Reply to Is it culture thing that parents do not talk about kids (not in front of them)?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, this is completely cultural. I'm American but my parents immigrated from Asia. Culturally Chinese parents believe they should tell their kids what they are doing wrong--believe, my parents are still do this all the time even though  I am in my 40s with kids of my own, LOL!  It would be the height of rudeness to praise one's own children in front of other people. I hated this as a kid because my mom would criticize me in front of my white  American friends--who thought it was really strange. On the flip side, people from other countries can find Americans weirdly pollyannaish (having an ex whose mom was German I laughed at that observation, she was very blunt about people's shortcomings!) and find Americans falsely--they believe--positive about things, including kids.

Just realize it's a cultural difference, both approaches have their strengths and weaknesses. In a white American suburban setting you are better off saying complimentary things about other people's kids. It's different with true friends, but in polite conversation it is just not done to say anything else. Things can sometimes be different in African-American communities and Latino communities if you are part of that community and there is a relationship among families understanding you are all looking out for each other's kids and sometimes that means being strict with children, even not your own, in a different way, but I leave it to folks from those communities to speak to that. [/quote]

I'm not black or latino, but the point about "looking out for each other's kids made me think: I'm much more open about my kid's struggles and shortcomings with people I believe to be invested in her happiness and success.  If you love her and are helping raise her in some way, sure, let's talk honestly about her struggles.  But I'm not going to share her problems with a stranger or acquaintance.  I don't need to put her down so you can judge her or me -- you're not going to help me with whatever the problem is, so why do you need to know?  I discipline and criticize behaviors -- in private.

I also don't brag about her in public, either.  If asked, I'll be honest about her strengths and achievements, but I'm not inserting that into every conversation, either.  If you ask how she's doing in school, I'll say generally that she's doing well and likes her teacher, or something like that.

I'd also add, for OP, that saying negative things about your own kid may be perceived as fishing for compliments.  Like you are saying that he's naughty, but hoping/expecting people will say that he's so well-behaved.  Like saying negative things about someone else's kid, that is generally considered rude in a lot of cultures.  (Not just affluent white suburbans -- I grew up white working/middle class, and while my parents may be free with their criticisms of their kids, if someone else criticized their kid, they would absolutely take offense, out of family loyalty and a sense of "no one gets to beat up my brother but me.")  
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