attempted suicide of acquaintance- reach out to parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this place and if you were not a close friend I would not have been happy to have you in our family’s business. People can say it’s just like any other illness but the truth is it’s not. We did not spread this news around and I would have been really upset that people I didn’t know well were chatting about it. I only told some friends at the office, in part because I took FMLA leave.

I’m sorry that you have experienced this, but the stigma that you are perpetuating put your loved one even more at risk. It is OK to except help from others when you have a person who has symptoms of an illness that can be deadly. Hiding And shame only makes it worse for everyone who suffers, and it cuts you off from support and help that could potentially be there for you as well.

Eh—she’s free to tell whoever she wants, and I’ve actually encouraged her to share what she learned in the process with younger girls through various community service projects. But I’m not going to be spreading around information about her medical condition. And I’d be pissed at peoole in the neighborhood for taking about it. She went through a year of DBT after hospitalization and is doing well. But an important part of her recovery was having and developing an identity and a vision for herself outside of “depressed girl.”
Frankly, if I had cancer I wouldn’t want a bunch of random people in the neighborhood talking about it either. If I didn’t tell you, the. I probably don’t want you to know.

Please listen to this. You weren't friends before, you didn't care before, so why do the fake caring now. This family needs real friends. You may have good intentions but usually when people do this kind of thing its more about their needs than the recipient. This is why you try your best to be nice to all parents and not just your close group and teach your kid to be friends with everyone vs. being exclusive.

Wow, not OP or the PP you're replying to, but you are being jumping to a really unhelpful and so far, uncalled for conclusion. Why assume OP is being fake? "This family needs real friends, don't do fake caring now", well if the family HAS real friends, hopefully they've reached out, but suicide or suicide attempts are often something that even "real friends" don't know how to deal with and often people's instincts is to be silent, to NOT reach out.

I refuse to believe and have rarely encountered situations where heartfelt, sincere expressions of "Thinking of you" or offers of concrete help or just simple "I don't know what to say but want you to know I'm so sorry this happened" can mean THE WORLD. THE WORLD! to a family that is feeling completely isolated and maybe even shunned by the silence and awkwardness of so many.

So sure, give the advice you think is best, but maybe don't jump to wild conclusions about OP's intentions or the family's needs when there is NOTHING in the posts to suggest OP is being fake or the family is like you and doesn't want even aquaintances to check in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat it as you would any other illness because it is. If you'd send a card or meal if she broke her back then send one for this circumstance. The silence implies shame. You are very kind OP.

I know you mean well with this comment. But as a parent that has experienced both - suicide attempts by one kid and a broken back with another - these are not even remotely in the same category. A broken back is inconvenient, painful and limiting. But the treatment is pretty straightforward, accessible and covered by insurance. There are no waitlists. It doesn't require you to take long periods of time off work and make daily visits to a hospital during specified visiting hours that are not likely to be the least bit convenient. It doesn't require research into options, applications for admission to treatment, and so many out of pocket costs that sometimes you wonder if you will be able to pay all of the bills. And, most of the time, your child will recover from a broken back but, one of the overwhelming things about mental health issues is that you spend so much time and feel so much dread waiting for the next crisis.

I do agree that the silence implies shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this place and if you were not a close friend I would not have been happy to have you in our family’s business. People can say it’s just like any other illness but the truth is it’s not. We did not spread this news around and I would have been really upset that people I didn’t know well were chatting about it. I only told some friends at the office, in part because I took FMLA leave.

I’m sorry that you have experienced this, but the stigma that you are perpetuating put your loved one even more at risk. It is OK to except help from others when you have a person who has symptoms of an illness that can be deadly. Hiding And shame only makes it worse for everyone who suffers, and it cuts you off from support and help that could potentially be there for you as well.

Eh—she’s free to tell whoever she wants, and I’ve actually encouraged her to share what she learned in the process with younger girls through various community service projects. But I’m not going to be spreading around information about her medical condition. And I’d be pissed at peoole in the neighborhood for taking about it. She went through a year of DBT after hospitalization and is doing well. But an important part of her recovery was having and developing an identity and a vision for herself outside of “depressed girl.”
Frankly, if I had cancer I wouldn’t want a bunch of random people in the neighborhood talking about it either. If I didn’t tell you, the. I probably don’t want you to know.

I'm a different PP than the one you're responding to, but I really agree with the other PP. Your experience is yours, and I'm sorry you went through that and of course you should share your experience.

But OP, I've done a lot of work through my job with families going through traumatic experiences, and I agree with the other PP: the shame and sense of needing to keep this private is a common feeling, but it's often not rooted in the realization that it IS a health issue and is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Horrified by, confused by, broken hearted by of course. But hiding it and being pissed that others are talking about it... Most families I've worked with were INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL for each person who treated them like humans, who showed sympathy and empathy, who basically just reached out to say "I'm sorry this happened, is it helpful if I drop food/gift card by? How are your other kids (if there are others)? I'd be happy to take them to the movies with my kids..."

And absolutely ditto on the beauty of reaching out to the child if they survived an attempted suicide. My DD is 12 and one of her best online friends 1/2 through the pandemic, he disappeared from the site they all talked on, she was devastated he stopped talking and stopped responding. She still wrote regularly, even when she assumed he wasn't coming back to the site. Maybe 4 weeks later she heard from another tween on the site that he'd committed suicide. She STILL wrote him, devasted that he had died. Recently out of nowhere he showed up again, he did try to kill himself but he didn't die, and was in a coma for months. He didn't have much memory, but he let my DD know she was the ONLY person who wrote him regularly and even though he didn't remember her very well, he was incredibly grateful and knew he must've been lucky to have such a great person for a friend.

Needless to say it was incredibly consufusing, emotional, and difficult for DD but she's now been very supportive of several people her age (starting at age 10) who've had mental health or other crises and needed hospitalization. It can mean the whole world to those young people who are having the hardest, most isolating time imaginable.

So I'd say always err on the side of checking in, leaving a nice note, just being kind. The silence and eggshell walking that so many people do, even with best intentions, often just makes families feel even more isolated and shameful/shamed, despite what a few families feel like this PP here who would be pissed if someone dropped a note by.

What an amazing human being you have for a daughter!

[Anonymous]

Just adding another "Yes, drop off a card/note and/or food" vote.

I agree that if you would do so for any other serious medical problem you should do so for a seriously depressed and hospitalized child. As someone who was in this situation, I don't think a card is "getting in my business" or whatever PPs were saying. If I'm overwhelmed and don't want to talk or respond and you leave a note I don't have to do anything, but I know you care.

It's kind of your daughter to reach out to the girl also. Snapchat or whatever is how kids communicate these days. I'm sure it makes the girl feel less alone and they don't have to be BFFs for the girl to chat with her about whatever kind of common interest they might have or school stuff. It could help her feel better and more normal to have a conversation about drawing or music or whatever they're in to.

[Anonymous]

You should drop off a little bag with a kind note offering help and some treats. Nothing that says "funeral", but something that says "comfort during recovery". That's all. No talking. Her parents must be overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Please add to your note, “No response necessary.” I had a stillbirth and had many kind people reach out to me, some sent flowers. I felt the need to respond back, but had no bandwidth to do it. And I felt so guilty for years and had to work hard to let go of that guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. My daughter is in touch with the girl, and the girl responded. They aren’t enemies or anything, but were never close friends or in the same friend groups since we moved here in 4th grade. So I’ve seen/met the mom at school events because they are in the same grade but we are just acquaintances who would say hello and smile and move along. Same with our daughters. There’s no animosity they just aren’t good friends.

Please listen to this. You weren't friends before, you didn't care before, so why do the fake caring now. This family needs real friends. You may have good intentions but usually when people do this kind of thing its more about their needs than the recipient. This is why you try your best to be nice to all parents and not just your close group and teach your kid to be friends with everyone vs. being exclusive.

Not sure if this is directed at me or another poster but who said I didn’t care? I definitely care and am not behind fake and my kid is definitely not exclusive just because her and this girl are not BFFs. I want to be sensitive and I haven’t mentioned this to any other parent friends I know. Obviously I don’t know what is the best thing to do here which is why I asked on this forum. If the answer is MYOB I’ll do that. The girls mom knows that my daughter knows.

That poster is so incredibly wrong. In every community, people tend to rally around those who seem to be struggling whether financially or health wise. You don't have to be friends with someone to offer some support and kind words in their trying time. That is what we humans do.

A child in your community has been through some tough illness, and you are offering kind words and support. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. My daughter is in touch with the girl, and the girl responded. They aren’t enemies or anything, but were never close friends or in the same friend groups since we moved here in 4th grade. So I’ve seen/met the mom at school events because they are in the same grade but we are just acquaintances who would say hello and smile and move along. Same with our daughters. There’s no animosity they just aren’t good friends.

Please listen to this. You weren't friends before, you didn't care before, so why do the fake caring now. This family needs real friends. You may have good intentions but usually when people do this kind of thing its more about their needs than the recipient. This is why you try your best to be nice to all parents and not just your close group and teach your kid to be friends with everyone vs. being exclusive.

Not sure if this is directed at me or another poster but who said I didn’t care? I definitely care and am not behind fake and my kid is definitely not exclusive just because her and this girl are not BFFs. I want to be sensitive and I haven’t mentioned this to any other parent friends I know. Obviously I don’t know what is the best thing to do here which is why I asked on this forum. If the answer is MYOB I’ll do that. The girls mom knows that my daughter knows.

That poster is so incredibly wrong. In every community, people tend to rally around those who seem to be struggling whether financially or health wise. You don't have to be friends with someone to offer some support and kind words in their trying time. That is what we humans do.

A child in your community has been through some tough illness, and you are offering kind words and support. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

NP but not everyone wants their community to include people they're not close friends with. I keep a very small circle of people that I update on the negative things in my life. It's not because of shame, or that I think mental illness should be hidden, it's because I don't want to think about that stuff all the time. I compartmentalize and I don't want someone asking me for updates on things I don't enjoy talking about. It would upset me to know people I hadn't shared the info with were talking about it.

I think the short answer is no one knows the right answer because people cope differently. I think it's great OP's, daughter reached out. I don't know if I would or not, OP. I would probably let my daughter lead on the reaching out for the time being.

[Anonymous]

I think the fact that the girls are in communication rules out anything you say/do being interpreted as neighborhood gossip. Go with the note and giftcard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An acquaintance of my daughter's attempted suicide and is hospitalized. They live in our neighborhood. 9th grade. Kids went to elementary and middle school together. I don't know the mom well at all but wanted to reach out to her. But I don't really know what to say. Should I drop off a gift card to a local restaurant? I really feel for her but I also don't want to intrude during a hard time. Just want to be sensitive and let them know we are sorry and thinking about their family.

You don’t really know them and your reaching out will just mean the whole neighborhood is talking. Let your daughter reach out but your dinner card will likely not have the effect you wished it would have.

[Anonymous]

We suffered a very, very horrific tragedy at our home and the fact that so many neighbors knew and said nothing - I mean there is literally a street-accessible box at the end of our driveway specifically designed for, oh I don’t know, the drop-off of paper notes meant for us - was galling and isolating. I will always remember that silence and inaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that the girls are in communication rules out anything you say/do being interpreted as neighborhood gossip. Go with the note and giftcard.

+1

And, depending on how things go and what you hear through your daughter, consider doing this in the future, too. Something to let the mom know she doesn't have to hide what happened from you - which is different than you prying or implying that the mom needs to share. If/when you see the mom, ask how things are and follow her lead (if she doesn't want to talk about it, don't push it, but again, what can be so helpful is your being supportive and non-judgmental).

I'm sending all the best for the most positive outcome for this family.

[Anonymous]

i think it would be better to drop off or send a card that says thinking of you than do nothing. Even if the family doesn't want to deal with people they don't know well the worse they can think is that you mean well. Would be hard to find a simple card offensive. I remember being touched when people I did not know well surprised me kind notes when a family member died (one with mental illness so it was complicated too)...I always remember that I found it touching so I try to reach out like that too.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the posters who said uptbtead that I personally would not have been happy to get a note from someone I didn’t really know. I respect that other people have different perspectives and acknowledge I may be more private than most.

I am a little surprised that none of the people who work in suicide prevention noted that there is a potentially problematic dynamic when kids who were never friends with the child before are suddenly reaching out and supportive due to the suicide attempt. For a child who is depressed and socially isolated, if the depression and suicide attempt becomes the means to become “special” or to get positive attention, it can be really problematic. I think it’s especially true where there’s a personality disorder at play and not just depression. I’m not saying that kids shouldn’t support each other, but there’s a sort of complicated line here. Suicide is different from other health conditions in this way. I’m not the most educated on this but my child did DBT to recover post-attempt and I think one of the tenets of DBT is that kids should not really be discussing this stuff with peers outside of the mediated DBT program. I think if my kid knew of another kid who had attempted suicide, I would encourage them to be extra kind to the kid, reach out to suggest a movie night or a hike or dog walk or whatever, but not have my kid specifically talking about the attempt with the child, or making it seem like the friendly overture is motivated by the attempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the posters who said uptbtead that I personally would not have been happy to get a note from someone I didn’t really know. I respect that other people have different perspectives and acknowledge I may be more private than most.

I am a little surprised that none of the people who work in suicide prevention noted that there is a potentially problematic dynamic when kids who were never friends with the child before are suddenly reaching out and supportive due to the suicide attempt. For a child who is depressed and socially isolated, if the depression and suicide attempt becomes the means to become “special” or to get positive attention, it can be really problematic. I think it’s especially true where there’s a personality disorder at play and not just depression. I’m not saying that kids shouldn’t support each other, but there’s a sort of complicated line here. Suicide is different from other health conditions in this way. I’m not the most educated on this but my child did DBT to recover post-attempt and I think one of the tenets of DBT is that kids should not really be discussing this stuff with peers outside of the mediated DBT program. I think if my kid knew of another kid who had attempted suicide, I would encourage them to be extra kind to the kid, reach out to suggest a movie night or a hike or dog walk or whatever, but not have my kid specifically talking about the attempt with the child, or making it seem like the friendly overture is motivated by the attempt.

The dynamic you're describing is incredibly nuanced and challenging even for many mental health professionals to manage, let alone teens/tweens and their (non mental health expert) parents. Keep in mind that most kids/parents aren't going to do the bolded because most of them don't have personality disorders themselves and, moreover, those are incredibly uncomfortable topics to discuss for most people.

So, I get what you're saying, but I think the slim chance of that happening shouldn't get in the way of the OP sending a short message of support and her daughter doing the same. The separate process is the child and family getting the treatment they need--but that doesn't mean they don't also need compassionate support from their community, even at somewhat of a distance.

I hope your child is doing better. DBT is a solid program, and it's changed a lot of lives for the better. All the best to you.