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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have elderly parents and they live near my brother. Siblings and I have always held the opinion that the boots on the ground gets to make decisions. Your sister is the one who is looking after your dad and she gets to make the decision.  Sorry.

Do what you can to make her life easier.  Emotionally, the quality of life for your dad will be better if he is at home.  He is probably near death. Let him be surrounded by loved ones. Let him not be with strangers. The aim is not for him to live longer. The aim for him is to live happier even if it is a shorter life. [/quote]

Thank you. This is very helpful. I will continue to do whatever I can to support her. I guess that includes taking all of her verbal abuse even when we all do anything we can to support her. She's doing the work, so I guess that's what I deserve. Unfortunately it's ripping apart the family, and after years and years of taking it from her and still continue to love her, one day that love might be gone. You can only abuse the ones that have been there for you so many times. [/quote]

OP again - and just to add, his quality of life won't be better. She screams at him when he spills something, threatens to have him removed and put in a home if he won't get up and go to the bathroom himself, and then usually tells him to "F off".  Everyone wants to make this about my poor sister, but as I have said, I could write a book about what life has been like for the rest of the family since she moved in. At the nursing home it's peaceful, he socializes in the dining room and has a routine. The same cannot be said when he gets home. But I guess I am just a deadbeat that had the nerve to not live by my parents, so good luck dad![/quote]

OP, what you describe here is abuse, especially if they are habitual interactions. It sounds like she has legal authority to make decisions but has made recurrent bad ones and is being abusive. The way I see it, you have two options:

1. You are not willing to risk blowing up the family and can deal with knowing that your father might have a happier (?) but shorter life with her making decisions. So, you respect "boots on the ground" and suck it up when it comes to the chaos. This might be the best decision for your father, or it might not be.

2. You are willing to risk blowing up the family and can't deal with knowing that your father's life might be shorter, even if it might be happier (?).  So, you talk to whatever elder abuse resources exist locally for your father and run the case past them. They might or might not act on it. If they act on it, your sister will probably figure out it was you. They might be able to give you some perspective on what you describe and how much can be addressed legally, and how long this will take. This might lead to an outcome you consider better for your father, or it might make things worse.[/quote]

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