Divorced parents - how did you handle living arrangements after 18?

[Anonymous]

Did your child/children decide on their own? Did they continue along the lines of your previous custody agreement - or was it something different?

How did you make this decision?

We are heading in this direction in the next year and want to know how others have handled this.

[Anonymous]

After S1, my X decided he did not want to pay 1/2 of college tuition after all. It had nothing to do with DD’s grades or the school itself. He remarried. His new wife wanted fertility treatments (she was 43). He also took me back to court to have CS reduced for the much younger child.

DD lived with me after that. He was pretty pissed as he hoped to alternate years claiming her on taxes.

[Anonymous]

It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After S1, my X decided he did not want to pay 1/2 of college tuition after all. It had nothing to do with DD’s grades or the school itself. He remarried. His new wife wanted fertility treatments (she was 43). He also took me back to court to have CS reduced for the much younger child.

DD lived with me after that. He was pretty pissed as he hoped to alternate years claiming her on taxes.

Child support ends at age 18. Its appropriate to reduce it to calculate for the child turning 18. My husband's ex demanded more when some kids were over 18 and took him to court (he left it alone and paid just not to have to deal with her). Judge recalculated it to the youngest child.

What was your daughters relationship with Dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After S1, my X decided he did not want to pay 1/2 of college tuition after all. It had nothing to do with DD’s grades or the school itself. He remarried. His new wife wanted fertility treatments (she was 43). He also took me back to court to have CS reduced for the much younger child.

DD lived with me after that. He was pretty pissed as he hoped to alternate years claiming her on taxes.

Child support ends at age 18. Its appropriate to reduce it to calculate for the child turning 18. My husband's ex demanded more when some kids were over 18 and took him to court (he left it alone and paid just not to have to deal with her). Judge recalculated it to the youngest child.

What was your daughters relationship with Dad?

He sought to have CS reduced for the child that was still in ES. He stopped paying for the one that was a high school grad/college freshman the month she turned 18.

The not paying tuition thing in order to try to produce more children was pretty much the nail in the coffin. Then, his second wife ended up divorcing him so it was a total disaster on his part.

[Anonymous]

Well they'd already left for college by the time they turned 18, so it was kind of a non-issue. When they'd come back to visit they'd stay wherever they wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well they'd already left for college by the time they turned 18, so it was kind of a non-issue. When they'd come back to visit they'd stay wherever they wanted.

So they just got to choose which house they wanted to stay in, without any discussion about holiday breaks, summer breaks, etc? Was this the case for all four years of college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

Well, technically, they are an adult, so...

Is it only about the "child's" preference? I guess I'm interested in hearing how the parents managed these discussions/expectations.

[Anonymous]

My son moved in with his dad, even though they don't get along all that well. Eventually the ex's girlfriend and her daughter also over 18 moved in as well. DS knew that would make me sad but he said that we are too similar (and I don't challenge him enough.) But it was his decision, I'm fine with it and I see him every weekend for a visit walk or meal). He's staying with me this week. He is a neet, if you know what that is. Not sure all his dad's 'challenging' is doing him any good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

Well, technically, they are an adult, so...

Is it only about the "child's" preference? I guess I'm interested in hearing how the parents managed these discussions/expectations.

Well, if I had plans or preferences I would let my adult offspring know. In general I am happy to host them on breaks and am not using their room for anything specific. If they wanted to move in without a defined ending point that might require more though. I don't know what more you were expecting to hear. Are you trying to tell your offspring they can't stay with you? What is this about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

Well, technically, they are an adult, so...

Is it only about the "child's" preference? I guess I'm interested in hearing how the parents managed these discussions/expectations.

Well, if I had plans or preferences I would let my adult offspring know. In general I am happy to host them on breaks and am not using their room for anything specific. If they wanted to move in without a defined ending point that might require more though. I don't know what more you were expecting to hear. Are you trying to tell your offspring they can't stay with you? What is this about?

I am trying to assess how others have handled this. DC have always gravitated more towards ex, in addition to there being a history of alienation. If I am honest, given the history and dynamics, I think it would be best if DC lives with ex - and I'm not sure how I feel about keeping the 50/50 arrangement. Additionally, I want to start renovating my house, and prepping it to be a rental, and that would include a redo of DC's room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son moved in with his dad, even though they don't get along all that well. Eventually the ex's girlfriend and her daughter also over 18 moved in as well. DS knew that would make me sad but he said that we are too similar (and I don't challenge him enough.) But it was his decision, I'm fine with it and I see him every weekend for a visit walk or meal). He's staying with me this week. He is a neet, if you know what that is. Not sure all his dad's 'challenging' is doing him any good.

If by neet you are referring to a "not in education, employment or training", there is no way I would support that under my roof.

[Anonymous]

^I would doubt your child is interested in a 50/50 arrangement either at this point. I mean, remember back to when you were 18 and coming home for college breaks, would you want to shuffle back and forth between houses 50/50? Realistically when they come home from college for breaks they are probably going to want to spend a lot of time going out with their friends.

I would just talk to the child and see what their preferences are and have them coordinate with the other parent too. They could always stay at the other parents house and come see you or even meet up with you to go out to dinner or do an activity or whatever when the COVID stuff settles down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well they'd already left for college by the time they turned 18, so it was kind of a non-issue. When they'd come back to visit they'd stay wherever they wanted.

So they just got to choose which house they wanted to stay in, without any discussion about holiday breaks, summer breaks, etc? Was this the case for all four years of college?

Ye, they got to choose. There was discussion, but mostly them just saying "I am going to stay here for three days and then stay there for two and then can you take me to the airport," type of stuff. The kids all have keys - they're always welcome at either home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

Well, technically, they are an adult, so...

Is it only about the "child's" preference? I guess I'm interested in hearing how the parents managed these discussions/expectations.

Well, if I had plans or preferences I would let my adult offspring know. In general I am happy to host them on breaks and am not using their room for anything specific. If they wanted to move in without a defined ending point that might require more though. I don't know what more you were expecting to hear. Are you trying to tell your offspring they can't stay with you? What is this about?

I am trying to assess how others have handled this. DC have always gravitated more towards ex, in addition to there being a history of alienation. If I am honest, given the history and dynamics, I think it would be best if DC lives with ex - and I'm not sure how I feel about keeping the 50/50 arrangement. Additionally, I want to start renovating my house, and prepping it to be a rental, and that would include a redo of DC's room.

Seems like you do want to tell your adult child no. And that is fine in my view but may have relationship consequences. I don't think anyone can tell you there is a right answer or that your adult child will be okay with what you decide.