Divorced parents - how did you handle living arrangements after 18?

[Anonymous]

It's not entirely clear what your current situation is because you said 50/50 in one place and just a check in others which would imply limited visitation.

Assuming it is the latter, I think as a practical and a logistical matter it would be hard to go from little visitation to the child living with you full time. If the child wants to live with you full time after graduation it might make sense to increase the time they spend with you now so you're not going from almost nothing to full time all at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not entirely clear what your current situation is because you said 50/50 in one place and just a check in others which would imply limited visitation.

Assuming it is the latter, I think as a practical and a logistical matter it would be hard to go from little visitation to the child living with you full time. If the child wants to live with you full time after graduation it might make sense to increase the time they spend with you now so you're not going from almost nothing to full time all at once.

No - you are confusing my op with other posts. My DC are 50/50 - always have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once my kid started driving he pretty much decided where he’d be. Which was with my 90% of the time when he was in high school. Now that he’s in college he stays where he likes on breaks but he’s been keeping it mostly 50/50. But again, his choice. Door is always open for him at either house and no one gets butthurt by whatever decision he makes.

Honestly OP a relationship with an adult child is so different than when they’re younger. It’s amazingly fulfilling. Sounds like you have a lot of resentment with how you were portrayed when your child was growing up but you have to keep in mind that they were a child, they didn’t have a say in how things went down. And they didn’t have insight into the full story. Don’t hold that against them.

Thanks, pp. I appreciate your POV.

I understand that they were just a kid, and possibly being manipulated by my ex. I don't want to hold it against them - but we just aren't on the same page, and it's been like that for too long. I'm just ready for a break, and 18 seems like a natural separation point.

I'm not saying that I don't want a relationship, or that I don't want to support them. I have funds set aside to help for college, etc. Yes, there would be some expectations/conditions attached, but as another pp suggested, I don't think that's a bad thing. They are going to be an adult within the year. The world in general comes with expectations. Me just blindly supporting them with no discussion about choices, consequences, return on investment, etc. doesn't seem to me like good parenting. I want to teach them to think through their options. I want to see them become a productive member of society.

But I have no interest in continuing to have the battles we are having at present for longer than necessary, and just think it would be best for all of us if we did not live under the same roof moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if they're still in high school, in which case my preference would be to keep everything the same until they graduate. If they are in college or working, commute should be taken into consideration.

In reality it depends on the child's preference, because it's very very hard to force them into something they are opposed to. So how much do they like/dislike each house and the people in it and the rules and their circumstances there (like, do they have their own room). In my case, DD chose to live mainly with me because I am single and have a dog and a car for her to use. Her father's house is full of little kids and always noisy and chaotic. But another child might have preferred that atmosphere. It just depends.

Well, technically, they are an adult, so...

Is it only about the "child's" preference? I guess I'm interested in hearing how the parents managed these discussions/expectations.

Well, if I had plans or preferences I would let my adult offspring know. In general I am happy to host them on breaks and am not using their room for anything specific. If they wanted to move in without a defined ending point that might require more though. I don't know what more you were expecting to hear. Are you trying to tell your offspring they can't stay with you? What is this about?

I am trying to assess how others have handled this. DC have always gravitated more towards ex, in addition to there being a history of alienation. If I am honest, given the history and dynamics, I think it would be best if DC lives with ex - and I'm not sure how I feel about keeping the 50/50 arrangement. Additionally, I want to start renovating my house, and prepping it to be a rental, and that would include a redo of DC's room.

Seems like you do want to tell your adult child no. And that is fine in my view but may have relationship consequences. I don't think anyone can tell you there is a right answer or that your adult child will be okay with what you decide.

Well, the relationship is already compromised. And isn't it a bit of an entitled stance, to think that you just "get" to live in your parent's home? I was expected to move out and make a life of my own at 18.

Now we get to the heart of the matter. I am 50 and am welcome in my parents' homes at any time. Just tell your child to go stay with their other parent and stop pretending you care.

[Anonymous]

Many never live at home again after they leave for college due to summer internships. Then they get a job in a different state far away, so it they visit for holidays and plan to see both while there. Never more than a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once my kid started driving he pretty much decided where he’d be. Which was with my 90% of the time when he was in high school. Now that he’s in college he stays where he likes on breaks but he’s been keeping it mostly 50/50. But again, his choice. Door is always open for him at either house and no one gets butthurt by whatever decision he makes.

Honestly OP a relationship with an adult child is so different than when they’re younger. It’s amazingly fulfilling. Sounds like you have a lot of resentment with how you were portrayed when your child was growing up but you have to keep in mind that they were a child, they didn’t have a say in how things went down. And they didn’t have insight into the full story. Don’t hold that against them.

Thanks, pp. I appreciate your POV.

I understand that they were just a kid, and possibly being manipulated by my ex. I don't want to hold it against them - but we just aren't on the same page, and it's been like that for too long. I'm just ready for a break, and 18 seems like a natural separation point.

I'm not saying that I don't want a relationship, or that I don't want to support them. I have funds set aside to help for college, etc. Yes, there would be some expectations/conditions attached, but as another pp suggested, I don't think that's a bad thing. They are going to be an adult within the year. The world in general comes with expectations. Me just blindly supporting them with no discussion about choices, consequences, return on investment, etc. doesn't seem to me like good parenting. I want to teach them to think through their options. I want to see them become a productive member of society.

But I have no interest in continuing to have the battles we are having at present for longer than necessary, and just think it would be best for all of us if we did not live under the same roof moving forward.

You should google the term "destroying the nest." Even in situations where there is no family trauma, the messed up relationships during a child's last year at home are actually a normal part of development and getting ready to launch. The relationship does get better after that, so try not to burn those apron strings entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. If your child is moving back in because of a trauma or problem, or is pregnant, or is a NEET, that is one thing because the parent is having to take on a challenging situation with no clear end. If it is a summer break or a semester distance learning due to covid, that is different. If it is just about holiday breaks from college, why not do 50/50, it's just a few weeks so what is the big deal? The way you phrase it as "after turning 18" would capture a lot of high school seniors and I doubt anyone is tossing their child out on their birthday.

And, again, if divorced, how do you make the choice about were they should live in the first situation? Here again, I feel like I was ostracized from their lives for nearly 18 years - very little but a monthly check, in reality - and really feel like it should be the ex who should deal with this kind of situation.

Has anyone had this experience? I'm asking from a parent's perspective.

You are the parent here, the onus is/was on you to strive to have a relationship with the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once my kid started driving he pretty much decided where he’d be. Which was with my 90% of the time when he was in high school. Now that he’s in college he stays where he likes on breaks but he’s been keeping it mostly 50/50. But again, his choice. Door is always open for him at either house and no one gets butthurt by whatever decision he makes.

Honestly OP a relationship with an adult child is so different than when they’re younger. It’s amazingly fulfilling. Sounds like you have a lot of resentment with how you were portrayed when your child was growing up but you have to keep in mind that they were a child, they didn’t have a say in how things went down. And they didn’t have insight into the full story. Don’t hold that against them.

Its easy for you to say that when your child fully lived with you. How would you feel if you got 10%?

If I got 10% with teens, I’d know I must be a really deeply crappy parent in the eyes of the courts because even my crappy XH gets 35% on paper and he has a criminal record post-divorce.

[Anonymous]

My ds decided to stay at his dad’s. Its near where most of his friends live. It’s been hard not only to adjust to seeing his room go unused, but also not seeing him very much because of the pandemic. It is a slow realization that I’ve had to accept, we didn’t even discuss it, it just evolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well they'd already left for college by the time they turned 18, so it was kind of a non-issue. When they'd come back to visit they'd stay wherever they wanted.

Same over here. Our ds is at his dad's currently because he has more room over there. It ached a little at first, but I know it's not personal. At this point after so many years his dad and I are on decent terms and nobody's trying to get one over one anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once my kid started driving he pretty much decided where he’d be. Which was with my 90% of the time when he was in high school. Now that he’s in college he stays where he likes on breaks but he’s been keeping it mostly 50/50. But again, his choice. Door is always open for him at either house and no one gets butthurt by whatever decision he makes.

Honestly OP a relationship with an adult child is so different than when they’re younger. It’s amazingly fulfilling. Sounds like you have a lot of resentment with how you were portrayed when your child was growing up but you have to keep in mind that they were a child, they didn’t have a say in how things went down. And they didn’t have insight into the full story. Don’t hold that against them.

Thanks, pp. I appreciate your POV.

I understand that they were just a kid, and possibly being manipulated by my ex. I don't want to hold it against them - but we just aren't on the same page, and it's been like that for too long. I'm just ready for a break, and 18 seems like a natural separation point.

I'm not saying that I don't want a relationship, or that I don't want to support them. I have funds set aside to help for college, etc. Yes, there would be some expectations/conditions attached, but as another pp suggested, I don't think that's a bad thing. They are going to be an adult within the year. The world in general comes with expectations. Me just blindly supporting them with no discussion about choices, consequences, return on investment, etc. doesn't seem to me like good parenting. I want to teach them to think through their options. I want to see them become a productive member of society.

But I have no interest in continuing to have the battles we are having at present for longer than necessary, and just think it would be best for all of us if we did not live under the same roof moving forward.

Then tell him that. I think you are wanting to be “justified” or “right”- so yes, post-18, you are free to remodel their rooms and take advantage of that natural separation point. Depending on how ostracized you really are, that may or may not go over smoothly, and might lead to more bad feelings. But that’s the consequence we get of decisions we make, as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not entirely clear what your current situation is because you said 50/50 in one place and just a check in others which would imply limited visitation.

Assuming it is the latter, I think as a practical and a logistical matter it would be hard to go from little visitation to the child living with you full time. If the child wants to live with you full time after graduation it might make sense to increase the time they spend with you now so you're not going from almost nothing to full time all at once.

No - you are confusing my op with other posts. My DC are 50/50 - always have been.

Got it. I see you said in a subsequent post that there is a lot of conflict. I think it's worth you and the other parent having a discussion with the child about where they are going to live so that it's not a surprise in June when they graduate so they can make plans. As part of that discussion you could set conditions now that some of the conflicts have to be resolved.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you have 50/50 and child is coming to your house for their designated time, this is not alienation and just bad parenting on your ex's part. Alienation would be your child not coming at all. You sound really crappy that you just want to stop parenting at 18 and close the door. Be grateful you have your child 50/50 as many dad's don't get that much and want it. Don't get rid of child's room and kick them out. Who does that? Oh wait, you.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to talk this through with a counselor or something. Before you make emotional choices based on a warped perspective of the last 18 years that will also mess up the next 40. There's a lot of life left to live for both you and your DC, hopefully. You seem very eager to punish someone. Just make sure that someone isn't going to end up being you in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well they'd already left for college by the time they turned 18, so it was kind of a non-issue. When they'd come back to visit they'd stay wherever they wanted.

So they just got to choose which house they wanted to stay in, without any discussion about holiday breaks, summer breaks, etc? Was this the case for all four years of college?

That’s how we did it when I was in college. I just asked one of my parents if it was okay for me to be at their house over break and then told the other parent where I would be.

+1

When I was in college, I did the same. I usually spent some time with each over the summer. Christmas was with my mom, but then I’d visit my dad right after for a week or two. It worked out. I decided all of it. My parents were accommodating