Coming to terms with my father dying in isolation from covid

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well if he was sounding good and wasn't being overly cautious in general, he may not have felt nervous about his future and was not expecting to pass. Perhaps he wasn't lonely.

Actually when I talked to him he was telling me the food sucked there haha. He was so spoiled with my moms gourmet cooking. But as the conversation continued I could hear the worry in his voice and his last words were, “keep me in your thoughts sweetheart” and mine, “I will dad, I love you”. That gives me a tiny bit of peace.

[Anonymous]

My dad died alone and scared with Covid in April. We weren’t allowed visits and we were separated for the three weeks he was dying. It was terrible, and my mother was ripped apart with guilt the way you are. I felt a little less terrible, since my dad was a really kind and scientific man and he knew what was needed in a pandemic - I hope his knowledge that he was making a sacrifice for public health helped him through. He was too sick to use a phone so we won’t ever know.

In any case, a relative wrote a note after Dad died that helped tremendously. His own dad had tied after a long and terrible illness. He wrote that it is important to remember that our lives are not defined by our deaths. We are more than our last days, weeks, or years. We are the totality of our lives, and the suffering at the end is just one small moment of the good and bad in our lives. It helped me remember my dad in his entirety, his long and wonderful life. He was more than his death, and so was your dad. Give it time, and you will begin to remember him as a full man, too, and not just the suffering at the end. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

There are no good deaths OP, believe me. I lost my mom to cancer, well before her time, and my dad to Alzheimers, after a brutal degeneration of his mental and physical capabilities. I'm always a little surprised when people presume it's easier simply because you had some foreknowledge. I think about my mom losing most of her last decade to the suffering of chemo, or my dad in such agonizing condition unable to speak or take care of his basic needs - I would much rather that they had not endured so much before they died. I would have given anything to have grandparents in my children's lives, and to have enabled them to have even a few good years enjoying their retirements and life as grandparents.

But I realize the alternatives are no better either. My SIL lost her dad to Parkinsons at the beginning of the COVID lockdown and her grief has absolutely been magnified by the fact that she was not able to be with him in his final days. Be kind to yourself and know that the most important thing is that you loved your father when he was here with you.

[Anonymous]

A family member died of Covid half a week after diagnosis. Did all the precautions. We don’t feel any better than you do.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry OP. I agree that the way COVID protocols are its really sad for the patients that end up dying.

I've only lost really young friends - one in a car accident on a trip with me (but I wasn't in the car) and another to colon cancer.

Some upsetting things happened with my friend in the car accident. I felt her parents didn't know her wishes well, BUT I told myself, stop. Things that happen after someone dies is for the living. Her family needed closure, I needed closure or comfort. We have to be ok.

So whatever you need to feel ok, do it. Your Dad would want that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss.

But if he was cognizant enough to wonder why he was alone, I think he would be cognizant enough to understand why you could not be there. I think the hospital probably told him what the rule was and I think he probably understood that you would have liked to be there but could not. These rules are in place for a reason, because people need to stay away from their loved ones who have Covid, but most people cannot make that decision to do that unless they were barred from going in. I think he probably understood.

I posted this. Also, both of my parents have dementia. It is awful. No, you would not want your parent to die after years of dementia. It is awful.

OP here. I’m so sorry for your parents. I just feel if he didn’t have any understanding of what was going on I would be in a better place. I’m so mad at myself for not getting some scrubs and sneaking into the hospital even risking getting arrested to see my dad for one last time to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him for just one last minute. I wouldn’t care if I had to spend a week in jail! cry:

I can’t imagine your dad would have wanted that for you. I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t. And I do imagine he understood the Covid regulations.

But I’m so sorry for your pain, and your loss.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about your dads case, but I do work in a hospital and I know that if they are intubated, they are sedated so they don't accidentally pull out the tube. This may not help you, but it's likely he wasn't conscious throughout his last days and wondering where his family was. He was probably very peaceful and in a dreamlike state.

[Anonymous]

Op I hope I can give you some sense of peace from both sides. My dad died unexpectedly this summer. He went to the hospital with what we thought was dehydration (common with a medical condition he had) and my mom wasn't allowed inside due to Covid (he did not have it). We got a call 2 hours later saying he wasn't doing well and they were not sure why but were trying X, Y, and Z. The doctor told my mom (I was with her) that he wasn't awake and couldn't form words but was moaning. He told us to get to the hospital ASAP but he had passed by the time we got there 35 min later. I still struggle knowing he died alone when he would have at least had my mom under normal times. I struggle with wondering if he was scared or in pain.

Now from the other side. I'm a nurse and have been working with Covid patients. We almost always know when they are going to pass. I, along with many of my coworkers, have held many hands during those last minutes giving them peace and companionship. We remind them how much their family has loved them (we have usually gotten to know the family by that time) and what a wonderful life they've had. We may talk about pets that are waiting for them. Or other family members (several of sobbed while telling one elderly man his wife was waiting for him as she had passed the week before). We know we aren't a substitution for family, but we try to make the passing as peaceful as possible. They know how much they are loved.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It's normal to be angry or struggling to come to terms. Therapy can help. Writing down your feelings can help. Finding an online support group can help. I hope you and your family are able to find peace as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I hope I can give you some sense of peace from both sides. My dad died unexpectedly this summer. He went to the hospital with what we thought was dehydration (common with a medical condition he had) and my mom wasn't allowed inside due to Covid (he did not have it). We got a call 2 hours later saying he wasn't doing well and they were not sure why but were trying X, Y, and Z. The doctor told my mom (I was with her) that he wasn't awake and couldn't form words but was moaning. He told us to get to the hospital ASAP but he had passed by the time we got there 35 min later. I still struggle knowing he died alone when he would have at least had my mom under normal times. I struggle with wondering if he was scared or in pain.

Now from the other side. I'm a nurse and have been working with Covid patients. We almost always know when they are going to pass. I, along with many of my coworkers, have held many hands during those last minutes giving them peace and companionship. We remind them how much their family has loved them (we have usually gotten to know the family by that time) and what a wonderful life they've had. We may talk about pets that are waiting for them. Or other family members (several of sobbed while telling one elderly man his wife was waiting for him as she had passed the week before). We know we aren't a substitution for family, but we try to make the passing as peaceful as possible. They know how much they are loved.


I am nearly certain that I was not the only person deeply moved by your sharing these stories. Thank you. May your acts of humanity and compassion return to you and your family tenfold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I hope I can give you some sense of peace from both sides. My dad died unexpectedly this summer. He went to the hospital with what we thought was dehydration (common with a medical condition he had) and my mom wasn't allowed inside due to Covid (he did not have it). We got a call 2 hours later saying he wasn't doing well and they were not sure why but were trying X, Y, and Z. The doctor told my mom (I was with her) that he wasn't awake and couldn't form words but was moaning. He told us to get to the hospital ASAP but he had passed by the time we got there 35 min later. I still struggle knowing he died alone when he would have at least had my mom under normal times. I struggle with wondering if he was scared or in pain.

Now from the other side. I'm a nurse and have been working with Covid patients. We almost always know when they are going to pass. I, along with many of my coworkers, have held many hands during those last minutes giving them peace and companionship. We remind them how much their family has loved them (we have usually gotten to know the family by that time) and what a wonderful life they've had. We may talk about pets that are waiting for them. Or other family members (several of sobbed while telling one elderly man his wife was waiting for him as she had passed the week before). We know we aren't a substitution for family, but we try to make the passing as peaceful as possible. They know how much they are loved.


I am nearly certain that I was not the only person deeply moved by your sharing these stories. Thank you. May your acts of humanity and compassion return to you and your family tenfold.

Pp here. Thank you that was very very kind of you. I think in our way, when we've done what we can and still not going to get a favorable outcome, doing one last thing for the patient is what keeps us sane (ish). We may not have been able to keep the patient alive, but hopefully we made the end less scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. [b]I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a process -- a therapist can help you along -- but it's not the therapist's job to say anything that would make you feel better. I'm thinking you haven't lost anyone in your life? This is a tough first. I don't think how someone dies changes the pain of your grief. I know a woman whose mother was in a horrible car accident. My friend struggled with the fact that her mother died alone on a highway. (Unfortunately they read the autopsy report -- that said she didn't die instantly). My own mother died a slow and gentle death -- but watching her slip away for a few years was very difficult.

Grief is hard and it is different for everyone. It's not a competition. Good luck....... be kind to yourself ..... the holidays can be especially painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. [b]I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a process -- a therapist can help you along -- but it's not the therapist's job to say anything that would make you feel better. I'm thinking you haven't lost anyone in your life? This is a tough first. I don't think how someone dies changes the pain of your grief. I know a woman whose mother was in a horrible car accident. My friend struggled with the fact that her mother died alone on a highway. (Unfortunately they read the autopsy report -- that said she didn't die instantly). My own mother died a slow and gentle death -- but watching her slip away for a few years was very difficult.

Grief is hard and it is different for everyone. It's not a competition. Good luck....... be kind to yourself ..... the holidays can be especially painful.

My parent's deaths mirror that of your DH's (one died out of the blue, the other is dying of Alzheimer's) and I have to say having a parent die of COVID sounds much better to me. You at least have a chance to tell them you love them and discuss anything else that must be said. Yes, it is hard that they are alone, but when parents die suddenly they die alone too and without any medical care so it is possible they were in pain with no help. And Alzheimer's is really the worst of the worst. I am not telling you this to try to make it a contest of who has it worse - but more to say that there is a lot of "grass is always greener" when it comes to what is an easier/harder death and the truth is that they all suck. It really does sound like you would benefit from talking to a grief counselor. You may be at increased risk of complex grief, which is an actual clinical thing (https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/professionals/complicated-grief-professionals/diagnosis/). Failing that, you may find some comfort in the website Modern Loss https://modernloss.com/

[Anonymous]

I've been grieving my mom, who had cancer but died suddenly a little over a year ago. My circumstances were different than yours, but as others have said, still very painful. COVID has been very triggering for me because of how my mom died (cancer overtook her lungs within a couple of days) Therapy and grief groups helped me. They don't make the loss better, or immediately less painful, but it is helpful to talk to others, to learn about grief, and honestly to have someone to check in with who I trusted would let me know if I needed to consider medication.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry Op. My dad ie earlier this year, and not being able to be with him in the hospital was terrible, we were fortunate he got to be home on hospice his last few days. I am so sorry. All of this is just so terrible. Hugs.