attempted suicide of acquaintance- reach out to parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. My daughter is in touch with the girl, and the girl responded. They aren’t enemies or anything, but were never close friends or in the same friend groups since we moved here in 4th grade. So I’ve seen/met the mom at school events because they are in the same grade but we are just acquaintances who would say hello and smile and move along. Same with our daughters. There’s no animosity they just aren’t good friends.

Please listen to this. You weren't friends before, you didn't care before, so why do the fake caring now. This family needs real friends. You may have good intentions but usually when people do this kind of thing its more about their needs than the recipient. This is why you try your best to be nice to all parents and not just your close group and teach your kid to be friends with everyone vs. being exclusive.

Not sure if this is directed at me or another poster but who said I didn’t care? I definitely care and am not behind fake and my kid is definitely not exclusive just because her and this girl are not BFFs. I want to be sensitive and I haven’t mentioned this to any other parent friends I know. Obviously I don’t know what is the best thing to do here which is why I asked on this forum. If the answer is MYOB I’ll do that. The girls mom knows that my daughter knows.

That poster is so incredibly wrong. In every community, people tend to rally around those who seem to be struggling whether financially or health wise. You don't have to be friends with someone to offer some support and kind words in their trying time. That is what we humans do.

A child in your community has been through some tough illness, and you are offering kind words and support. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

NP but not everyone wants their community to include people they're not close friends with. I keep a very small circle of people that I update on the negative things in my life. It's not because of shame, or that I think mental illness should be hidden, it's because I don't want to think about that stuff all the time. I compartmentalize and I don't want someone asking me for updates on things I don't enjoy talking about. It would upset me to know people I hadn't shared the info with were talking about it.

I think the short answer is no one knows the right answer because people cope differently. I think it's great OP's, daughter reached out. I don't know if I would or not, OP. I would probably let my daughter lead on the reaching out for the time being.

As a response to the bolded: No one has suggested that OP ask for updates. Come one now. There are a few people who do not want kindness from strangers/acquaintances. Most people will appreciate a kind show of support. And even these people should understand what the intention. Why should OP not assume that these people are like most people and will appreciate some support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. My daughter is in touch with the girl, and the girl responded. They aren’t enemies or anything, but were never close friends or in the same friend groups since we moved here in 4th grade. So I’ve seen/met the mom at school events because they are in the same grade but we are just acquaintances who would say hello and smile and move along. Same with our daughters. There’s no animosity they just aren’t good friends.

Please listen to this. You weren't friends before, you didn't care before, so why do the fake caring now. This family needs real friends. You may have good intentions but usually when people do this kind of thing its more about their needs than the recipient. This is why you try your best to be nice to all parents and not just your close group and teach your kid to be friends with everyone vs. being exclusive.

Not sure if this is directed at me or another poster but who said I didn’t care? I definitely care and am not behind fake and my kid is definitely not exclusive just because her and this girl are not BFFs. I want to be sensitive and I haven’t mentioned this to any other parent friends I know. Obviously I don’t know what is the best thing to do here which is why I asked on this forum. If the answer is MYOB I’ll do that. The girls mom knows that my daughter knows.

That poster is so incredibly wrong. In every community, people tend to rally around those who seem to be struggling whether financially or health wise. You don't have to be friends with someone to offer some support and kind words in their trying time. That is what we humans do.

A child in your community has been through some tough illness, and you are offering kind words and support. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

NP but not everyone wants their community to include people they're not close friends with. I keep a very small circle of people that I update on the negative things in my life. It's not because of shame, or that I think mental illness should be hidden, it's because I don't want to think about that stuff all the time. I compartmentalize and I don't want someone asking me for updates on things I don't enjoy talking about. It would upset me to know people I hadn't shared the info with were talking about it.

I think the short answer is no one knows the right answer because people cope differently. I think it's great OP's, daughter reached out. I don't know if I would or not, OP. I would probably let my daughter lead on the reaching out for the time being.

As a response to the bolded: No one has suggested that OP ask for updates. Come one now. There are a few people who do not want kindness from strangers/acquaintances. Most people will appreciate a kind show of support. And even these people should understand what the intention. Why should OP not assume that these people are like most people and will appreciate some support?

Wow. Let me try typing the above again. Sorry (I am not drinking or anything :

As a response to the bolded: No one has suggested that OP ask for updates. Come on now. There are a few people who do not want kindness from strangers/acquaintances in tying times. Most people will appreciate a kind show of support. And even those who do not want such kindness would/should understand the intention behind it. Why should OP not assume that these people will appreciate her kindness and support like most people do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the posters who said uptbtead that I personally would not have been happy to get a note from someone I didn’t really know. I respect that other people have different perspectives and acknowledge I may be more private than most.

I am a little surprised that none of the people who work in suicide prevention noted that there is a potentially problematic dynamic when kids who were never friends with the child before are suddenly reaching out and supportive due to the suicide attempt. For a child who is depressed and socially isolated, if the depression and suicide attempt becomes the means to become “special” or to get positive attention, it can be really problematic. I think it’s especially true where there’s a personality disorder at play and not just depression. I’m not saying that kids shouldn’t support each other, but there’s a sort of complicated line here. Suicide is different from other health conditions in this way. I’m not the most educated on this but my child did DBT to recover post-attempt and I think one of the tenets of DBT is that kids should not really be discussing this stuff with peers outside of the mediated DBT program. I think if my kid knew of another kid who had attempted suicide, I would encourage them to be extra kind to the kid, reach out to suggest a movie night or a hike or dog walk or whatever, but not have my kid specifically talking about the attempt with the child, or making it seem like the friendly overture is motivated by the attempt.

I 100% agree with the bolded statement. I don't hink children are equiped to have this discussion with their peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We suffered a very, very horrific tragedy at our home and the fact that so many neighbors knew and said nothing - I mean there is literally a street-accessible box at the end of our driveway specifically designed for, oh I don’t know, the drop-off of paper notes meant for us - was galling and isolating. I will always remember that silence and inaction.

Well, I am not trying to be mean, but you could have reached out too. Not everyone knows how to deal with this sort of thing and since you wanted to be contacted, you could have made the first move to let people know that you welcomed their out reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We suffered a very, very horrific tragedy at our home and the fact that so many neighbors knew and said nothing - I mean there is literally a street-accessible box at the end of our driveway specifically designed for, oh I don’t know, the drop-off of paper notes meant for us - was galling and isolating. I will always remember that silence and inaction.

Well, I am not trying to be mean, but you could have reached out too. Not everyone knows how to deal with this sort of thing and since you wanted to be contacted, you could have made the first move to let people know that you welcomed their out reach.

Reach out to who? People who don't care. Reality is most people don't care. We had something horrible happen as well. At best people might have been supportive for a week and after that nothing. I found out who my true friends were very quickly. Why would I reach out when you know and don't care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. My daughter is in touch with the girl, and the girl responded. They aren’t enemies or anything, but were never close friends or in the same friend groups since we moved here in 4th grade. So I’ve seen/met the mom at school events because they are in the same grade but we are just acquaintances who would say hello and smile and move along. Same with our daughters. There’s no animosity they just aren’t good friends.

Please listen to this. You weren't friends before, you didn't care before, so why do the fake caring now. This family needs real friends. You may have good intentions but usually when people do this kind of thing its more about their needs than the recipient. This is why you try your best to be nice to all parents and not just your close group and teach your kid to be friends with everyone vs. being exclusive.

Not sure if this is directed at me or another poster but who said I didn’t care? I definitely care and am not behind fake and my kid is definitely not exclusive just because her and this girl are not BFFs. I want to be sensitive and I haven’t mentioned this to any other parent friends I know. Obviously I don’t know what is the best thing to do here which is why I asked on this forum. If the answer is MYOB I’ll do that. The girls mom knows that my daughter knows.

That poster is so incredibly wrong. In every community, people tend to rally around those who seem to be struggling whether financially or health wise. You don't have to be friends with someone to offer some support and kind words in their trying time. That is what we humans do.

A child in your community has been through some tough illness, and you are offering kind words and support. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

NP but not everyone wants their community to include people they're not close friends with. I keep a very small circle of people that I update on the negative things in my life. It's not because of shame, or that I think mental illness should be hidden, it's because I don't want to think about that stuff all the time. I compartmentalize and I don't want someone asking me for updates on things I don't enjoy talking about. It would upset me to know people I hadn't shared the info with were talking about it.

I think the short answer is no one knows the right answer because people cope differently. I think it's great OP's, daughter reached out. I don't know if I would or not, OP. I would probably let my daughter lead on the reaching out for the time being.

As a response to the bolded: No one has suggested that OP ask for updates. Come one now. There are a few people who do not want kindness from strangers/acquaintances. Most people will appreciate a kind show of support. And even these people should understand what the intention. Why should OP not assume that these people are like most people and will appreciate some support?

Wow. Let me try typing the above again. Sorry (I am not drinking or anything :

As a response to the bolded: No one has suggested that OP ask for updates. Come on now. There are a few people who do not want kindness from strangers/acquaintances in tying times. Most people will appreciate a kind show of support. And even those who do not want such kindness would/should understand the intention behind it. Why should OP not assume that these people will appreciate her kindness and support like most people do?

I respect you have a different opinion. I do enjoy kindness from strangers/acquaintances but if it's motivated by a tragic event it's not welcome attention for me personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat it as you would any other illness because it is. If you'd send a card or meal if she broke her back then send one for this circumstance. The silence implies shame. You are very kind OP.

Yes - yes! Excellent insight.

Agree! Mental health issues affect something like one in 4 families. Very common. Thank you for being kind.