outfits. Another suggestion is to ask your mom to buy big ticket items - jackets, winter boots etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a very involved grandmother to my 5 year old. She loves buying her clothes. She gets dozens and dozens of outfits each year. The problem is threefold:
- this goes against my parenting philosophy - I want to teach my daughter to appreciate what she owns and not to be too materialistic. With so much new stuff she just looks at each outfit, wears it a couple times and moves on to the next new thing.
- we don’t have enough room in our home to store these things
- I don’t get to buy my child clothes, which is something I really love doing but it makes no sense when her grandma already gets more then she needs.

We tried telling my mom to get books or toys in prior years but then she got huge piles of those and we had the same problem. We have also tried to talk to her about this many times, but she strongly feels that it’s her right as a grandparent to spoil her grandchild, that it’s one of the greatest happinesses in her life, and that we’re overreacting. She points out that the gifts make my daughter very happy and that I’m going on a power trip and denying happiness to both her and my daughter.

I’ve also tried donating some stuff, but that still teaches my daughter that it’s normal to use things just a few times and then give them away and move on to new ones. Plus my mom remembers every item and notices if they are given away and gets extremely upset (says it’s disrespectful because she spent time searching for those things and they were given with love and my daughter still loves them and so on).

Oh hell no.

I was going to tell you to get over it and stop being dramatic until I got to the bolded. This is unacceptable. I would set aside a couple drawers for clothes from grandma. Anything that doesn’t fit lives at grandmas house or is donated. Tell your mom it’s disrespectful to force you to become a hoarder.

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter like any activities?

Could you focus your mom on buying ballet camps and outfits and shoes instead? Then ballet becomes her thing. Or gymnastics or horseback riding or whatever else.

[Anonymous]

That sucks, OP. It would bug me, a lot.

I don’t know how to solve it because your mother is not respecting your boundaries, so you have to decide if it’s worth it to you to damage the relationship. It’s not your fault, but you still have to weigh the consequences. If you do decide to let it go, the more you can actually let it go the better off you’ll be. Just biting your tongue the whole time will be miserable.

Soon enough your kid will start hating everything grandma (or you!) picks out and the problem will solve itself.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious how your mom would know if you give something away? Does she go through your kid's closets? Because that is extremely creepy.

My mom did this, and I would donate half the stuff before my kid even saw it.

[Anonymous]

I think I agree with PPs that the thing to do here is to graciously accept the gifts and then only keep what you have room for. DD can help manage her wardrobe and understand about space. If grandma gets upset, offer to let her keep discards at her house, and just keep politely saying “thank you for the gifts, we are teaching Larla to keep her room organized which means managing her possessions.”

[Anonymous]

My mother also gets my kids lots of clothes, and where we differ is that I think it's wonderful since it's something I don't enjoy doing. My mom really enjoys it. It's like a hobby for her.

My kid is six, but I've let her take more agency of this arrangement with Grandma. She tells grandma what she has, what she likes, etc. My kid is oddly into graphing, so she took inventory of her clothes and graphed them in a bar chart for grandma. Now at least we get things like underwear and swimsuits instead of dress dress dress dress dress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how your mom would know if you give something away? Does she go through your kid's closets? Because that is extremely creepy.

My mom did this, and I would donate half the stuff before my kid even saw it.

She hypes it up to my daughter ahead of time, like "Grandma's going to buy you this awesome thing! It's almost here! Grandma will bring it next time she comes over!"
Then she absolutely wants to give it to her to see the reaction (or at least get a picture of us giving it to her), so donating before the kid sees it is not an option.

Afterward, she will just say things like "Oh, I haven't seen Larla wear that unicorn sweatshirt in a while, you haven't donated it have you?"

And she does look at her closet sometimes. When she comes over to play with my daughter, say they play at home for a bit and then are going to the playground. So then she takes her to change into an outfit that's more appropriate for the playground, and then they're going through the dresser and closet and she will see what's not there and what is.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same boat as you, OP. My mother is the sweetest woman in the world and loves buying mountains of clothes and toys for the kids. I've asked her to stop but she doesn't seem to get the memo. I also am a minimalist and I hate stuff. Just hate it and don't want the kids to think that its normal. I've also learned, however, that my mother's spending habit is really filling a void for her with the family being so far.

So, I donate nearly 100% of it. It is a chore but I don't even let it get to the kids. It goes straight in the car and I take it to wherever it needs to go. There's a DV shelter that takes clothing for women and children, a place here in FFX that take items for low income families, plus Goodwill. Where I can, I'll also return items to refund fees to mom's card.

She has started to pull back some in the past few years but I also do not want to take away all of her joy and excitement in buying for the kids. Especially since we are so far away and that's how she has opted to let them know that she cares. I can't take that away from her so I'm going to gather the items up and refund or donate where feasible.

[Anonymous]

OP here...for those saying I should just let it go, where do I put the stuff? My daughter has an overflowing closet and dresser already, there is literally no room for any more stuff.

Also, about redirecting grandma to buying experience gifts, classes, etc...she can't afford those things. She buys everything on deep deep deep discount - she spends hours and hours looking for deals and enjoys it. She says that she can get 20 outfits for the price of one kid class and we should buy our own classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother also gets my kids lots of clothes, and where we differ is that I think it's wonderful since it's something I don't enjoy doing. My mom really enjoys it. It's like a hobby for her.

My kid is six, but I've let her take more agency of this arrangement with Grandma. She tells grandma what she has, what she likes, etc. My kid is oddly into graphing, so she took inventory of her clothes and graphed them in a bar chart for grandma. Now at least we get things like underwear and swimsuits instead of dress dress dress dress dress.

This is awesome! I hope you’re saving those graphs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...for those saying I should just let it go, where do I put the stuff? My daughter has an overflowing closet and dresser already, there is literally no room for any more stuff.

Also, about redirecting grandma to buying experience gifts, classes, etc...she can't afford those things. She buys everything on deep deep deep discount - she spends hours and hours looking for deals and enjoys it. She says that she can get 20 outfits for the price of one kid class and we should buy our own classes.

You have to donate it. Sit your mother down and say, "mom, this is really hard for me to keep up with. It is creating a lot of work and stress, and I cannot handle it". I told my mother the exact same and that made sense to her. She didn't want to see me extra stressed out and having to do so much more work. Give her a limit, or you can tell her what you need and when you need it, so she still gets to do some shopping. But you will have to let her know the reality is that you'll need to get rid of most of it.