Divorced parents - how did you handle living arrangements after 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After S1, my X decided he did not want to pay 1/2 of college tuition after all. It had nothing to do with DD’s grades or the school itself. He remarried. His new wife wanted fertility treatments (she was 43). He also took me back to court to have CS reduced for the much younger child.

DD lived with me after that. He was pretty pissed as he hoped to alternate years claiming her on taxes.

Child support ends at age 18. Its appropriate to reduce it to calculate for the child turning 18. My husband's ex demanded more when some kids were over 18 and took him to court (he left it alone and paid just not to have to deal with her). Judge recalculated it to the youngest child.

What was your daughters relationship with Dad?

In some states, parents gave an obligation to pay college tuition if the court orders it.

[Anonymous]

It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well they'd already left for college by the time they turned 18, so it was kind of a non-issue. When they'd come back to visit they'd stay wherever they wanted.

So they just got to choose which house they wanted to stay in, without any discussion about holiday breaks, summer breaks, etc? Was this the case for all four years of college?

That’s how we did it when I was in college. I just asked one of my parents if it was okay for me to be at their house over break and then told the other parent where I would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

This will be a new situation, after 18 will be after hs graduation.

DC undecided at the moment, but considering attending local community college or just entering the workforce - so, in this situation, the situation would entail living "at home" full time. Sorry, should have been more clear about the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

Well, technically, they are an adult, so...

Is it only about the "child's" preference? I guess I'm interested in hearing how the parents managed these discussions/expectations.

Well, if I had plans or preferences I would let my adult offspring know. In general I am happy to host them on breaks and am not using their room for anything specific. If they wanted to move in without a defined ending point that might require more though. I don't know what more you were expecting to hear. Are you trying to tell your offspring they can't stay with you? What is this about?

I am trying to assess how others have handled this. DC have always gravitated more towards ex, in addition to there being a history of alienation. If I am honest, given the history and dynamics, I think it would be best if DC lives with ex - and I'm not sure how I feel about keeping the 50/50 arrangement. Additionally, I want to start renovating my house, and prepping it to be a rental, and that would include a redo of DC's room.

Seems like you do want to tell your adult child no. And that is fine in my view but may have relationship consequences. I don't think anyone can tell you there is a right answer or that your adult child will be okay with what you decide.

Well, the relationship is already compromised. And isn't it a bit of an entitled stance, to think that you just "get" to live in your parent's home? I was expected to move out and make a life of my own at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

And, again, if divorced, how do you make the choice about were they should live in the first situation? Here again, I feel like I was ostracized from their lives for nearly 18 years - very little but a monthly check, in reality - and really feel like it should be the ex who should deal with this kind of situation.

Has anyone had this experience? I'm asking from a parent's perspective.

[Anonymous]

PP, no I have never heard of that. Most kids live with their parents through college when they get a job offer in my circles. Not going to college would be highly unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

Well, technically, they are an adult, so...

Is it only about the "child's" preference? I guess I'm interested in hearing how the parents managed these discussions/expectations.

Well, if I had plans or preferences I would let my adult offspring know. In general I am happy to host them on breaks and am not using their room for anything specific. If they wanted to move in without a defined ending point that might require more though. I don't know what more you were expecting to hear. Are you trying to tell your offspring they can't stay with you? What is this about?

I am trying to assess how others have handled this. DC have always gravitated more towards ex, in addition to there being a history of alienation. If I am honest, given the history and dynamics, I think it would be best if DC lives with ex - and I'm not sure how I feel about keeping the 50/50 arrangement. Additionally, I want to start renovating my house, and prepping it to be a rental, and that would include a redo of DC's room.

I suspect if you tell your kid this, that you don’t want them to stay with you anymore, the problem will solve itself because they won’t want to come to your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

Well, technically, they are an adult, so...

Is it only about the "child's" preference? I guess I'm interested in hearing how the parents managed these discussions/expectations.

Well, if I had plans or preferences I would let my adult offspring know. In general I am happy to host them on breaks and am not using their room for anything specific. If they wanted to move in without a defined ending point that might require more though. I don't know what more you were expecting to hear. Are you trying to tell your offspring they can't stay with you? What is this about?

I am trying to assess how others have handled this. DC have always gravitated more towards ex, in addition to there being a history of alienation. If I am honest, given the history and dynamics, I think it would be best if DC lives with ex - and I'm not sure how I feel about keeping the 50/50 arrangement. Additionally, I want to start renovating my house, and prepping it to be a rental, and that would include a redo of DC's room.

Seems like you do want to tell your adult child no. And that is fine in my view but may have relationship consequences. I don't think anyone can tell you there is a right answer or that your adult child will be okay with what you decide.

Well, the relationship is already compromised. And isn't it a bit of an entitled stance, to think that you just "get" to live in your parent's home? I was expected to move out and make a life of my own at 18.

Doesn’t sound like your ex needed to do very much ostracizing; you sound like an ass who doesn’t care much for their kids anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

And, again, if divorced, how do you make the choice about were they should live in the first situation? Here again, I feel like I was ostracized from their lives for nearly 18 years - very little but a monthly check, in reality - and really feel like it should be the ex who should deal with this kind of situation.

Has anyone had this experience? I'm asking from a parent's perspective.

You either tell the child yes, yes with conditions, or no. You aren't obligated to say yes. But your child isn't obligated to like it if you say no. It is as simple as that. Your child's other parent can also say yes or no. I feel like it is unclear what you are actually asking. Nobody has to deal with this situation, because the child is 18. It is entirely optional. You can try to have a closer and more supportive relationship, or a more distant one with strong boundaries can be your goal. It is up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

And, again, if divorced, how do you make the choice about were they should live in the first situation? Here again, I feel like I was ostracized from their lives for nearly 18 years - very little but a monthly check, in reality - and really feel like it should be the ex who should deal with this kind of situation.

Has anyone had this experience? I'm asking from a parent's perspective.

You either tell the child yes, yes with conditions, or no. You aren't obligated to say yes. But your child isn't obligated to like it if you say no. It is as simple as that. Your child's other parent can also say yes or no. I feel like it is unclear what you are actually asking. Nobody has to deal with this situation, because the child is 18. It is entirely optional. You can try to have a closer and more supportive relationship, or a more distant one with strong boundaries can be your goal. It is up to you.

Thank you, pp, this answer is actually helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

And, again, if divorced, how do you make the choice about were they should live in the first situation? Here again, I feel like I was ostracized from their lives for nearly 18 years - very little but a monthly check, in reality - and really feel like it should be the ex who should deal with this kind of situation.

Has anyone had this experience? I'm asking from a parent's perspective.

You either tell the child yes, yes with conditions, or no. You aren't obligated to say yes. But your child isn't obligated to like it if you say no. It is as simple as that. Your child's other parent can also say yes or no. I feel like it is unclear what you are actually asking. Nobody has to deal with this situation, because the child is 18. It is entirely optional. You can try to have a closer and more supportive relationship, or a more distant one with strong boundaries can be your goal. It is up to you.

Thank you, pp, this answer is actually helpful.

I wonder if your attitude that "the ex should deal" has any relationship to you being ostracized. It doesn't sound like you are a very involved or patient or supportive parent. This could be a chance to spend time with your child as an adult and get to know them. Some people would jump at that chance. But no, "the ex should deal".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

And, again, if divorced, how do you make the choice about were they should live in the first situation? Here again, I feel like I was ostracized from their lives for nearly 18 years - very little but a monthly check, in reality - and really feel like it should be the ex who should deal with this kind of situation.

Has anyone had this experience? I'm asking from a parent's perspective.

You either tell the child yes, yes with conditions, or no. You aren't obligated to say yes. But your child isn't obligated to like it if you say no. It is as simple as that. Your child's other parent can also say yes or no. I feel like it is unclear what you are actually asking. Nobody has to deal with this situation, because the child is 18. It is entirely optional. You can try to have a closer and more supportive relationship, or a more distant one with strong boundaries can be your goal. It is up to you.

Thank you, pp, this answer is actually helpful.

I wonder if your attitude that "the ex should deal" has any relationship to you being ostracized. It doesn't sound like you are a very involved or patient or supportive parent. This could be a chance to spend time with your child as an adult and get to know them. Some people would jump at that chance. But no, "the ex should deal".

You have no idea how much I did my best to be involved - only to be actively pushed away at every turn. I’m tired from it all and yes, looking forward to the next chapter in my life - which I have essentially put on hold as DC were growing up. And unless you’ve actually experienced what it feels like to be nothing but a monthly check, you can step away from the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

And, again, if divorced, how do you make the choice about were they should live in the first situation? Here again, I feel like I was ostracized from their lives for nearly 18 years - very little but a monthly check, in reality - and really feel like it should be the ex who should deal with this kind of situation.

Has anyone had this experience? I'm asking from a parent's perspective.

You either tell the child yes, yes with conditions, or no. You aren't obligated to say yes. But your child isn't obligated to like it if you say no. It is as simple as that. Your child's other parent can also say yes or no. I feel like it is unclear what you are actually asking. Nobody has to deal with this situation, because the child is 18. It is entirely optional. You can try to have a closer and more supportive relationship, or a more distant one with strong boundaries can be your goal. It is up to you.

Thank you, pp, this answer is actually helpful.

I wonder if your attitude that "the ex should deal" has any relationship to you being ostracized. It doesn't sound like you are a very involved or patient or supportive parent. This could be a chance to spend time with your child as an adult and get to know them. Some people would jump at that chance. But no, "the ex should deal".

You have no idea how much I did my best to be involved - only to be actively pushed away at every turn. I’m tired from it all and yes, looking forward to the next chapter in my life - which I have essentially put on hold as DC were growing up. And unless you’ve actually experienced what it feels like to be nothing but a monthly check, you can step away from the conversation.

Well why are you asking what other families do? Do what you want. Some people would see this as an opportunity to change the dynamic and rebuild the relationship. But if you don't want to you don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

And, again, if divorced, how do you make the choice about were they should live in the first situation? Here again, I feel like I was ostracized from their lives for nearly 18 years - very little but a monthly check, in reality - and really feel like it should be the ex who should deal with this kind of situation.

Has anyone had this experience? I'm asking from a parent's perspective.

You either tell the child yes, yes with conditions, or no. You aren't obligated to say yes. But your child isn't obligated to like it if you say no. It is as simple as that. Your child's other parent can also say yes or no. I feel like it is unclear what you are actually asking. Nobody has to deal with this situation, because the child is 18. It is entirely optional. You can try to have a closer and more supportive relationship, or a more distant one with strong boundaries can be your goal. It is up to you.

Thank you, pp, this answer is actually helpful.

I wonder if your attitude that "the ex should deal" has any relationship to you being ostracized. It doesn't sound like you are a very involved or patient or supportive parent. This could be a chance to spend time with your child as an adult and get to know them. Some people would jump at that chance. But no, "the ex should deal".

You have no idea how much I did my best to be involved - only to be actively pushed away at every turn. I’m tired from it all and yes, looking forward to the next chapter in my life - which I have essentially put on hold as DC were growing up. And unless you’ve actually experienced what it feels like to be nothing but a monthly check, you can step away from the conversation.

Well why are you asking what other families do? Do what you want. Some people would see this as an opportunity to change the dynamic and rebuild the relationship. But if you don't want to you don't have to.

Maybe I'm interested in hearing the thoughts of others who have been in/through the same situation. Maybe I'm struggling with how I feel, and what does or doesn't feel right. Did you ever think of that?