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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here..  [b][b]I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better.[/b][b] [/b]My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated.  His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home.    I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated  if my dad died like either of his parents.   Would I?[/quote]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Grief is a process -- a therapist can help you along -- but it's not the therapist's job to say anything that would make you feel better.  I'm thinking you haven't lost anyone in your life?  This is a tough first.  I don't think how someone dies changes the pain of your grief.  I know a woman whose mother was in a horrible car accident.  My friend struggled with the fact that her mother died alone on a highway.  (Unfortunately they read the autopsy report -- that said she didn't die instantly).  My own mother died a slow and gentle death -- but watching her slip away for a few years was very difficult.

Grief is hard and it is different for everyone. It's not a competition.  Good luck.......  be kind to yourself ..... the holidays can be especially painful.
[/quote]

My parent's deaths mirror that of your DH's (one died out of the blue, the other is dying of Alzheimer's) and I have to say having a parent die of COVID sounds much better to me.  You at least have a chance to tell them you love them and discuss anything else that must be said.  Yes, it is hard that they are alone, but when parents die suddenly they die alone too and without any medical care so it is possible they were in pain with no help. And Alzheimer's is really the worst of the worst. I am not telling you this to try to make it a contest of who has it worse - but more to say that there is a lot of "grass is always greener" when it comes to what is an easier/harder death and the truth is that they all suck. It really does sound like you would benefit from talking to a grief counselor. You may be at increased risk of complex grief, which is an actual clinical thing (https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/professionals/complicated-grief-professionals/diagnosis/). Failing that, you may find some comfort in the website Modern Loss https://modernloss.com/[/quote]

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