Coming to terms with my father dying in isolation from covid

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for you loss, its awful and extremely painful.

Please don't feel like your dad wouldn't have known why no one was there. The medical staff and nurses are brilliant and they would have explained this to him over and over. In saying that I get it doesn't make it any easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died alone and scared with Covid in April. We weren’t allowed visits and we were separated for the three weeks he was dying. It was terrible, and my mother was ripped apart with guilt the way you are. I felt a little less terrible, since my dad was a really kind and scientific man and he knew what was needed in a pandemic - I hope his knowledge that he was making a sacrifice for public health helped him through. He was too sick to use a phone so we won’t ever know.

In any case, a relative wrote a note after Dad died that helped tremendously. His own dad had tied after a long and terrible illness. He wrote that it is important to remember that our lives are not defined by our deaths. We are more than our last days, weeks, or years. We are the totality of our lives, and the suffering at the end is just one small moment of the good and bad in our lives. It helped me remember my dad in his entirety, his long and wonderful life. He was more than his death, and so was your dad. Give it time, and you will begin to remember him as a full man, too, and not just the suffering at the end. Best wishes.

Reminds of the poem said at my grandfathers funeral years ago. The Dash Poem. This part has stuck with ever since.
I read of a man who stood to speak at a funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning… to the end.
He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.

There is more but sometimes you forget that yes the dash is the important part.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

If it helps to think about at all, your father is not feeling sad, worried, or lonely now.

It sounds like he had many people who loved him and who he loved. The time that he spent with your family during many years is far greater than the time he spent alone when he was ill. What he would have wanted is for you and the rest of your family to be happy, to love one another, and to live full lives.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I work in a hospital on the Covid wards. I want you to know that your dad was not alone! Every day I see the truly tender care of everyone on our staff going in and sitting at the bedsides, holding people’s hands (yes, we are all gloved, but patients are fine with that), playing music for patients, turning the TV on so that the channel with nature scenes and music is playing. Our Covid patients are not alone at all. We talk to them and listen to them. Our doctors have gotten good at making sure they are not in pain at all and not uncomfortable. There is a lot of attention to detail. The doctors are in the rooms having conversation and doing exams etc. It is heartbreaking for the staff that the patients are not allowed to have family. It is heartbreaking for the families. But the patients themselves handle this and take it in stride and are focused on getting better. Many are shocked that they have Covid, but they adjust and want to know what they can do. If they are dying, they are mostly not aware of the bigger picture and do not have the cognitive capabilities at the end to feel the feelings or think the thoughts that the families are feeling/thinking. Someone mentioned this upthread and it’s true, especially with a disease that causes hypoxia. The patients still have us with them, but are less aware of their surroundings. We talk to them and remind them that they are loved and that their family loves them and everyone is praying for them and sending love to them. I say this out loud over and over to them as do the other staff. They are reassured and comforted emotionally. If they are on a ventilator, then they are comfortably and peacefully unaware and are not at all concerned about their surroundings. We have some traveling nurses now in our wards who have been working in overwhelmed hospitals for the whole pandemic. They are doing these same things to comfort patients and saying these same reassuring words. Everywhere this is what is happening. We all know how hard it is for families to be separated and want to make it easier. From my experience it is much harder on the family than the patient who is actually dying.

You can find out who the nurse and doctor were that were on when he died and who took care of him in the days prior to that. Call the hospital chaplain and they will be helpful to you and can help you get that information. You can talk directly to the nurse and find out more. The chaplains can be reached by calling the hospital switchboard and asking for them. You do not have to be “religious” to talk with them. They are your advocates and good emotional support. They can arrange a call with the nurse or doctor, or ask for whatever you want to know. Hearing directly from the nurses may help you. It might help you to meet them at some point so that you can put a face to it. Perhaps the chaplain can FaceTime a short call between the two of you.

I often will describe the scene in the room to a family member over the phone. They are always so glad to hear that things are not what they imagined. They often watch scenes on TV and picture the worst. As someone said upthread, families who are able to come into the hospital will find that things are less isolating than they imagined. Patients have always complained that they never get a moment’s rest in the hospital, and it’s still true. Our Covid patients have a steady stream of people in their rooms (doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and others). They are truly not alone. Everyone is talking to and listening to them.

Google “disenfranchised grief.” This may help explain why these deaths are more difficult than many other types of death and you may need a bereavement counselor to assist in processing this.

I totally understand the desire to just come into the hospital even if it leads to arrest! The Covid protocol is in place because so many of our Covid patients have close relatives who are simultaneously Covid-positive. Many could be asymptomatic if they are walking around the hospital and would be spreading Covid. It is also due to the acute shortage of PPE. All of my PPE except my gloves is reusable and cleaned with alcohol spray between uses. I also share it with others because there isn’t enough for me to have my own. I do not have access to a fitted N95. So these are some of the reasons. We have security at the doors to enforce this. I so wish it were otherwise!

May peace and light come your way during this dark time, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I work in a hospital on the Covid wards. I want you to know that your dad was not alone! Every day I see the truly tender care of everyone on our staff going in and sitting at the bedsides, holding people’s hands (yes, we are all gloved, but patients are fine with that), playing music for patients, turning the TV on so that the channel with nature scenes and music is playing. Our Covid patients are not alone at all. We talk to them and listen to them. Our doctors have gotten good at making sure they are not in pain at all and not uncomfortable. There is a lot of attention to detail. The doctors are in the rooms having conversation and doing exams etc. It is heartbreaking for the staff that the patients are not allowed to have family. It is heartbreaking for the families. But the patients themselves handle this and take it in stride and are focused on getting better. Many are shocked that they have Covid, but they adjust and want to know what they can do. If they are dying, they are mostly not aware of the bigger picture and do not have the cognitive capabilities at the end to feel the feelings or think the thoughts that the families are feeling/thinking. Someone mentioned this upthread and it’s true, especially with a disease that causes hypoxia. The patients still have us with them, but are less aware of their surroundings. We talk to them and remind them that they are loved and that their family loves them and everyone is praying for them and sending love to them. I say this out loud over and over to them as do the other staff. They are reassured and comforted emotionally. If they are on a ventilator, then they are comfortably and peacefully unaware and are not at all concerned about their surroundings. We have some traveling nurses now in our wards who have been working in overwhelmed hospitals for the whole pandemic. They are doing these same things to comfort patients and saying these same reassuring words. Everywhere this is what is happening. We all know how hard it is for families to be separated and want to make it easier. From my experience it is much harder on the family than the patient who is actually dying.

You can find out who the nurse and doctor were that were on when he died and who took care of him in the days prior to that. Call the hospital chaplain and they will be helpful to you and can help you get that information. You can talk directly to the nurse and find out more. The chaplains can be reached by calling the hospital switchboard and asking for them. You do not have to be “religious” to talk with them. They are your advocates and good emotional support. They can arrange a call with the nurse or doctor, or ask for whatever you want to know. Hearing directly from the nurses may help you. It might help you to meet them at some point so that you can put a face to it. Perhaps the chaplain can FaceTime a short call between the two of you.

I often will describe the scene in the room to a family member over the phone. They are always so glad to hear that things are not what they imagined. They often watch scenes on TV and picture the worst. As someone said upthread, families who are able to come into the hospital will find that things are less isolating than they imagined. Patients have always complained that they never get a moment’s rest in the hospital, and it’s still true. Our Covid patients have a steady stream of people in their rooms (doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and others). They are truly not alone. Everyone is talking to and listening to them.

Google “disenfranchised grief.” This may help explain why these deaths are more difficult than many other types of death and you may need a bereavement counselor to assist in processing this.

I totally understand the desire to just come into the hospital even if it leads to arrest! The Covid protocol is in place because so many of our Covid patients have close relatives who are simultaneously Covid-positive. Many could be asymptomatic if they are walking around the hospital and would be spreading Covid. It is also due to the acute shortage of PPE. All of my PPE except my gloves is reusable and cleaned with alcohol spray between uses. I also share it with others because there isn’t enough for me to have my own. I do not have access to a fitted N95. So these are some of the reasons. We have security at the doors to enforce this. I so wish it were otherwise!

May peace and light come your way during this dark time, OP.

DP here, I just wanted to say thank you for this.

Thank you for being there. For your sacrifices.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I work in a hospital on the Covid wards. I want you to know that your dad was not alone! Every day I see the truly tender care of everyone on our staff going in and sitting at the bedsides, holding people’s hands (yes, we are all gloved, but patients are fine with that), playing music for patients, turning the TV on so that the channel with nature scenes and music is playing. Our Covid patients are not alone at all. We talk to them and listen to them. Our doctors have gotten good at making sure they are not in pain at all and not uncomfortable. There is a lot of attention to detail. The doctors are in the rooms having conversation and doing exams etc. It is heartbreaking for the staff that the patients are not allowed to have family. It is heartbreaking for the families. But the patients themselves handle this and take it in stride and are focused on getting better. Many are shocked that they have Covid, but they adjust and want to know what they can do. If they are dying, they are mostly not aware of the bigger picture and do not have the cognitive capabilities at the end to feel the feelings or think the thoughts that the families are feeling/thinking. Someone mentioned this upthread and it’s true, especially with a disease that causes hypoxia. The patients still have us with them, but are less aware of their surroundings. We talk to them and remind them that they are loved and that their family loves them and everyone is praying for them and sending love to them. I say this out loud over and over to them as do the other staff. They are reassured and comforted emotionally. If they are on a ventilator, then they are comfortably and peacefully unaware and are not at all concerned about their surroundings. We have some traveling nurses now in our wards who have been working in overwhelmed hospitals for the whole pandemic. They are doing these same things to comfort patients and saying these same reassuring words. Everywhere this is what is happening. We all know how hard it is for families to be separated and want to make it easier. From my experience it is much harder on the family than the patient who is actually dying.

You can find out who the nurse and doctor were that were on when he died and who took care of him in the days prior to that. Call the hospital chaplain and they will be helpful to you and can help you get that information. You can talk directly to the nurse and find out more. The chaplains can be reached by calling the hospital switchboard and asking for them. You do not have to be “religious” to talk with them. They are your advocates and good emotional support. They can arrange a call with the nurse or doctor, or ask for whatever you want to know. Hearing directly from the nurses may help you. It might help you to meet them at some point so that you can put a face to it. Perhaps the chaplain can FaceTime a short call between the two of you.

I often will describe the scene in the room to a family member over the phone. They are always so glad to hear that things are not what they imagined. They often watch scenes on TV and picture the worst. As someone said upthread, families who are able to come into the hospital will find that things are less isolating than they imagined. Patients have always complained that they never get a moment’s rest in the hospital, and it’s still true. Our Covid patients have a steady stream of people in their rooms (doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and others). They are truly not alone. Everyone is talking to and listening to them.

Google “disenfranchised grief.” This may help explain why these deaths are more difficult than many other types of death and you may need a bereavement counselor to assist in processing this.

I totally understand the desire to just come into the hospital even if it leads to arrest! The Covid protocol is in place because so many of our Covid patients have close relatives who are simultaneously Covid-positive. Many could be asymptomatic if they are walking around the hospital and would be spreading Covid. It is also due to the acute shortage of PPE. All of my PPE except my gloves is reusable and cleaned with alcohol spray between uses. I also share it with others because there isn’t enough for me to have my own. I do not have access to a fitted N95. So these are some of the reasons. We have security at the doors to enforce this. I so wish it were otherwise!

May peace and light come your way during this dark time, OP.

OP here.. ty so much... I know after ventilation he was pretty much out of it the last few weeks. I just wish they let me see him the first week he was in the hospital with just the oxygen supplement. There are so many things I wanted to tell him that I never got a chance to tell him. I can only imagine seeing his face light up seeing me and maybe help him fight this damn virus.

[Anonymous]

Sending prayers and thoughts to you OP and all PPs who have been going through this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

Yes, you would.

There is no way around the fact that in the ways DH lost his parents, he also didnt get to say goodbye. Not being able to say goodbye and not being able to know much about the actual experience of the person who died creates an added torment to the loss.

[Anonymous]

People can die in only one way.

Not to diminish your loss, I lost mine when I was a teenager and my sibling even younger. I mourn him even after decades because his life was cut short and he didn't get to see his kids grow and I mourn for us that were forever changed as kids do who face a sudden trauma as we did. But I am sure you feel the same loss as I do, not more not less.

Losing a parent is harsh and painful. Take care of yourself and your family. Find support and see a therapist. They will not take your pain away but help you in finding ways to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

As a father, I have conditioned my kids since they were very young that no matter what the circumstances of my eventual death, I don't need them by my side at the end.

Of course I would prefer it, but they know that I know that we love each other as much as we can and that very frequently people die without warning and are alone. It's just reality.

OP- if you had a good relationship with your Dad I'd wager mightily that he felt likewise and would not want you sick about this. I know I wouldn't.

Plus- here's the other thing about being a Dad. It is our job to take the suck. We can handle it. I promise.

[Anonymous]

My FIL was kind and caring, and he had a good death, he fought cancer for 18 months and then had a sharp decline over 2 weeks. We said goodbye and he said he'd made peace with it. My dad and I are nearly estranged, though. I've tried to make up with him and he just only cares about himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL was kind and caring, and he had a good death, he fought cancer for 18 months and then had a sharp decline over 2 weeks. We said goodbye and he said he'd made peace with it. My dad and I are nearly estranged, though. I've tried to make up with him and he just only cares about himself.

My fathers recent death was very similar to this, but it honestly caught us by surprise. He was struggling but seemed to “be getting better” then the next day the doctors had the talk with us and he said he was ready to go. It this drastic decline typical? We are still left shell shocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a father, I have conditioned my kids since they were very young that no matter what the circumstances of my eventual death, I don't need them by my side at the end.

Of course I would prefer it, but they know that I know that we love each other as much as we can and that very frequently people die without warning and are alone. It's just reality.

OP- if you had a good relationship with your Dad I'd wager mightily that he felt likewise and would not want you sick about this. I know I wouldn't.

Plus- here's the other thing about being a Dad. It is our job to take the suck. We can handle it. I promise.

Thank you for this perspective. It is helpful and I see my Dad saying your last statement.