A theory about "tough love" friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got tough love friends. In certain cases I've been the tough love friend. I don't think there's an easy answer here. Personal preference plays a large role. As do a lot of subtleties. But yeah, if I'm repeatedly behaving in a way that's likely to hurt other people or cause me pain down the road, I absolutely want a close friend to be like "this is a mistake." And I do the same for my friends. But at what point in the sliding scale? That's important. Generally, you've gotta be pretty far down the self destruction path for me to call you out, absent you asking for my advice. But ohhhhh man, if you ask for my advice? You're getting the unvarnished truth.

Once I knocked on a close friends door with a new haircut and she literally laughed in my face. And you know what? She was right, it was a bad haircut for me (though it took about a year for me to admit that). I absolutely need friends like that, and want them. It might not be for you, and that's fine, too.

I do not want friends like this because I had "tough love" parents and spent my entire childhood feeling judged and found wanting. I hate feeling judged by my friends and it is not why I make friends. Let me make my mistakes. It's my life.

I also think that if you are worried about a friend or think they are making a mistake, the place to start is asking questions and trying to understand. If your first instinct is to jump in with advice or to tell people they are doing it wrong, you are very likely to alienate your friend. If your goal is actually to help (and not just to judge), then you should want to fully understand the situation and see if there is something you are not getting. I always start from the perspective that other people understand their own lives better than I do because I think anything else is arrogant and probably mistaken.

That explains it your maturity is stunted, and thus you feel and react like a child/teenager. Therapy would probably help, but you are also probably the anti-therapy poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many women these days only want to hear what they want to hear. The truth is too hard to hear.

I'm personally grateful for my tough love friends. But I realize most women are not like this. Thus I keep my circle of friends small, and away from the ninnies and drama llamas..

[Anonymous]

The people who are so.impressed with themselves when they proudly crow "I just tell it like it is!!" in reality just want license to be a jackass without repercussions.

[Anonymous]

It depends. I'm not going to offer my thoughts on something that the other person doesn't want advice on. However, if a friend keeps telling me about the same problem over and over, and never does anything to change it, assuming it is change-able, after some point, they are getting some tough love.

[Anonymous]

I think for me one reason I don't like being on the receiving end of this "blunt" approach is that I don't really trust anyone and don't feel like they know the real me. I feel like I'd be okay getting it from a therapist. I'm definitely okay getting it from my husband. But from friends I'm like, who do you think you are? And I've gotten the same response when I've been the "tough love" person in the conversation.

And that is all fine, but then don't keep complaining about the same problem and issue over and over again to friends. Save the discussion of those problems and issues for your therapist, or husband, or whoever else you are open to hearing blunt advice from. It's not your friends' job to say "there, there" about the same issues for months and years on end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want tough love. Keep all the drama about your cheating, lazy, abusive, smelly, overweight, porn addicted, gambling-addicted, bad at sex, bf/DH , and whatever else you complain about to yourself. Easy Peasy.

Who are all these people with friends in relationships with terrible men? I don’t know anyone like this. My friends sometimes complain about their husbands because long-term relationships are hard and sometimes you just need to vent. Like my DH likes to get himself extremely full glasses of ice water and leave them all over the house after taking a single sip and it drives me crazy. This is the kind of inane complaint I might share with a friend. If her response was “Well that’s your fault for marrying him!” I would not get divorced but I would break up with that friend.

Learn to listen to people. It will serve you well in all your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who are so.impressed with themselves when they proudly crow "I just tell it like it is!!" in reality just want license to be a jackass without repercussions.

This. Also, they are unwilling to admit that this “truth-telling” they are doing is just a strong opinion. Most of the stuff people dole out tough love about doesn’t have an objective truth— it’s always subjective. You should usually tread lightly when it comes to other people’s choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women these days only want to hear what they want to hear. The truth is too hard to hear.

I'm personally grateful for my tough love friends. But I realize most women are not like this. Thus I keep my circle of friends small, and away from the ninnies and drama llamas..

I am personally grateful not to have any friends who refer to people as “ninnies and drama llamas.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are so.impressed with themselves when they proudly crow "I just tell it like it is!!" in reality just want license to be a jackass without repercussions.

This. Also, they are unwilling to admit that this “truth-telling” they are doing is just a strong opinion. Most of the stuff people dole out tough love about doesn’t have an objective truth— it’s always subjective. You should usually tread lightly when it comes to other people’s choices.

Yeah. I think everyone doles out "tough love" on occasion, but only certain people use it as an identity badge.

The former is fine, even a kindness. The latter, not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this has been such a problem in your life, I think you might be a big complainer. “Tough love” people are usually responding to being invited into your problems.

What you are describing is a co-dependency. Tough love people often seek out "big complainers" because that gives them the opportunity to frequently dole out all their advice and feel superior. And big complainers, in turn, often become fixated on proving to the tough love people that their problems are valid (or that they are valid) and with every rejection, just become more determined to prove it the next time. Both parties will be miserable but they will also both keep coming back for more because the relationship feeds their insecurities.

If someone "invites you into their problems" you can always decline the invitation. And if you find yourself giving tough love advice a lot, it would probably be a good idea to step back and ask (1) if that is actually helping your friend, and (2) if it is serving you. The answer to both is probably no. A lot of people in the world are seeking love and validation, and you might think it's dumb that they want those things, or you might think they are going about it in the wrong way, but neither of those things are really your business.

What you're doing is "making assumptions." I don't identify as a tough love person. If I find myself in the company of a complainer, I sure do tell them when they're full of it, but I sure don't need to make friends with them. There are a LOT of women who just want to sit around and admire their problems and make a mess of their life. They sure can do it without involving me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women these days only want to hear what they want to hear. The truth is too hard to hear.

I'm personally grateful for my tough love friends. But I realize most women are not like this. Thus I keep my circle of friends small, and away from the ninnies and drama llamas..

I am personally grateful not to have any friends who refer to people as “ninnies and drama llamas.”

Life is so much better without passive-aggressive drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this has been such a problem in your life, I think you might be a big complainer. “Tough love” people are usually responding to being invited into your problems.

What you are describing is a co-dependency. Tough love people often seek out "big complainers" because that gives them the opportunity to frequently dole out all their advice and feel superior. And big complainers, in turn, often become fixated on proving to the tough love people that their problems are valid (or that they are valid) and with every rejection, just become more determined to prove it the next time. Both parties will be miserable but they will also both keep coming back for more because the relationship feeds their insecurities.

If someone "invites you into their problems" you can always decline the invitation. And if you find yourself giving tough love advice a lot, it would probably be a good idea to step back and ask (1) if that is actually helping your friend, and (2) if it is serving you. The answer to both is probably no. A lot of people in the world are seeking love and validation, and you might think it's dumb that they want those things, or you might think they are going about it in the wrong way, but neither of those things are really your business.

What you're doing is "making assumptions." I don't identify as a tough love person. If I find myself in the company of a complainer, I sure do tell them when they're full of it, but I sure don't need to make friends with them. There are a LOT of women who just want to sit around and admire their problems and make a mess of their life. They sure can do it without involving me.

+1 They want you to cosign their mess too, and if you don't you're mean or not kind enough and all the other accusations the emotionally immature and emotional vampires are coming up within this thread. Life is so much better whit my small circle of grown women who don't carry on as little girls, who love each other fiercely, hold each other accountable, have fun together, laugh and cry together, but you got to do the drama on your own. High school is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Only give advice if asked directly. My question to you is how do you perceive yourself as a friend? Maybe others find you lacking because you don't tell them the truth. Either way, the friends you lost gained so much more in losing you.

Pardon?

Which part confused you? I forgot to write I only give advice when asked directly. Other than that seems pretty clear.

The whole thing confuses me. I do not understand any of it.

I am saying I am not the tough love friend because I only give advice when asked.

Please don't come back and say you don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many women these days only want to hear what they want to hear. The truth is too hard to hear.

So true. Just look at all the threads in this forum. Flames and smoke everywhere, but the majority of women want to dive right into the flames, which is fine but these type of women are never satisfied with keeping their bad choices and the consequences of their bad choices to themselves.s Oh no they want to beg for advice for hours , and then get pissy when it's not what they want to hear ( he's totally awesome and loves you) and then when it goes to shit want to be mad at everybody but thmselves. Middle school shit. I swear most women do not mature past middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women these days only want to hear what they want to hear. The truth is too hard to hear.

So true. Just look at all the threads in this forum. Flames and smoke everywhere, but the majority of women want to dive right into the flames, which is fine but these type of women are never satisfied with keeping their bad choices and the consequences of their bad choices to themselves.s Oh no they want to beg for advice for hours , and then get pissy when it's not what they want to hear ( he's totally awesome and loves you) and then when it goes to shit want to be mad at everybody but thmselves. Middle school shit. I swear most women do not mature past middle school.

100%. I'm the PP with the friend who married the wrong guy and it all blew up in short order. She wanted the fun party guy because only "boring" guys had 9-5 jobs and wore suits to work. So she married the man child who wanted to become a pro athlete, never was able to, had no college education, and no career prospects and she was soon upset and disappointed that he had no money and she paid all the bills. There were so many warning signs but she ignored them all because she was ready to be married and wanted the big wedding. What are you supposed to say in situations like that? "You go girl?" Or, "maybe you should think this through". I would think a better friend would ask some hard questions than just be blindly supportive if you really were looking out for them.