Coming to terms with my father dying in isolation from covid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

OP we had a recent death and I just cried and cried and cried to my therapist. Was helpful to me. I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, hugs from an internet stranger. I lost a loved one to COVID last week. About your dad's age. 2.5 weeks from waking up one day with a fever, to death.

Mercifully, I was allowed two bed-side visits. I realized then and now that those visits were a tremendous blessing. Before that, I hadn't seen her, and I was imagining all sorts of horrible scenarios. But during both my visits, my loved one was peaceful, calm, "with it" and aware, with no labored breathing/coughing, and not at all in distress. I was so relieved to see that. In fact, she looked so good that I thought she might actually pull through. But she died hours after my second visit.

You weren't able to see your dad and so of course you are imagining the worst, the way I was. Instead, I would like you to imagine the other possibility - that your dad went out the way my loved one did, peacefully, calmly, and just eventually drifting to sleep.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP sudden death of a parent is a mighty blow and it will take some time to get over. Be kind to yourself. Sending all good wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been about a month since my 79 yr old dad died from covid. He wasn’t practicing all the precautions he should’ve been especially being at high risk. Age, 40 lbs overweight etc.. He was shocked when he tested positive after he started feeling “weird”, he said. Hospital few days later, ventilation 5 days later, kidney failure 2 weeks later, died 3 weeks after entering the hospital. I talked to him the first few days in the hospital and he sounded fine and he didn’t seem too worried. My issue is I can’t come to terms with his death. I can’t stop thinking about how he must’ve been feeling laying there without being able to see us. His children, his wife of 60 yrs, grandchildren. It keeps going through my mind over and over of him laying there thinking about his family and wondering why none of us was there to hold his hand. It’s devastating each time I think about it and I just cry all the time. I almost wish he had Alzheimer’s or something so he wouldn’t have had a clue of what was going on. It’s so heartbreaking I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over the way he died in isolation.

You don't. I;m so sorry for your loss but you absolutely should never say this IRL. Because often these people die alone (its not always obvious when you will go once you enter a more "active dying period") and their families will have been gutted for anywhere from 5-15 years leading up to it. It leaves caregivers a shell of themselves.

I hope you find peace in your grief process and remember the times together.

[Anonymous]

OP, my sister is a pastor,many often works with sick, dying or traumatized people. She says that there is often a "twilight" state, without full awareness. There are states with dreams and hallucinations that have a way of making the experience easier for the patient. Even shock, she says, is a bit of a gift; the brain and the body simply won't tolerate a great deal of pain or even loneliness for very long. God designed it, she believes, to protect people from too much pain and suffering at the end.

This is why near-drowning victims report feeling at peace, even blissful. Near-frozen people say they felt warm and calm. People in horrible accidents say they floated out of their body.

I believe your dad must have been in twilight, or some in-between state. I hope it is helpful, in some way, to think that his brain and his body would have helped him through. And that now, there is no pain. I am so very sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss.

But if he was cognizant enough to wonder why he was alone, I think he would be cognizant enough to understand why you could not be there. I think the hospital probably told him what the rule was and I think he probably understood that you would have liked to be there but could not. These rules are in place for a reason, because people need to stay away from their loved ones who have Covid, but most people cannot make that decision to do that unless they were barred from going in. I think he probably understood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss.

But if he was cognizant enough to wonder why he was alone, I think he would be cognizant enough to understand why you could not be there. I think the hospital probably told him what the rule was and I think he probably understood that you would have liked to be there but could not. These rules are in place for a reason, because people need to stay away from their loved ones who have Covid, but most people cannot make that decision to do that unless they were barred from going in. I think he probably understood.

I posted this. Also, both of my parents have dementia. It is awful. No, you would not want your parent to die after years of dementia. It is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss.

But if he was cognizant enough to wonder why he was alone, I think he would be cognizant enough to understand why you could not be there. I think the hospital probably told him what the rule was and I think he probably understood that you would have liked to be there but could not. These rules are in place for a reason, because people need to stay away from their loved ones who have Covid, but most people cannot make that decision to do that unless they were barred from going in. I think he probably understood.

I posted this. Also, both of my parents have dementia. It is awful. No, you would not want your parent to die after years of dementia. It is awful.

OP here. I’m so sorry for your parents. I just feel if he didn’t have any understanding of what was going on I would be in a better place. I’m so mad at myself for not getting some scrubs and sneaking into the hospital even risking getting arrested to see my dad for one last time to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him for just one last minute. I wouldn’t care if I had to spend a week in jail! cry:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

OP any death of a parent is awful but dying slowly in a nursing home is pretty awful too.

Especially now, when many nursing homes aren’t allowing visitors. I’m certain that a lot of elderly people are dying from being in isolation.

[Anonymous]

My friend is going through this now—same thing, dad died of covid and she couldn’t say goodbye. She’s having a very rough time. I know she joined a support group of adults who are suffering similarly, maybe you could seek one out?

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry. My dad died alone and most likely scared, he was an alcoholic who wouldn't stop drinking and wasn't getting proper treatment. He bled out from esophageal varices and from the amount of bloody vomit in his room, he was conscious before he died.

I guess my only advice is to let yourself process things. I know it hurts, but I tried to avoid thinking about it and then the guilt, regret, and memories would sneak up on me at my weakest moments and I just couldn't handle it. I remember having to hide at work because I kept breaking down. I would have sleepless nights because I just kept thinking about how alone he probably felt and how I could have called or visited him before he died but I didn't.

Time and my husband are what finally helped me, but I really think if I had just let myself process things I would have avoided months of not feeling like myself. I got really good at burying all the thoughts and feelings to avoid dealing with them. I can see now (7 years later) how unhealthy that was. The more you think about something the easier it is to think about, it's really as simple as that. Find your support (husband, therapist, friends) and just talk it out as many times as it takes for it to not hurt as much.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your family OP. May he Rest In Peace
When you have these sad, negative thoughts, try to pivot to good thoughts.
He lived a healthy long 79 years. Your mom had him for 60 years of marriage. He got to know and have many good memories with his children and grandchildren. He lived a full, blessed life, and you were so lucky to have him so long.
Pull out photo albums and rejoice in all your memories with him.
My wise mom who is 70 recently said “I’ve lived a full life. It’s all bonus time from here”. “When it’s my time to go, it’s my time.” Don’t dwell on the few bad choices he made at the end of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

I am so sorry. It feels freaking awful.

Yeah, you would.

My relative died slowly of Alzheimer’s and it is like she died several times before her body died. That is its own special hell. It took years and we are all freaking exhausted afterward. So many ER visits and the rehab and PT and ICU and more ER. And so on.

Different relative died alone from non-virus and was alone until life support removed and that was hell, too. Had to say goodbye via video.

[Anonymous]

Well if he was sounding good and wasn't being overly cautious in general, he may not have felt nervous about his future and was not expecting to pass. Perhaps he wasn't lonely.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thank you all for the beautiful messages. I’ll get through this with my husbands support. He’s the only one who knows how devastated I am. I can’t act this way around my friends and especially my poor mom. She had his clothes removed but I noticed she still has his old spice and brut on her dresser.