attempted suicide of acquaintance- reach out to parent?

[Anonymous]

My brother died by suicide. If he had had even 1/10 of the kind of support that other people have when they suffer chronic illnesses that can occasionally be deadly, he would be alive today. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. He did not choose his illness, nor did he choose the symptoms that caused his death. It makes me so angry that he suffered so much because of the shame and stigma. 0P, it is very very good of you to reach out to the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat it as you would any other illness because it is. If you'd send a card or meal if she broke her back then send one for this circumstance. The silence implies shame. You are very kind OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

We were in a similar situation and I would not want an acquaintance inserting herself in this personal situation. If the child’s friend wanted to drop off a gift or a card, fine, but I wouldn’t want to have to explain anything to the parent if we weren’t friends. You may mean well, OP, but you should give the family their space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this place and if you were not a close friend I would not have been happy to have you in our family’s business. People can say it’s just like any other illness but the truth is it’s not. We did not spread this news around and I would have been really upset that people I didn’t know well were chatting about it. I only told some friends at the office, in part because I took FMLA leave.

I’m sorry that you have experienced this, but the stigma that you are perpetuating put your loved one even more at risk. It is OK to except help from others when you have a person who has symptoms of an illness that can be deadly. Hiding And shame only makes it worse for everyone who suffers, and it cuts you off from support and help that could potentially be there for you as well.

Eh—she’s free to tell whoever she wants, and I’ve actually encouraged her to share what she learned in the process with younger girls through various community service projects. But I’m not going to be spreading around information about her medical condition. And I’d be pissed at peoole in the neighborhood for taking about it. She went through a year of DBT after hospitalization and is doing well. But an important part of her recovery was having and developing an identity and a vision for herself outside of “depressed girl.”
Frankly, if I had cancer I wouldn’t want a bunch of random people in the neighborhood talking about it either. If I didn’t tell you, the. I probably don’t want you to know.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say it is nice that you’re supporting your neighbor and want to do so in the most respectful way. Sometimes dcum makes me think everyone is secretly terrible, and posts like this make me happy there are still nice people out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat it as you would any other illness because it is. If you'd send a card or meal if she broke her back then send one for this circumstance. The silence implies shame. You are very kind OP.

Yes - yes! Excellent insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother died by suicide. If he had had even 1/10 of the kind of support that other people have when they suffer chronic illnesses that can occasionally be deadly, he would be alive today. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. He did not choose his illness, nor did he choose the symptoms that caused his death. It makes me so angry that he suffered so much because of the shame and stigma. 0P, it is very very good of you to reach out to the family

I’m sorry. I’m a PP here and it’s true that even now in these woke days, there is so little support. I hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

No, you aren't friends with the parents so its one more thing for them to deal with and kids aren't friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this place and if you were not a close friend I would not have been happy to have you in our family’s business. People can say it’s just like any other illness but the truth is it’s not. We did not spread this news around and I would have been really upset that people I didn’t know well were chatting about it. I only told some friends at the office, in part because I took FMLA leave.

I’m sorry that you have experienced this, but the stigma that you are perpetuating put your loved one even more at risk. It is OK to except help from others when you have a person who has symptoms of an illness that can be deadly. Hiding And shame only makes it worse for everyone who suffers, and it cuts you off from support and help that could potentially be there for you as well.

Eh—she’s free to tell whoever she wants, and I’ve actually encouraged her to share what she learned in the process with younger girls through various community service projects. But I’m not going to be spreading around information about her medical condition. And I’d be pissed at peoole in the neighborhood for taking about it. She went through a year of DBT after hospitalization and is doing well. But an important part of her recovery was having and developing an identity and a vision for herself outside of “depressed girl.”
Frankly, if I had cancer I wouldn’t want a bunch of random people in the neighborhood talking about it either. If I didn’t tell you, the. I probably don’t want you to know.

Please listen to this. You weren't friends before, you didn't care before, so why do the fake caring now. This family needs real friends. You may have good intentions but usually when people do this kind of thing its more about their needs than the recipient. This is why you try your best to be nice to all parents and not just your close group and teach your kid to be friends with everyone vs. being exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had 2 friends commit suicide in high school/college. I honestly don't know if you should reach out to the parents as well - but I would strongly encourage your daughter to reach out to this student with a card or even a text or an email or something. It could mean the world to this other person to know that they are not alone and someone...anyone...cares enough about them as an individual to reach out. I suspect that would mean far more to the parents than hearing from you would as well.

This is a great idea. I work in suicide prevention. It’s important to let the person know they’ are not alone and should not feel more shame for what they are going through.

Comments on social media are not enough. I phone call or personal note are much better. Maybe your daughter could encourage other friends to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had 2 friends commit suicide in high school/college. I honestly don't know if you should reach out to the parents as well - but I would strongly encourage your daughter to reach out to this student with a card or even a text or an email or something. It could mean the world to this other person to know that they are not alone and someone...anyone...cares enough about them as an individual to reach out. I suspect that would mean far more to the parents than hearing from you would as well.

This is a great idea. I work in suicide prevention. It’s important to let the person know they’ are not alone and should not feel more shame for what they are going through.

Comments on social media are not enough. I phone call or personal note are much better. Maybe your daughter could encourage other friends to do the same.

Agree treating this with silence only perpetuates the stigma. Reaching out is different than gossiping.

[Anonymous]

OP again. My daughter is in touch with the girl, and the girl responded. They aren’t enemies or anything, but were never close friends or in the same friend groups since we moved here in 4th grade. So I’ve seen/met the mom at school events because they are in the same grade but we are just acquaintances who would say hello and smile and move along. Same with our daughters. There’s no animosity they just aren’t good friends.

Please listen to this. You weren't friends before, you didn't care before, so why do the fake caring now. This family needs real friends. You may have good intentions but usually when people do this kind of thing its more about their needs than the recipient. This is why you try your best to be nice to all parents and not just your close group and teach your kid to be friends with everyone vs. being exclusive.

Not sure if this is directed at me or another poster but who said I didn’t care? I definitely care and am not behind fake and my kid is definitely not exclusive just because her and this girl are not BFFs. I want to be sensitive and I haven’t mentioned this to any other parent friends I know. Obviously I don’t know what is the best thing to do here which is why I asked on this forum. If the answer is MYOB I’ll do that. The girls mom knows that my daughter knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you aren't friends with the parents so its one more thing for them to deal with and kids aren't friends.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this place and if you were not a close friend I would not have been happy to have you in our family’s business. People can say it’s just like any other illness but the truth is it’s not. We did not spread this news around and I would have been really upset that people I didn’t know well were chatting about it. I only told some friends at the office, in part because I took FMLA leave.

+1 Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this place and if you were not a close friend I would not have been happy to have you in our family’s business. People can say it’s just like any other illness but the truth is it’s not. We did not spread this news around and I would have been really upset that people I didn’t know well were chatting about it. I only told some friends at the office, in part because I took FMLA leave.

I’m sorry that you have experienced this, but the stigma that you are perpetuating put your loved one even more at risk. It is OK to except help from others when you have a person who has symptoms of an illness that can be deadly. Hiding And shame only makes it worse for everyone who suffers, and it cuts you off from support and help that could potentially be there for you as well.

Eh—she’s free to tell whoever she wants, and I’ve actually encouraged her to share what she learned in the process with younger girls through various community service projects. But I’m not going to be spreading around information about her medical condition. And I’d be pissed at peoole in the neighborhood for taking about it. She went through a year of DBT after hospitalization and is doing well. But an important part of her recovery was having and developing an identity and a vision for herself outside of “depressed girl.”
Frankly, if I had cancer I wouldn’t want a bunch of random people in the neighborhood talking about it either. If I didn’t tell you, the. I probably don’t want you to know.

I'm a different PP than the one you're responding to, but I really agree with the other PP. Your experience is yours, and I'm sorry you went through that and of course you should share your experience.

But OP, I've done a lot of work through my job with families going through traumatic experiences, and I agree with the other PP: the shame and sense of needing to keep this private is a common feeling, but it's often not rooted in the realization that it IS a health issue and is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Horrified by, confused by, broken hearted by of course. But hiding it and being pissed that others are talking about it... Most families I've worked with were INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL for each person who treated them like humans, who showed sympathy and empathy, who basically just reached out to say "I'm sorry this happened, is it helpful if I drop food/gift card by? How are your other kids (if there are others)? I'd be happy to take them to the movies with my kids..."

And absolutely ditto on the beauty of reaching out to the child if they survived an attempted suicide. My DD is 12 and one of her best online friends 1/2 through the pandemic, he disappeared from the site they all talked on, she was devastated he stopped talking and stopped responding. She still wrote regularly, even when she assumed he wasn't coming back to the site. Maybe 4 weeks later she heard from another tween on the site that he'd committed suicide. She STILL wrote him, devasted that he had died. Recently out of nowhere he showed up again, he did try to kill himself but he didn't die, and was in a coma for months. He didn't have much memory, but he let my DD know she was the ONLY person who wrote him regularly and even though he didn't remember her very well, he was incredibly grateful and knew he must've been lucky to have such a great person for a friend.

Needless to say it was incredibly consufusing, emotional, and difficult for DD but she's now been very supportive of several people her age (starting at age 10) who've had mental health or other crises and needed hospitalization. It can mean the whole world to those young people who are having the hardest, most isolating time imaginable.

So I'd say always err on the side of checking in, leaving a nice note, just being kind. The silence and eggshell walking that so many people do, even with best intentions, often just makes families feel even more isolated and shameful/shamed, despite what a few families feel like this PP here who would be pissed if someone dropped a note by.