Father with dementia in nursing home, sister wants to bring him home

[Anonymous]

my sister that lives with him is very unstable and volatile

Then no
Majority rules. Not everyone will be happy. Don't waste time trying to get everyone on board. No need to bother trying to convince an "unstable" and "volatile" sibling. Those who are mentally strong and reasonable make the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia and one has Parkinson’s. Both are physically disabled in addition to their dementia.

If you can afford it, in home care is fifteen better, especially in a home they are used to living in. There is this myth that assisted living etc places are the great places that are safer than home but they really aren’t.

However 24 7 care at home is very expensive.

Please be kind to your sister. She may be volatile to you because she is under a lot of pressure handling this while you are 200 miles away opining but not doing the work.

OP here. Thank you for the reply. And while I understand that you might think I am not doing the work, you are in no position to comment on something you know nothing about, and that I have first hand knowledge of. I could write 16 pages of what she has done and I have done, but didn't think it was necessary to explain what I know, and that the entire family knows, as fact. I have done things and dealt with things that I seriously doubt most people would tolerate from a sibling. Please save the judgement, just looking for solutions.

OP again. I guess I need to have this post taken down. The issue is about my father, not the judgement of what my sister has and hasn't done. And you have NO IDEA what she has done, or what I have done. This is why I don't post to this forum. Please FOCUS on the question, and save the judgement. I just want to know if anyone would be comfortable with a man in this condition coming home to live with YOU.

If your sister is willing to line up the care and manage the caregivers, then yes, it can be done. Is he nearing death? He may want to die at home. That is a reasonable request and your sister no matter how difficult is doing a very generous thing in being willing to take this on. Been there, done that, multiple times.

[Anonymous]

Also, even with dementia, if your father in in palliative care or near it, going through that process in your home can make the person more relaxed, which can make the process of dying less agonizing and faster. That and pain medicine.

[Anonymous]

I would imagine your father would rather be at home with people he loves and that love him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have elderly parents and they live near my brother. Siblings and I have always held the opinion that the boots on the ground gets to make decisions. Your sister is the one who is looking after your dad and she gets to make the decision. Sorry.

Do what you can to make her life easier. Emotionally, the quality of life for your dad will be better if he is at home. He is probably near death. Let him be surrounded by loved ones. Let him not be with strangers. The aim is not for him to live longer. The aim for him is to live happier even if it is a shorter life.

Thank you. This is very helpful. I will continue to do whatever I can to support her. I guess that includes taking all of her verbal abuse even when we all do anything we can to support her. She's doing the work, so I guess that's what I deserve. Unfortunately it's ripping apart the family, and after years and years of taking it from her and still continue to love her, one day that love might be gone. You can only abuse the ones that have been there for you so many times.

OP again - and just to add, his quality of life won't be better. She screams at him when he spills something, threatens to have him removed and put in a home if he won't get up and go to the bathroom himself, and then usually tells him to "F off". Everyone wants to make this about my poor sister, but as I have said, I could write a book about what life has been like for the rest of the family since she moved in. At the nursing home it's peaceful, he socializes in the dining room and has a routine. The same cannot be said when he gets home. But I guess I am just a deadbeat that had the nerve to not live by my parents, so good luck dad!

OP, what you describe here is abuse, especially if they are habitual interactions. It sounds like she has legal authority to make decisions but has made recurrent bad ones and is being abusive. The way I see it, you have two options:

1. You are not willing to risk blowing up the family and can deal with knowing that your father might have a happier (?) but shorter life with her making decisions. So, you respect "boots on the ground" and suck it up when it comes to the chaos. This might be the best decision for your father, or it might not be.

2. You are willing to risk blowing up the family and can't deal with knowing that your father's life might be shorter, even if it might be happier (?). So, you talk to whatever elder abuse resources exist locally for your father and run the case past them. They might or might not act on it. If they act on it, your sister will probably figure out it was you. They might be able to give you some perspective on what you describe and how much can be addressed legally, and how long this will take. This might lead to an outcome you consider better for your father, or it might make things worse.

[Anonymous]

^^If elder abuse services acts on this, it might be in your father's best interest to have a guardian appointed by the court. This might make things better overall, or it might make them worse.

[Anonymous]

PPS: I say this gently, as the daughter of two people whose last years were confusing and fraught with chaos.

Sometimes there is no really good outcome. Sometimes you just have to chose the less bad one. And also, sometimes what parents want (and maybe other people at the end of their live, too) is to have you be present and bear witness, not to fix things. I don't know where you are at with this, or how much your father understands.

It's okay not to know what to do. Trying to think through it and find help is exhausting, and it drains your reserves. It COUNTS that you care and tried, even if nothing ever feels satisfactory or better.

Try to be present with him on a regular basis, whether in person or on the phone, or Zoom, or whatever works for you. Or letters. But try to find some space for just enjoying time with your dad. That matters to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel for you but sounds like your mind is made up. You have only said negative things about your sister -- her lack of judgement, her attitude, her incompetence, impatience, etc.


If you want a little peek into what she is likely going through: she is doing the work and making the outgh decisions, etc and just wants your support/ear to listen. She wants you to understand that caring for an elderly parent --just visiting them or just having it on your mind day-in and day-out) is not easy and regardless of our personality or what we "know" to be true, we cannot control our thoughts and anger, etc. It can be overwhelming, but when you love someone (your father) you convince yourself that it is the right thing to do for them. Also, at her age she is probably scared about her own future, if she sees herself in your father and would want someone to do for her what she wants (or thinks she is doing) for him.

If you have made up your mind and do not care what she thinks or wants to do.. that she is non-logical and can't make any good decision, then you and your other siblings need to come up with something.

But I think supporting her the best you can would help mend your family duing these tough times.

This is all sorts of nonsense. OP should just support her sister as she makes decisions that are not in her father's best interest? So the sister can think that OP understands? No. OP needs to do what is best for her father, which the sister is *not* doing.

As for "then you and your other siblings need to come up with something," - they have. They want OP's father to stay in the facility where he is now, which is equipped to deal with his memory and other issues.

OP, is there a financial component to this? If your sister afraid that her inheritance will be drained having your father stay in a facility? Is she worried that your father will have to sell his house (that she lives in) in order to finance his stay in a facility? (I bet this last one is it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

my sister that lives with him is very unstable and volatile

Then no
Majority rules. Not everyone will be happy. Don't waste time trying to get everyone on board. No need to bother trying to convince an "unstable" and "volatile" sibling. Those who are mentally strong and reasonable make the decision.

Why would majority rule? The sister has the medical poa, presumably given to her by their father. Unless she is neglecting or abusing him? Otherwise, she decides. I’m sorry, OP, that you don’t feel it’s the right care for him. Since it is t up to you, try to support your sister so that she can, in the , do a better job with your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she getting paid by the state as a caregiver? If he doesn’t move home does she have to move out? It seems like there’s an obvious elephant in the room here but maybe I’m wrong.

Yes, you are barking up the wrong tree. No issues with living arrangements, money, nothing. My father has everything in place with what happens when he dies, and we all know what that is, so no motivation there. Just trying to do the best for my dad, and give him the care he deserves. He's a good man.

it's always easy to say whatever hundreds miles away. support your sister or keep your mouth sealed

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he should move close to you since you seem to know what's best even though you're 200 miles away

[Anonymous]

OP here. I truly appreciate those of you who stuck around and offered some concrete advice. There are no easy answers. Home care is much more expensive than long term facility care. The rate is $30/hour, and 24 hours a day would make it extremely expensive. What he has would be gone in a year, including any inheritance. I certainly am fine with that, but I don't think my sister realizes that when that happens, they will take the house (that she lives in), take his cars (that she drives) and her life is turned upside down. She has never held a job, so finding employment would be tough. That said, If I knew my sister would handle things in a mature manner, I would 100% be on board bringing my father home. Even though I don't think he knows what home is anymore, at least we would all feel better he was there and not a facility. Unfortunately, I am not certain that she will miraculously change years of behavior in the next few weeks. Lining up care, calling agencies, getting the house ready - she will demand (not ask) that we all help. And we are happy to do so. But the moment we don't do something (in her opinion) we are cut-off from her. We don't get updates about my father, which yes, I know I could call and ask myself, but I really don't feel like taxing the nursing staff with multiple calls when as a family we should have our shit together enough to have one person as the POC with the nurses. They have enough to do. She then takes it upon herself to make all of the decisions, but when a few weeks pass, and she has decided to mend fences, then we are once again on duty to help with the bulk of the work. And I am happy to do so, but she does need to understand that I have a family and a job, where she has one job to do - and that is to take care of our father. And if it isn't done timely, then we feel the wrath.

Anyway, I could go on and on. And I really don't want to make this about bashing her. Unfortunately she is who she is, and is POA. IF this is her decision, then we live with it, cross our fingers, and do what we can to help. Before his dementia got to the point it is now, I made sure I told him everything I wanted to say and have comfort in that. He really no longer understands anything that's going on around him, and its heartbreaking. We will do what we can while he is still with us, and deal with the fall-out, if any comes of it.

[Anonymous]

You wrote that post thinking it makes you sound better. It actually makes you sound worse. I'd LOVE to hear your sister's side of things.

[Anonymous]

OP that is fine if what he has is gone in a year. He may be gone in a year. Why are you worried about your sister after your father passes away? That will be for her to worry about not you.

You know that your father wants to go home. It is the very very very rare person who would choose to die in a nursing home than at home. Is your father that person? So you chip in and get some hours of home health, you set up hospice, you make is a point to spend every weekend there helping your father. There are a lot of options between nursing home and home with just sister. 200 miles isn't that long of a drive. I am sure if you commit to going to see him every other weekend you will have a better idea of what is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wrote that post thinking it makes you sound better. It actually makes you sound worse. I'd LOVE to hear your sister's side of things.

The sister is making decisions based on preserving her housing and inheritance, and you think the OP looks bad? OK.