Sex life after 20 years together

[Anonymous]

You have to try. You need to sustain intimacy to keep the connection and attraction. Your brain and emotions play a big role in attraction, so you need to approach this from all fronts.

Trust me, you want to reach the finish line. You don’t divorce over this; you fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had sex in 5 years. It seems a shame to toss a 20 year relationship over sex, but there is just no attraction there and I'm not sure I can live this way anymore.

... no sex “with each other” you meant. Let’s be honest: normal healthy men don’t remain celibate.

Some men have low T and no interest. I had no sex 8 out of 10 years. No cheating. Divorced. But I agree, NORMAL men can’t go without for 5 years.

I think you would be surprised by how many men go without it. I remember in college about 50-60% of my friends had no sex in a year. There was another like 10% who were hooking up every month and maybe one in a relationship. I guess this is another stereotype women push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 20 years together and our sex life is very infrequent and stale. Maybe 2x a month on a good month but usually once and only because he pushes for it. Sometimes I enjoy it but I could go without. I am not sexually attracted to him but it is not his fault, he's attractive but it feels like we are friends and platonic

He always tries to spice it up but I just want to be left alone. Quickies are fine.

DW here and about the same timeline as PP. I am just not interested in sex with DH and I want to be left alone. I'll have duty sex with him but it's horrible for me. We'll have sex and I'll be happy and carefree for a little while b/c I don't have to have sex and won't need to fend DH off. Then I start getting anxious as the days go by and the time for sex draws nearer. I used to love having sex with DH, but years of life together, stupid marital arguments, health issues and 2 kids later, I just don't want to!!! End of vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 years together with one teenager here. For us, it ranges between 1-3x per week. We’re both very fit and still attracted to each other. Overall, its pretty routine and conventional but very good. Every once in a while it gets crazy and its a lot if fun. Earlier in the pandemic when we couldn’t find time she did an impromptu striptease in the garage, f’d me in a camping chair and then on a weight bench. I never forget those fun times.

Yowza! Your wife sounds awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had sex in 5 years. It seems a shame to toss a 20 year relationship over sex, but there is just no attraction there and I'm not sure I can live this way anymore.

... no sex “with each other” you meant. Let’s be honest: normal healthy men don’t remain celibate.

Some men have low T and no interest. I had no sex 8 out of 10 years. No cheating. Divorced. But I agree, NORMAL men can’t go without for 5 years.

I think you would be surprised by how many men go without it. I remember in college about 50-60% of my friends had no sex in a year. There was another like 10% who were hooking up every month and maybe one in a relationship. I guess this is another stereotype women push.

One year is not that bad. 5 is horrible. Also being single is different. Being partnered up it is more frustrating to go without sex for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 20 years together and our sex life is very infrequent and stale. Maybe 2x a month on a good month but usually once and only because he pushes for it. Sometimes I enjoy it but I could go without. I am not sexually attracted to him but it is not his fault, he's attractive but it feels like we are friends and platonic

He always tries to spice it up but I just want to be left alone. Quickies are fine.

DW here and about the same timeline as PP. I am just not interested in sex with DH and I want to be left alone. I'll have duty sex with him but it's horrible for me. We'll have sex and I'll be happy and carefree for a little while b/c I don't have to have sex and won't need to fend DH off. Then I start getting anxious as the days go by and the time for sex draws nearer. I used to love having sex with DH, but years of life together, stupid marital arguments, health issues and 2 kids later, I just don't want to!!! End of vent.

This is exactly how I feel. I'm really pushing for us to find some resolution to get sex elsewhere while keeping the stability. I don't know if it's possible, but it's my hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had sex in 5 years. It seems a shame to toss a 20 year relationship over sex, but there is just no attraction there and I'm not sure I can live this way anymore.

... no sex “with each other” you meant. Let’s be honest: normal healthy men don’t remain celibate.

Some men have low T and no interest. I had no sex 8 out of 10 years. No cheating. Divorced. But I agree, NORMAL men can’t go without for 5 years.

I think you would be surprised by how many men go without it. I remember in college about 50-60% of my friends had no sex in a year. There was another like 10% who were hooking up every month and maybe one in a relationship. I guess this is another stereotype women push.

No sex when single is not even close to no sex when partnered and faithful. No comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 20 years together and our sex life is very infrequent and stale. Maybe 2x a month on a good month but usually once and only because he pushes for it. Sometimes I enjoy it but I could go without. I am not sexually attracted to him but it is not his fault, he's attractive but it feels like we are friends and platonic

He always tries to spice it up but I just want to be left alone. Quickies are fine.

DW here and about the same timeline as PP. I am just not interested in sex with DH and I want to be left alone. I'll have duty sex with him but it's horrible for me. We'll have sex and I'll be happy and carefree for a little while b/c I don't have to have sex and won't need to fend DH off. Then I start getting anxious as the days go by and the time for sex draws nearer. I used to love having sex with DH, but years of life together, stupid marital arguments, health issues and 2 kids later, I just don't want to!!! End of vent.

This is exactly how I feel. I'm really pushing for us to find some resolution to get sex elsewhere while keeping the stability. I don't know if it's possible, but it's my hope.

Ladies you don't seem to grasp how most normal men who wind up in a low sex marriage operate. We KNOW you are uninterested!! That's fine, no offense, no man is going to take that personally. Women just are generally low libido, and sadly the few who aren't... because marriage?... often become uninterested in their own husbands.

This is a universal gender problem that is a thousand years old. The well accepted solution of course is DADT for him. It's easier if you formally grant the hall pass, saves him the trouble of "sneaking" around.

[Anonymous]

married 20 years in a month. Have sex 1-2 times a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 20 years together and our sex life is very infrequent and stale. Maybe 2x a month on a good month but usually once and only because he pushes for it. Sometimes I enjoy it but I could go without. I am not sexually attracted to him but it is not his fault, he's attractive but it feels like we are friends and platonic

He always tries to spice it up but I just want to be left alone. Quickies are fine.

DW here and about the same timeline as PP. I am just not interested in sex with DH and I want to be left alone. I'll have duty sex with him but it's horrible for me. We'll have sex and I'll be happy and carefree for a little while b/c I don't have to have sex and won't need to fend DH off. Then I start getting anxious as the days go by and the time for sex draws nearer. I used to love having sex with DH, but years of life together, stupid marital arguments, health issues and 2 kids later, I just don't want to!!! End of vent.

This is exactly how I feel. I'm really pushing for us to find some resolution to get sex elsewhere while keeping the stability. I don't know if it's possible, but it's my hope.

Ladies you don't seem to grasp how most normal men who wind up in a low sex marriage operate. We KNOW you are uninterested!! That's fine, no offense, no man is going to take that personally. Women just are generally low libido, and sadly the few who aren't... because marriage?... often become uninterested in their own husbands.

This is a universal gender problem that is a thousand years old. The well accepted solution of course is DADT for him. It's easier if you formally grant the hall pass, saves him the trouble of "sneaking" around.

42yo married wife of 18 years. I want to have sex. I miss good passionate sex. I am not interested in having sex with my husband. I dislike him most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 20 years together and our sex life is very infrequent and stale. Maybe 2x a month on a good month but usually once and only because he pushes for it. Sometimes I enjoy it but I could go without. I am not sexually attracted to him but it is not his fault, he's attractive but it feels like we are friends and platonic

He always tries to spice it up but I just want to be left alone. Quickies are fine.

DW here and about the same timeline as PP. I am just not interested in sex with DH and I want to be left alone. I'll have duty sex with him but it's horrible for me. We'll have sex and I'll be happy and carefree for a little while b/c I don't have to have sex and won't need to fend DH off. Then I start getting anxious as the days go by and the time for sex draws nearer. I used to love having sex with DH, but years of life together, stupid marital arguments, health issues and 2 kids later, I just don't want to!!! End of vent.

This is exactly how I feel. I'm really pushing for us to find some resolution to get sex elsewhere while keeping the stability. I don't know if it's possible, but it's my hope.

Ladies you don't seem to grasp how most normal men who wind up in a low sex marriage operate. We KNOW you are uninterested!! That's fine, no offense, no man is going to take that personally. Women just are generally low libido, and sadly the few who aren't... because marriage?... often become uninterested in their own husbands.

This is a universal gender problem that is a thousand years old. The well accepted solution of course is DADT for him. It's easier if you formally grant the hall pass, saves him the trouble of "sneaking" around.

42yo married wife of 18 years. I want to have sex. I miss good passionate sex. I am not interested in having sex with my husband. I dislike him most of the time.

And by staying married to a man you dislike it means you accept DADT for him. This is much easier if you officially grant his hall pass so he can stop sneaking around.

Meanwhile, go ahead and have that affair you want to have. Your affair partner's wife will benefit, for the same reason you benefit when DH gets his elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me feel much less melancholy about being single. I cohabited with divorced men who had kids twice, so got a taste of the selfishness - one of them was always stoned and playing with his friends in person, the other put his World of Warcraft addiction ahead of his kids and me both. I’m high libido, but lost all attraction in the face of that kind of childish crap. I suspect most women in largely sexless marriages are plenty interested in sex but disgusted by the man they’re with because he’s essentially another kid they have to look after - but a kid who can cause incredible harm in their lives.

I know some marriages are true love matches that remain mostly functional for the duration, but from my observations over half a century, it’s clear to me that women usually get the shaft and that’s why so many women don’t want the shaft anymore after the initial stages pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had sex in 5 years. It seems a shame to toss a 20 year relationship over sex, but there is just no attraction there and I'm not sure I can live this way anymore.

... no sex “with each other” you meant. Let’s be honest: normal healthy men don’t remain celibate.

Some men have low T and no interest. I had no sex 8 out of 10 years. No cheating. Divorced. But I agree, NORMAL men can’t go without for 5 years.

I think you would be surprised by how many men go without it. I remember in college about 50-60% of my friends had no sex in a year. There was another like 10% who were hooking up every month and maybe one in a relationship. I guess this is another stereotype women push.

One year is not that bad. 5 is horrible. Also being single is different. Being partnered up it is more frustrating to go without sex for years.

In my experience one year is unbearable. By year three you're used to it, more or less. I guess we'll see at year five, if it keeps going like this.

Love my spouse very much. Wish they'd get the health issues sorted so we weren't sexless. But not willing to cheat or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20 years together with one teenager here. For us, it ranges between 1-3x per week. We’re both very fit and still attracted to each other. Overall, its pretty routine and conventional but very good. Every once in a while it gets crazy and its a lot if fun. Earlier in the pandemic when we couldn’t find time she did an impromptu striptease in the garage, f’d me in a camping chair and then on a weight bench. I never forget those fun times.

Yowza! Your wife sounds awesome!

And not to brag, but we’re about to do it right now as soon as she gets off of a call.

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you attracted to him OP? Sure we are both getting older, but attraction for me is more than looks. I’ve been married 20 years this fall. I’m still wildly attracted to my husband, and have a high drive. He makes me laugh and makes me want to connect with him physically.