Father with dementia in nursing home, sister wants to bring him home

[Anonymous]

Father went to the hospital in January and my sister who lives with him thought it was appropriate to have him go to rehab for a couple of weeks before returning home. Since then, there has been multiple hospital stays for various things (UTI, low oxygen, etc). Sister decided she was unhappy with the first rehab center, so after the second hospital stay moved him to a new facility. After another hospital stay she moved him once again, where he currently is today. Unfortunately, as is common with elderly, all of these moves confused him greatly. He was already showing signs of dementia, but it has now reached the next level. Many times he doesn't know where he is, or he is at so-so's home visiting, etc. Recently he asked where my mother was and why wasn't she visiting (she died three years ago). Some days are good days, and you can carry on a basic conversation - i.e., what did you eat for lunch? Did you do PT today? In addition to the dementia, he has worsening Parkinson's disease which leaves him shaky and unbalanced. He is very weak and can only walk (aided by a person and a walker) about 30 feet. He is frequently incontinent. He has trouble swallowing (Parkinsons) so his food needs to be basically mush and they need to thicken his water so he doesn't choke. His recent hospital visit they discovered MRSA, so he has a PICC line for 4-6 weeks of antibiotics, which would need to be flushed by my sister at least once per day. The Physical Therapy department at the nursing home says he has reached a plateau, and they don't push him because of his COPD and two aneurisms in his heart that could explode at any time. He cannot bathe or dress himself.

My sister is hell bent on bringing him home because she promised him she would. He asks to come home but honestly I don't think he knows what that is anymore. My siblings feel it is a mistake bringing him home. I live 200 miles away, and while two other siblings are nearby and can help, it seems that skilled nursing is the better option. We would have to have someone be there overnight (he tries to get out of bed and has fallen multiple times) and the rest of the time it would be up to my sister's who are in their 60's. Yes, we could bring in extra help, but after adding up the expense of in-home care, plus the stress on the family (my sister that lives with him is very unstable and volatile), it makes more sense to put him in long term care, where he has 24/7 skilled care. Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this? He is 86 and as you can see, has multiple health issues. How do you go about convincing someone to leave him where he is - which he seems to be happy with most of the time? I don't know if she is doing it to alleviate her own guilt (and trust me, the way she conducted herself with him before all of this happened, i know I would feel guilty), but the situation just doesn't seem safe for my father.

[Anonymous]

My parents both have dementia and one has Parkinson’s. Both are physically disabled in addition to their dementia.

If you can afford it, in home care is fifteen better, especially in a home they are used to living in. There is this myth that assisted living etc places are the great places that are safer than home but they really aren’t.

However 24 7 care at home is very expensive.

Please be kind to your sister. She may be volatile to you because she is under a lot of pressure handling this while you are 200 miles away opining but not doing the work.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your sister has been doing the vast majority of the work and that you are unappreciative and critical of her. Go live in her shoes for a few days, taking care of your father, and see how good of a mood you are in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia and one has Parkinson’s. Both are physically disabled in addition to their dementia.

If you can afford it, in home care is fifteen better, especially in a home they are used to living in. There is this myth that assisted living etc places are the great places that are safer than home but they really aren’t.

However 24 7 care at home is very expensive.

Please be kind to your sister. She may be volatile to you because she is under a lot of pressure handling this while you are 200 miles away opining but not doing the work.

OP here. Thank you for the reply. And while I understand that you might think I am not doing the work, you are in no position to comment on something you know nothing about, and that I have first hand knowledge of. I could write 16 pages of what she has done and I have done, but didn't think it was necessary to explain what I know, and that the entire family knows, as fact. I have done things and dealt with things that I seriously doubt most people would tolerate from a sibling. Please save the judgement, just looking for solutions.

[Anonymous]

You and your other sibs need power of attorney over him. Who is in control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia and one has Parkinson’s. Both are physically disabled in addition to their dementia.

If you can afford it, in home care is fifteen better, especially in a home they are used to living in. There is this myth that assisted living etc places are the great places that are safer than home but they really aren’t.

However 24 7 care at home is very expensive.

Please be kind to your sister. She may be volatile to you because she is under a lot of pressure handling this while you are 200 miles away opining but not doing the work.

OP here. Thank you for the reply. And while I understand that you might think I am not doing the work, you are in no position to comment on something you know nothing about, and that I have first hand knowledge of. I could write 16 pages of what she has done and I have done, but didn't think it was necessary to explain what I know, and that the entire family knows, as fact. I have done things and dealt with things that I seriously doubt most people would tolerate from a sibling. Please save the judgement, just looking for solutions.

OP again. I guess I need to have this post taken down. The issue is about my father, not the judgement of what my sister has and hasn't done. And you have NO IDEA what she has done, or what I have done. This is why I don't post to this forum. Please FOCUS on the question, and save the judgement. I just want to know if anyone would be comfortable with a man in this condition coming home to live with YOU.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if he could come home for visits several hours a day a few times a week? I don’t know if that is a good idea or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your other sibs need power of attorney over him. Who is in control?

The sister that lives with him is POA over financial and health decisions. I would go into that topic, but the almighty judging queens on this board would pick it apart and go off on my about whatever it is I say. Gosh, it's nice to know so many people have wonderful families that all act completely normal in a time of crisis. Mine isn't one of them. I could write a book about what it was like with this same sister when my mother died. It was hideous, and stressful - and unnecessary. But this is how she rolls.

[Anonymous]

Is she getting paid by the state as a caregiver? If he doesn’t move home does she have to move out? It seems like there’s an obvious elephant in the room here but maybe I’m wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if he could come home for visits several hours a day a few times a week? I don’t know if that is a good idea or not.

Oh, that's the other dilemma about bringing him home. There are eight stairs to get into the house - PT told us yesterday "oh, we haven't worked on stairs". We are even sure how my sister plans on getting him in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she getting paid by the state as a caregiver? If he doesn’t move home does she have to move out? It seems like there’s an obvious elephant in the room here but maybe I’m wrong.

Yes, you are barking up the wrong tree. No issues with living arrangements, money, nothing. My father has everything in place with what happens when he dies, and we all know what that is, so no motivation there. Just trying to do the best for my dad, and give him the care he deserves. He's a good man.

[Anonymous]

I have elderly parents and they live near my brother. Siblings and I have always held the opinion that the boots on the ground gets to make decisions. Your sister is the one who is looking after your dad and she gets to make the decision. Sorry.

Do what you can to make her life easier. Emotionally, the quality of life for your dad will be better if he is at home. He is probably near death. Let him be surrounded by loved ones. Let him not be with strangers. The aim is not for him to live longer. The aim for him is to live happier even if it is a shorter life.

[Anonymous]

If you cannot or will not help you get no say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your other sibs need power of attorney over him. Who is in control?

The sister that lives with him is POA over financial and health decisions. I would go into that topic, but the almighty judging queens on this board would pick it apart and go off on my about whatever it is I say. Gosh, it's nice to know so many people have wonderful families that all act completely normal in a time of crisis. Mine isn't one of them. I could write a book about what it was like with this same sister when my mother died. It was hideous, and stressful - and unnecessary. But this is how she rolls.

If she has POA and has made up her mind there is really nothing else for you to do or say. I agree with you that she’s making a mistake but you can’t control her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she getting paid by the state as a caregiver? If he doesn’t move home does she have to move out? It seems like there’s an obvious elephant in the room here but maybe I’m wrong.

Yes, you are barking up the wrong tree. No issues with living arrangements, money, nothing. My father has everything in place with what happens when he dies, and we all know what that is, so no motivation there. Just trying to do the best for my dad, and give him the care he deserves. He's a good man.

I don’t think you understood my question, which was if your sister’s life will be better *while he is alive* if he comes home. Sounds like she’s been a full time care giver a long time. Maybe she can’t figure out how to let go.