Reply to Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just want to note OP is talking about staying home for a couple years, not the rest of her life. The idea that being a SAHM for 2-3 years when your child is very young will ruin your marriage is really weird to me. And also really restrictive for women. I stayed home for a couple years in part because I wanted to, and in part because I had PPD and staying home helped me deal with that so that I could go my return to work in a healthy, positive way.

People on DCUM always talk about this like it’s an either/or. But many, many women do what OP is proposing (SAHM a couple years when child is young, then go back to work). For many of us, it helped us avoid the trap of being a working mom who also does the bull if the work at home. Having a SAHP is a good way for a family to acknowledge that childcare and housework are work. And it helps the working parent understand that when the SAHP returns to work, both parents will need to step it up at home to cover the loss of the SAHP.[/quote]

OP here. My job is a large part of my identity. I take pride in it. My husband and I bonded over being in similar fields ( healthcare). He said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was my drive to help people. He loves how selfless and caring I am. He loved that I chose a profession to take care of people and make their lives better.

Staying home could easily turn into 4-5 years if we have a second child. I guess I  m just nervous how much the dynamics of our relationship will change if u quit my job. [/quote]

I mean, it's totally up to you. Yes, it can turn into 4-5 years. I also know women who stayed home with their first and then returned to work with their second because (trade secret here) being a SAHM with one baby is really lovely, and being a SAHM with a toddler and a baby is... not always great. the point is that choosing to taking a year or two now does not mean that you have to dive into a "traditional" marriage with strict gender roles. It didn't for me. I SAHMed for a bit and now I'm working again and I feel like my marriage is really egalitarian and that we have great communication. I don't feel like my work is less important, nor do I feel like it's always up to me to do with childcare/housework stuff.

For me it was also really meaningful that my husband supported me in the decision to stay home. We had to cut back a bit to make it work financially, and I also know it was stressful for him to be the sole earner for those couple years, especially as he'd just become a dad so the seriousness of that was more intense. But he knew I wouldn't have made that choice unless it was really what I wanted and felt right, and he was 100% on board. And then we kept talking about it. There came a time where I was just really ready to get back to work and to have more of a life separate from my child, and he supported that too and stepped up at home during that transition. At no point did me being home feel like us abandoning our partnership or falling into stereotypical roles. It always felt like a choice we made together and in which we supported each other.[/quote]

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