Divorced parents - how did you handle living arrangements after 18?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need therapy. I have sympathy for you but this is a very specific situation and divorced parents generally are not really applicable. Either you want to try to rebuild the relationship or you don't.

[Anonymous]

You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

This all sounds reasonable - but it doesn’t address how to decide in which household they should reside after the turn 18 and are graduated from hs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

Of course, they don’t talk to PP! But he just wants to be free of any financial contributions so it’s a win-win. He gets to keep his money and they don’t have to suffer contact with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

My spouse does. And, yes, it is how it works. My parents expected us to call weekly, show grades and be accountable and they were married/together. You have every right to have accountability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

Of course, they don’t talk to PP! But he just wants to be free of any financial contributions so it’s a win-win. He gets to keep his money and they don’t have to suffer contact with him.

There is nothing wrong with having accountability for kids if you are paying for things. Most mom's just want the money to come to them and they have the accountability. That is part of alienation.

If he wants to be done with it because doesn't feel he has a relationship with his kid that is ok. Clearly you are the mom who controls everything and sees Dad's money as yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

This all sounds reasonable - but it doesn’t address how to decide in which household they should reside after the turn 18 and are graduated from hs.

I would assume if they are in college, they split holidays/summers or make some kind of arrangement for summers if child is working. If they graduate, more than likely they wouldn't be living at home and living in the dorms. Otherwise, kid can get a job to pay for their needs and choose who/how to live but Dad should not continue to pay child support after 18/no college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

Of course, they don’t talk to PP! But he just wants to be free of any financial contributions so it’s a win-win. He gets to keep his money and they don’t have to suffer contact with him.

There is nothing wrong with having accountability for kids if you are paying for things. Most mom's just want the money to come to them and they have the accountability. That is part of alienation.

If he wants to be done with it because doesn't feel he has a relationship with his kid that is ok. Clearly you are the mom who controls everything and sees Dad's money as yours.

Believe whatever you want, including that you or your DH are better off with your money rather than the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

Of course, they don’t talk to PP! But he just wants to be free of any financial contributions so it’s a win-win. He gets to keep his money and they don’t have to suffer contact with him.

There is nothing wrong with having accountability for kids if you are paying for things. Most mom's just want the money to come to them and they have the accountability. That is part of alienation.

If he wants to be done with it because doesn't feel he has a relationship with his kid that is ok. Clearly you are the mom who controls everything and sees Dad's money as yours.

OP here - and thank you, pp, for putting this into words that have been eluding me. - with the exception that my ex wants $ with no accountability - for her or for DC...

I didn’t buy in to that way of thinking, so have been billed as the bad guy for a long, long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

Of course, they don’t talk to PP! But he just wants to be free of any financial contributions so it’s a win-win. He gets to keep his money and they don’t have to suffer contact with him.

There is nothing wrong with having accountability for kids if you are paying for things. Most mom's just want the money to come to them and they have the accountability. That is part of alienation.

If he wants to be done with it because doesn't feel he has a relationship with his kid that is ok. Clearly you are the mom who controls everything and sees Dad's money as yours.

OP here - and thank you, pp, for putting this into words that have been eluding me. - with the exception that my ex wants $ with no accountability - for her or for DC...

I didn’t buy in to that way of thinking, so have been billed as the bad guy for a long, long time.

Thank God your kid does not have to live with you after 18 because this thread wasn’t really ever about where the kid lived or how that would be decided. It was always that you were done supporting him. Thankfully, turning 18 has freed him from your control.

[Anonymous]

Once my kid started driving he pretty much decided where he’d be. Which was with my 90% of the time when he was in high school. Now that he’s in college he stays where he likes on breaks but he’s been keeping it mostly 50/50. But again, his choice. Door is always open for him at either house and no one gets butthurt by whatever decision he makes.

Honestly OP a relationship with an adult child is so different than when they’re younger. It’s amazingly fulfilling. Sounds like you have a lot of resentment with how you were portrayed when your child was growing up but you have to keep in mind that they were a child, they didn’t have a say in how things went down. And they didn’t have insight into the full story. Don’t hold that against them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

Of course, they don’t talk to PP! But he just wants to be free of any financial contributions so it’s a win-win. He gets to keep his money and they don’t have to suffer contact with him.

There is nothing wrong with having accountability for kids if you are paying for things. Most mom's just want the money to come to them and they have the accountability. That is part of alienation.

If he wants to be done with it because doesn't feel he has a relationship with his kid that is ok. Clearly you are the mom who controls everything and sees Dad's money as yours.

OP here - and thank you, pp, for putting this into words that have been eluding me. - with the exception that my ex wants $ with no accountability - for her or for DC...

I didn’t buy in to that way of thinking, so have been billed as the bad guy for a long, long time.

You are always going to be the bad guy. Any parent who doesn't have any kind of accountability for a college student that they are paying for is a bad parent. The posters saying they have no accountability for their kids are why their kids behave like they do. If kids don't want accountability, they are adults and can pay their own way. Otherwise, the money stops per the court order or if mom gets child support she can and should be using that to pay expenses. Or, if the mom is ok with the behavior they will pay or figure it out. My husband's ex refused to give him any college paperwork and kept demanding money. We suspect the kid got a full ride so it was to continue to pay for her needs as her boyfriend/AP wouldn't pay all her needs and she could no longer work.

My kids know that they will be held accountable and our expectations are we are involved with everything, they work summers to contribute (or unpaid internship in their field for experience), good grades that we see regularly (and if they are struggling to tell us so we can help or get a tutor), and contact. Otherwise, they are adults and if they want to be grown, grown folks pay their own way and bills.

If they choose not to have a relationship with you or follow your rules/expectations as a parent, that is their choice. Wish them the best, leave the door open and move on. No point in chasing them if its true alienation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once my kid started driving he pretty much decided where he’d be. Which was with my 90% of the time when he was in high school. Now that he’s in college he stays where he likes on breaks but he’s been keeping it mostly 50/50. But again, his choice. Door is always open for him at either house and no one gets butthurt by whatever decision he makes.

Honestly OP a relationship with an adult child is so different than when they’re younger. It’s amazingly fulfilling. Sounds like you have a lot of resentment with how you were portrayed when your child was growing up but you have to keep in mind that they were a child, they didn’t have a say in how things went down. And they didn’t have insight into the full story. Don’t hold that against them.

Its easy for you to say that when your child fully lived with you. How would you feel if you got 10%?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child. No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford. With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text. And, visits at holidays/summers. If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now. If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly. And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).

Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.

Of course, they don’t talk to PP! But he just wants to be free of any financial contributions so it’s a win-win. He gets to keep his money and they don’t have to suffer contact with him.

There is nothing wrong with having accountability for kids if you are paying for things. Most mom's just want the money to come to them and they have the accountability. That is part of alienation.

If he wants to be done with it because doesn't feel he has a relationship with his kid that is ok. Clearly you are the mom who controls everything and sees Dad's money as yours.

Believe whatever you want, including that you or your DH are better off with your money rather than the kids.

Its sad you don't teach your kids to be responsible.