Reply to Divorced parents - how did you handle living arrangements after 18?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You keep the current visitation schedule and if they refuse to visit, as soon as they turn 18/court order allows it you cut off money to mom and renegotiate a relationship with your child.  No contact, no money.

If they want college paid for then they show you all paperwork and depending on the options or costs you offer 1/3 (you, mom and child share expenses) or 1/2 (you and mom) or what you can afford.  With that, you get a copy regularly of all grades and weekly phone calls or text.  And, visits at holidays/summers.  If they refuse, they can figure it out with mom as they are adults now.  If they want to be your child and gain from you financially, they need to behave accordingly.  And, make sure you see all paperwork (speaking from experience).
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Do you actually have any adult children? Because, this is not how it works. Unless, yours just don't talk to you ever.[/quote]

Of course, they don’t talk to PP! But he just wants to be free of any financial contributions so it’s a win-win. He gets to keep his money and they don’t have to suffer contact with him.[/quote]

There is nothing wrong with having accountability for kids if you are paying for things.  Most mom's just want the money to come to them and they have the accountability.  That is part of alienation.

If he wants to be done with it because doesn't feel he has a relationship with his kid that is ok.  Clearly you are the mom who controls everything and sees Dad's money as yours.[/quote]

OP here - and thank you, pp, for putting this into words that have been eluding me. - with the exception that my ex wants $ with no accountability - for her or for DC...

I didn’t buy in to that way of thinking, so have been billed as the bad guy for a long, long time. [/quote]

You are always going to be the bad guy.  Any parent who doesn't have any kind of accountability for a college student that they are paying for is a bad parent.  The posters saying they have no accountability for their kids are why their kids behave like they do.  If kids don't want accountability, they are adults and can pay their own way.  Otherwise, the money stops per the court order or if mom gets child support she can and should be using that to pay expenses.  Or, if the mom is ok with the behavior they will pay or figure it out.  My husband's ex refused to give him any college paperwork and kept demanding money.  We suspect the kid got a full ride so it was to continue to pay for her needs as her boyfriend/AP wouldn't pay all her needs and she could no longer work.

My kids know that they will be held accountable and our expectations are we are involved with everything, they work summers to contribute (or unpaid internship in their field for experience), good grades that we see regularly (and if they are struggling to tell us so we can help or get a tutor), and contact.  Otherwise, they are adults and if they want to be grown, grown folks pay their own way and bills.

If they choose not to have a relationship with you or follow your rules/expectations as a parent, that is their choice.  Wish them the best, leave the door open and move on.  No point in chasing them if its true alienation.  [/quote]

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