Father with dementia in nursing home, sister wants to bring him home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have elderly parents and they live near my brother. Siblings and I have always held the opinion that the boots on the ground gets to make decisions. Your sister is the one who is looking after your dad and she gets to make the decision. Sorry.

Do what you can to make her life easier. Emotionally, the quality of life for your dad will be better if he is at home. He is probably near death. Let him be surrounded by loved ones. Let him not be with strangers. The aim is not for him to live longer. The aim for him is to live happier even if it is a shorter life.

Thank you. This is very helpful. I will continue to do whatever I can to support her. I guess that includes taking all of her verbal abuse even when we all do anything we can to support her. She's doing the work, so I guess that's what I deserve. Unfortunately it's ripping apart the family, and after years and years of taking it from her and still continue to love her, one day that love might be gone. You can only abuse the ones that have been there for you so many times.

[Anonymous]

Here is the truth: in-home care is only better if you can afford a truly 24/7, attentive, type of care. It requires SERIOUS MONEY but also watching the paid caregivers like a hawk, so commitment on the part of the relative, even though they may not be doing the actual caring.

Can your sister provide that?

If she cannot, then for the patient's own sake, they're better off in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have elderly parents and they live near my brother. Siblings and I have always held the opinion that the boots on the ground gets to make decisions. Your sister is the one who is looking after your dad and she gets to make the decision. Sorry.

Do what you can to make her life easier. Emotionally, the quality of life for your dad will be better if he is at home. He is probably near death. Let him be surrounded by loved ones. Let him not be with strangers. The aim is not for him to live longer. The aim for him is to live happier even if it is a shorter life.

Thank you. This is very helpful. I will continue to do whatever I can to support her. I guess that includes taking all of her verbal abuse even when we all do anything we can to support her. She's doing the work, so I guess that's what I deserve. Unfortunately it's ripping apart the family, and after years and years of taking it from her and still continue to love her, one day that love might be gone. You can only abuse the ones that have been there for you so many times.

OP again - and just to add, his quality of life won't be better. She screams at him when he spills something, threatens to have him removed and put in a home if he won't get up and go to the bathroom himself, and then usually tells him to "F off". Everyone wants to make this about my poor sister, but as I have said, I could write a book about what life has been like for the rest of the family since she moved in. At the nursing home it's peaceful, he socializes in the dining room and has a routine. The same cannot be said when he gets home. But I guess I am just a deadbeat that had the nerve to not live by my parents, so good luck dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Here is the truth: in-home care is only better if you can afford a truly 24/7, attentive, type of care. It requires SERIOUS MONEY but also watching the paid caregivers like a hawk, so commitment on the part of the relative, even though they may not be doing the actual caring.

Can your sister provide that?

If she cannot, then for the patient's own sake, they're better off in a nursing home.

No, she cannot. She becomes overwhelmed what a bill comes in and needs to conference the rest of in rather than make a call to whoever sent the bill. She's overwhelmed when my father hasn't made it to the bathroom and she has to clean it up. She's overwhelmed that she had to set out breakfast for him, which consists of a package of instant oatmeal. She was overwhelmed with keeping him on a low sodium diet, which BTW, was the original reason he was sent to the hospital - his legs were swollen up to his knees. They literally drained gallons of fluid out of the man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you cannot or will not help you get no say.

That logic, if you can call it that, doesn't apply here. OP is not asking her sister to do more; she's saying that the father should stay in inpatient care for his safety. It would also relieve her sister (and other siblings) of the need to care for him, rather than impose additional burdens.

[Anonymous]

BTDT and skilled care all the way, presuming it's a high quality facility. Your sister can do so much for him by being a very present visitor and advocate for his care and comfort than she can by trying to take on the primary caregiving responsibilities herself. Even with in-home help, the burden will be much greater and the end result is likely to be harder for everyone but especially your father.

Sibling dynamics in these situations are so hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your other sibs need power of attorney over him. Who is in control?

The sister that lives with him is POA over financial and health decisions. I would go into that topic, but the almighty judging queens on this board would pick it apart and go off on my about whatever it is I say. Gosh, it's nice to know so many people have wonderful families that all act completely normal in a time of crisis. Mine isn't one of them. I could write a book about what it was like with this same sister when my mother died. It was hideous, and stressful - and unnecessary. But this is how she rolls.

If she has POA and has made up her mind there is really nothing else for you to do or say. I agree with you that she’s making a mistake but you can’t control her.

Unfortunately, I think this is right. It sounds like it will be a terrible mistake, but other than taking legal action to strip her of her POA, it sounds like she is the final authority.

Can your other nearby siblings tell her that they think this is a mistake and they won't participate in his in-home care, because it's the wrong choice? The problem, of course, is that this might endanger your father, which no one wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT and skilled care all the way, presuming it's a high quality facility. Your sister can do so much for him by being a very present visitor and advocate for his care and comfort than she can by trying to take on the primary caregiving responsibilities herself. Even with in-home help, the burden will be much greater and the end result is likely to be harder for everyone but especially your father.

Sibling dynamics in these situations are so hard!

Thank you. Yes, this is all very difficult. It was very difficult with my mother. With both it is constant phone calls talking my sister off a ledge, calling nurses, being present on care plan calls, doctor consultations, calling to speak with them, you name it. All while juggling a child at home learning (elementary), a full-time job (in the office, not working at home) and a spouse who has elderly parents of his own that he is helping. It's exhausting. The place he is now is very, very good. And we have tried all of them in their small town (third one!). It's nice to know he is in good hands. Frequently when I call a nurse is in the room with him. He needs constant attention and becomes highly agitated, which I expect from someone with dementia. I know it's the disease, and not the person. It will be constant chaos when he comes home. It was when he was there and in relatively good health.

[Anonymous]

1) You need to be seeing someone for yourself. Grief counselor, regular therapist, something. You are clearly struggling emotionally (no judgement!! I would be too!!) and there's clearly lots of baggage here. But I can see just from the way you're lashing out at people on this message board (yeah, some people are mean, but it seems like the vast majority are just trying to give you advice based on what little they know) that you're not doing okay.

2) Accept your limitations. Your sister has POA and is his health guardian and lives close by. There is very little you can do to overrule her here. Sucks, especially if she's making bad decisions, but it appears to be the reality.

3) The only potential path that I see is to do a bunch of research yourself, and present an easy, fully thought out B plan that she could fall back on. If you could present her with something like a "I understand you want to bring him home. You know I disagree, but that's your decision to make, and I'll support you however I can. However, if it ever becomes too much, I want you to know that you have an option. I have found XXX facility. They have openings, the cost is easily covered by his estate. It has X, Y, Z features that I think he needs and A, B, C features that I think he'll like. There is no need to do anything right now if you don't want to, but here is all the information, and if you ever want to discuss this further, I'm here to help." Might not make a difference now (heck, it might make things worse now) but it's likely the day will come when she can't take care of him anymore, and having this Plan B ready and waiting will be a godsend for both of you.

4) You say money is not an issue. If that's the case, can you arrange for 24/7 nursing care in his home? That might be the best of both worlds, and take some of the pressure off all of you. That's what my husband's family had to do when his father was no longer capable of attending to 100% of his ailing wife's needs, and while everyone fought it for a while as "unnecessary" or "too much" - it quickly became indispensable.

You're in an incredibly tough spot, and I wish you the best. You'll be in my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) You need to be seeing someone for yourself. Grief counselor, regular therapist, something. You are clearly struggling emotionally (no judgement!! I would be too!!) and there's clearly lots of baggage here. But I can see just from the way you're lashing out at people on this message board (yeah, some people are mean, but it seems like the vast majority are just trying to give you advice based on what little they know) that you're not doing okay.

2) Accept your limitations. Your sister has POA and is his health guardian and lives close by. There is very little you can do to overrule her here. Sucks, especially if she's making bad decisions, but it appears to be the reality.

3) The only potential path that I see is to do a bunch of research yourself, and present an easy, fully thought out B plan that she could fall back on. If you could present her with something like a "I understand you want to bring him home. You know I disagree, but that's your decision to make, and I'll support you however I can. However, if it ever becomes too much, I want you to know that you have an option. I have found XXX facility. They have openings, the cost is easily covered by his estate. It has X, Y, Z features that I think he needs and A, B, C features that I think he'll like. There is no need to do anything right now if you don't want to, but here is all the information, and if you ever want to discuss this further, I'm here to help." Might not make a difference now (heck, it might make things worse now) but it's likely the day will come when she can't take care of him anymore, and having this Plan B ready and waiting will be a godsend for both of you.

4) You say money is not an issue. If that's the case, can you arrange for 24/7 nursing care in his home? That might be the best of both worlds, and take some of the pressure off all of you. That's what my husband's family had to do when his father was no longer capable of attending to 100% of his ailing wife's needs, and while everyone fought it for a while as "unnecessary" or "too much" - it quickly became indispensable.

You're in an incredibly tough spot, and I wish you the best. You'll be in my thoughts.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful response. I understand that people are trying to be helpful, however I just wanted an opinion about if my father was in a position to be at home given all of his circumstances. I did not want to make it about my sister, other than she is the one wanting to bring him home. Yes, there are YEARS of hurt feelings and I am getting assistance with those issues, but it's incredibly frustrating to ask a question about one topic and get people weighing in on something I did not ask them to weigh in on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here is the truth: in-home care is only better if you can afford a truly 24/7, attentive, type of care. It requires SERIOUS MONEY but also watching the paid caregivers like a hawk, so commitment on the part of the relative, even though they may not be doing the actual caring.

Can your sister provide that?

If she cannot, then for the patient's own sake, they're better off in a nursing home.

No, she cannot. She becomes overwhelmed what a bill comes in and needs to conference the rest of in rather than make a call to whoever sent the bill. She's overwhelmed when my father hasn't made it to the bathroom and she has to clean it up. She's overwhelmed that she had to set out breakfast for him, which consists of a package of instant oatmeal. She was overwhelmed with keeping him on a low sodium diet, which BTW, was the original reason he was sent to the hospital - his legs were swollen up to his knees. They literally drained gallons of fluid out of the man.

Why is she in charge of paying the bills? She has enough to do. Have her send you all the bills and you can pay them online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here is the truth: in-home care is only better if you can afford a truly 24/7, attentive, type of care. It requires SERIOUS MONEY but also watching the paid caregivers like a hawk, so commitment on the part of the relative, even though they may not be doing the actual caring.

Can your sister provide that?

If she cannot, then for the patient's own sake, they're better off in a nursing home.

No, she cannot. She becomes overwhelmed what a bill comes in and needs to conference the rest of in rather than make a call to whoever sent the bill. She's overwhelmed when my father hasn't made it to the bathroom and she has to clean it up. She's overwhelmed that she had to set out breakfast for him, which consists of a package of instant oatmeal. She was overwhelmed with keeping him on a low sodium diet, which BTW, was the original reason he was sent to the hospital - his legs were swollen up to his knees. They literally drained gallons of fluid out of the man.

See, you are saying she should handle the task of paying the bill, rather than conferencing in the rest of you. Why should paying the bill be her responsibility? Why is it wrong of her to conference you in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia and one has Parkinson’s. Both are physically disabled in addition to their dementia.

If you can afford it, in home care is fifteen better, especially in a home they are used to living in. There is this myth that assisted living etc places are the great places that are safer than home but they really aren’t.

However 24 7 care at home is very expensive.

Please be kind to your sister. She may be volatile to you because she is under a lot of pressure handling this while you are 200 miles away opining but not doing the work.

OP here. Thank you for the reply. And while I understand that you might think I am not doing the work, you are in no position to comment on something you know nothing about, and that I have first hand knowledge of. I could write 16 pages of what she has done and I have done, but didn't think it was necessary to explain what I know, and that the entire family knows, as fact. I have done things and dealt with things that I seriously doubt most people would tolerate from a sibling. Please save the judgement, just looking for solutions.

NP. I'm sorry so many people are derailing this thread. Ignore them. You owe no explanations. No, unless there is 24/7 nursing care at home your father should not be there. He needs professionals with him at all times based on his current health conditions.

OP again. I guess I need to have this post taken down. The issue is about my father, not the judgement of what my sister has and hasn't done. And you have NO IDEA what she has done, or what I have done. This is why I don't post to this forum. Please FOCUS on the question, and save the judgement. I just want to know if anyone would be comfortable with a man in this condition coming home to live with YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) You need to be seeing someone for yourself. Grief counselor, regular therapist, something. You are clearly struggling emotionally (no judgement!! I would be too!!) and there's clearly lots of baggage here. But I can see just from the way you're lashing out at people on this message board (yeah, some people are mean, but it seems like the vast majority are just trying to give you advice based on what little they know) that you're not doing okay.

2) Accept your limitations. Your sister has POA and is his health guardian and lives close by. There is very little you can do to overrule her here. Sucks, especially if she's making bad decisions, but it appears to be the reality.

3) The only potential path that I see is to do a bunch of research yourself, and present an easy, fully thought out B plan that she could fall back on. If you could present her with something like a "I understand you want to bring him home. You know I disagree, but that's your decision to make, and I'll support you however I can. However, if it ever becomes too much, I want you to know that you have an option. I have found XXX facility. They have openings, the cost is easily covered by his estate. It has X, Y, Z features that I think he needs and A, B, C features that I think he'll like. There is no need to do anything right now if you don't want to, but here is all the information, and if you ever want to discuss this further, I'm here to help." Might not make a difference now (heck, it might make things worse now) but it's likely the day will come when she can't take care of him anymore, and having this Plan B ready and waiting will be a godsend for both of you.

4) You say money is not an issue. If that's the case, can you arrange for 24/7 nursing care in his home? That might be the best of both worlds, and take some of the pressure off all of you. That's what my husband's family had to do when his father was no longer capable of attending to 100% of his ailing wife's needs, and while everyone fought it for a while as "unnecessary" or "too much" - it quickly became indispensable.

You're in an incredibly tough spot, and I wish you the best. You'll be in my thoughts.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful response. I understand that people are trying to be helpful, however I just wanted an opinion about if my father was in a position to be at home given all of his circumstances. I did not want to make it about my sister, other than she is the one wanting to bring him home. Yes, there are YEARS of hurt feelings and I am getting assistance with those issues, but it's incredibly frustrating to ask a question about one topic and get people weighing in on something I did not ask them to weigh in on.

NP. I'm sorry so many people are derailing this thread. Ignore them. You owe no explanations. No, unless there is 24/7 nursing care at home your father should not be there. He needs professionals with him at all times based on his current health conditions.

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel for you but sounds like your mind is made up. You have only said negative things about your sister -- her lack of judgement, her attitude, her incompetence, impatience, etc.


If you want a little peek into what she is likely going through: she is doing the work and making the outgh decisions, etc and just wants your support/ear to listen. She wants you to understand that caring for an elderly parent --just visiting them or just having it on your mind day-in and day-out) is not easy and regardless of our personality or what we "know" to be true, we cannot control our thoughts and anger, etc. It can be overwhelming, but when you love someone (your father) you convince yourself that it is the right thing to do for them. Also, at her age she is probably scared about her own future, if she sees herself in your father and would want someone to do for her what she wants (or thinks she is doing) for him.

If you have made up your mind and do not care what she thinks or wants to do.. that she is non-logical and can't make any good decision, then you and your other siblings need to come up with something.

But I think supporting her the best you can would help mend your family duing these tough times.