Father with dementia in nursing home, sister wants to bring him home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^If elder abuse services acts on this, it might be in your father's best interest to have a guardian appointed by the court. This might make things better overall, or it might make them worse.

APS will not do anything but counsel the family in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wrote that post thinking it makes you sound better. It actually makes you sound worse. I'd LOVE to hear your sister's side of things.

The sister is making decisions based on preserving her housing and inheritance, and you think the OP looks bad? OK.

No, OP admits that her sister will be worse off financially with the dad coming home. Sounds like the dad wants to come home and the sister is trying to accommodate that, but Op disagrees it’s the right decision. But it’s not her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wrote that post thinking it makes you sound better. It actually makes you sound worse. I'd LOVE to hear your sister's side of things.

The sister is making decisions based on preserving her housing and inheritance, and you think the OP looks bad? OK.

No, OP admits that her sister will be worse off financially with the dad coming home. Sounds like the dad wants to come home and the sister is trying to accommodate that, but Op disagrees it’s the right decision. But it’s not her decision.

No, that's not what OP said. OP said that if they secures 24/7 care at home, the assets would be exhausted in a year or so. But OP also doubts the sister will do that, and will try to get by on her own, or with help from other siblings and minimal outside help.

This is an asset protection decision by the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^If elder abuse services acts on this, it might be in your father's best interest to have a guardian appointed by the court. This might make things better overall, or it might make them worse.

APS will not do anything but counsel the family in this situation.

This, they will not od anything and you will not get guardianship in this situation either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wrote that post thinking it makes you sound better. It actually makes you sound worse. I'd LOVE to hear your sister's side of things.

The sister is making decisions based on preserving her housing and inheritance, and you think the OP looks bad? OK.

No, OP admits that her sister will be worse off financially with the dad coming home. Sounds like the dad wants to come home and the sister is trying to accommodate that, but Op disagrees it’s the right decision. But it’s not her decision.

No, that's not what OP said. OP said that if they secures 24/7 care at home, the assets would be exhausted in a year or so. But OP also doubts the sister will do that, and will try to get by on her own, or with help from other siblings and minimal outside help.

This is an asset protection decision by the sister.

They might as well spend down the money so medicaid will pay for the nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wrote that post thinking it makes you sound better. It actually makes you sound worse. I'd LOVE to hear your sister's side of things.

The sister is making decisions based on preserving her housing and inheritance, and you think the OP looks bad? OK.

No, OP admits that her sister will be worse off financially with the dad coming home. Sounds like the dad wants to come home and the sister is trying to accommodate that, but Op disagrees it’s the right decision. But it’s not her decision.

No, that's not what OP said. OP said that if they secures 24/7 care at home, the assets would be exhausted in a year or so. But OP also doubts the sister will do that, and will try to get by on her own, or with help from other siblings and minimal outside help.

This is an asset protection decision by the sister.

They might as well spend down the money so medicaid will pay for the nursing home.

But then where will the sister live?

[Anonymous]

Op, if your sister has been taking care of your dad for awhile, how is she supposed to work? You sound like a snob who thinks you're better better your sister. How pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if your sister has been taking care of your dad for awhile, how is she supposed to work? You sound like a snob who thinks you're better better your sister. How pathetic. [/quote

Pathetic? Nice. My sister moved into my parents home 5 years ago because she spent the money from her divorce and could no longer afford her trailer. My parents didn't want her living on the streets. She was 55 years old when she moved in, and had never worked a day in her life. My parents did not need help until 3 years after she moved in. She never worked during that time.

Given that, her desire to bring him home and pay for 24/7 care and exhaust all of the money, that concerns me. I know someone commented that I shouldn't be concerned that leaves nothing for her and it shouldn't be my concern, but of course it is. She is still my sister and I don't want her homeless.

[Anonymous]

And yes, my sister's decisions have notoriously been bad ones. When my mother was dying she insisted that she had 247 hospice care lined up at no cost and insisted that was correct even when we questioned her. My mother was brought home on a stretcher into her home and was there 2 hours before she finally realised that this was not the case. Since it's hard to find available beds my mother was placed in the nastiest nursing home In that area and died 2 days laterl. Alone.

[Anonymous]

And here is my final thought. For all of you who think I'm a dreadful horrible person that doesn't have the right to weigh-in because I am not the one living there, than you are entitled to your opinion. Clearly you have a functional family who operate on a normal level. I clearly do not. This shit show is my life and I can only do the best I can. Thank you to everyone who gave concrete advice, I truly appreciate it. But for those who have not walked this path and do not have a family that operates like mine, I hope to God That you never have to experience it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if your sister has been taking care of your dad for awhile, how is she supposed to work? You sound like a snob who thinks you're better better your sister. How pathetic.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And here is my final thought. For all of you who think I'm a dreadful horrible person that doesn't have the right to weigh-in because I am not the one living there, than you are entitled to your opinion. Clearly you have a functional family who operate on a normal level. I clearly do not. This shit show is my life and I can only do the best I can. Thank you to everyone who gave concrete advice, I truly appreciate it. But for those who have not walked this path and do not have a family that operates like mine, I hope to God That you never have to experience it

There is a troll that keeps posting here to stir the pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And here is my final thought. For all of you who think I'm a dreadful horrible person that doesn't have the right to weigh-in because I am not the one living there, than you are entitled to your opinion. Clearly you have a functional family who operate on a normal level. I clearly do not. This shit show is my life and I can only do the best I can. Thank you to everyone who gave concrete advice, I truly appreciate it. But for those who have not walked this path and do not have a family that operates like mine, I hope to God That you never have to experience it

There is a troll that keeps posting here to stir the pot.[/quote

There certainly is. My best to them. This is a screwed up situation and it involves real people. But kudos to those who delight in other people's misery. I no longer have the desire to be their entertainment.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. This is incredibly hard. FWIW, I agree your dad should stay in the facility - for all of the reasons you mentioned. But do you have any control over that? If your sister has POA and wants to care for him at home, I’m not quite sure what you can do.

The facility is responsible for a safe discharge and its usually the social worker who manages all of that. It would probably be beneficial to visit and meet with the social worker, or even call for a family meeting. I don’t know how much they can share with you if you’re not POA. But it’s possible they’ve observed some of your sister’s dysfunction.

If there’s truly nothing to be done, then you’ll just have to do what you can to get supports in place - home care, adaptive equipment, ramp, etc.

[Anonymous]

And practice self-care. There are so many things you have no control over - all you can do is the best you can. I imagine your dad appointed your sister POA when he was well enough to do so; these were choices that he made. They may have been terrible or misguided choices, but they were his and it’s what precipitated the situation he’s in.