Aging parents - is there an age when it’s all about them?

[Anonymous]

It the reverse of childhood. When we are children, it is all about us and so it is at the end of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your parents (aunts/uncles etc) get to an age where it was all about them? So they sat around always thinking and talking about their feelings, their dr appts, their daily tasks etc and just didn’t ask about you — or asked but in a very cursory/keep your answer short, kind of way? Do they do this with just you and your spouse or do they also barely ask about grandkids? Is there an age where you see this happening more?

My father has always been that way. But we used to call him out on it. Now, in his 70s, he’s liable to start weeping. In the last 5 years, he has called me on my birthday once. once. And that time was a coincidence because he wanted me to take something to him. He never even acknowledged it was my birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just described most baby boomers. This isn’t an age thing. They’ve always been like that.

My mom has maybe a 5 minute quota of interest in other people in any conversation. After that, it needs to be about her or she gets bored. Thankfully, when we’re on the phone I can just let her prattle on and I can do something else. She doesn’t even notice.

This exactly!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just described most baby boomers. This isn’t an age thing. They’ve always been like that.

My mom has maybe a 5 minute quota of interest in other people in any conversation. After that, it needs to be about her or she gets bored. Thankfully, when we’re on the phone I can just let her prattle on and I can do something else. She doesn’t even notice.

Generalize much? You are ignorant and ridiculous.

People now 80+ aren’t baby boomers. They are depression babies/silent generation.

[Anonymous]

I’ve known MIL since she was 50. It’s ALWAYS been about her. Even our wedding somehow managed to be all about her.

Now that FIL is retired, we get to hear extreme detail about dental appointments, weight loss, blood work, and electric car charging. It’s ... fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known MIL since she was 50. It’s ALWAYS been about her. Even our wedding somehow managed to be all about her.

Now that FIL is retired, we get to hear extreme detail about dental appointments, weight loss, blood work, and electric car charging. It’s ... fascinating.

+1

Selfishness gets worse with age.

[Anonymous]

This post is so enlightening. I've felt this way about my mother for several years now and can't say I recall her being quite so selfish and narcissistic when I was younger. My spouse thinks it's because we didn't have as much in common when I was younger as we do now that I'm also a mother etc. But I've felt like it's age or dementia or something.

You can't make a single statement to the woman without her framing it in her direct experiences. Like to the point where we just painted our kitchen and she was like "oh yeah, that's like what I painted [some part of her house]. Spoiler alert, it's not at all. Or "oh you just moved, well I'm buying new furniture too." These aren't the strongest examples but every single thing feels like a pissing match.

When does it become so hard for people to just say "oh yeah, that's really nice!" Or "great job" or something?

It's to the point where I don't even want to say anything because I'm too exhausted to deal. Like others have said, let her prattle on while I do something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is so enlightening. I've felt this way about my mother for several years now and can't say I recall her being quite so selfish and narcissistic when I was younger. My spouse thinks it's because we didn't have as much in common when I was younger as we do now that I'm also a mother etc. But I've felt like it's age or dementia or something.

You can't make a single statement to the woman without her framing it in her direct experiences. Like to the point where we just painted our kitchen and she was like "oh yeah, that's like what I painted [some part of her house]. Spoiler alert, it's not at all. Or "oh you just moved, well I'm buying new furniture too." These aren't the strongest examples but every single thing feels like a pissing match.

When does it become so hard for people to just say "oh yeah, that's really nice!" Or "great job" or something?

It's to the point where I don't even want to say anything because I'm too exhausted to deal. Like others have said, let her prattle on while I do something else.

My mom’s the same. There isn’t a trend that she didn’t invent before it started and I know not to bring up an accomplishment of my child’s or a home project because she’ll have to find a way to top it. I think my mom actually really was like this the entire time I was growing up, but I never noticed until I had kids and could see that she was competing for attention. When she was playing that game with me, I just thought that I was a bad kid or that everyone’s parents treated them like mine did. Having children makes it easier to see that behavior with some objectivity, especially because my friends now have their parents in town frequentltnto help with kids and I can see “normal” adult child-parent relationships.

[Anonymous]

I don't know which comes first, but I've found this phenomenon is directly correlated with the person's world getting smaller.

My parents are now retired and recently moved to a retirement home in a new town. They have no friends and limited hobbies. Every call is an endless litany of their upcoming doctors appointments, which are mostly for routine health screenings. I literally had a weekly countdown to my father's colonoscopy for 6 months. They're not even that old (late 60s), but their world is very, very small. They have no friends and go nowhere. They spent every moment of every day thinking about themselves.

My in laws, by contrast, are a few years older but are still active in the community. They volunteer, are members of a garden club and are part of a book club. They are fun to spend time with, as they share their lives with us and we share ours with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know which comes first, but I've found this phenomenon is directly correlated with the person's world getting smaller.

My parents are now retired and recently moved to a retirement home in a new town. They have no friends and limited hobbies. Every call is an endless litany of their upcoming doctors appointments, which are mostly for routine health screenings. I literally had a weekly countdown to my father's colonoscopy for 6 months. They're not even that old (late 60s), but their world is very, very small. They have no friends and go nowhere. They spent every moment of every day thinking about themselves.

My in laws, by contrast, are a few years older but are still active in the community. They volunteer, are members of a garden club and are part of a book club. They are fun to spend time with, as they share their lives with us and we share ours with them.

THIS. IDK how much is aging and how much is just removing oneself from the world. It gets to the point where the drs appointment IS the thing they "look forward to." I mean I've heard relatives says WEEKS in advance, oh my check up is coming up -- in a month and a half; oh now it's only a month away. Whereas when people are still working, it's just an annoying task you think of the week of or the day before when you're like -- oh yeah I'm going to be late to the office tomorrow. Now granted you can't work forever and at some point everyone retires, but the people who are either still working in their 70s tend not to be like this. Not because you'll discuss every detail of whatever they did at the office -- though I guess some do -- but more because they still interact with the world, with coworkers, commute, stop by someplace to get lunch and tell you they found a good lunch spot etc. And for retirees the ones who have stuff going on tend to not be like this -- whether it's hobby clubs or friends or travel or whatever, they have things to look forward to and they interact with the world in a way that still keeps them "involved" with how things are. The ones OP is describing are like PP says -- no hobbies or interests, so what's left to think about -- themselves and that means

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know which comes first, but I've found this phenomenon is directly correlated with the person's world getting smaller.

My parents are now retired and recently moved to a retirement home in a new town. They have no friends and limited hobbies. Every call is an endless litany of their upcoming doctors appointments, which are mostly for routine health screenings. I literally had a weekly countdown to my father's colonoscopy for 6 months. They're not even that old (late 60s), but their world is very, very small. They have no friends and go nowhere. They spent every moment of every day thinking about themselves.

My in laws, by contrast, are a few years older but are still active in the community. They volunteer, are members of a garden club and are part of a book club. They are fun to spend time with, as they share their lives with us and we share ours with them.

THIS. IDK how much is aging and how much is just removing oneself from the world. It gets to the point where the drs appointment IS the thing they "look forward to." I mean I've heard relatives says WEEKS in advance, oh my check up is coming up -- in a month and a half; oh now it's only a month away. Whereas when people are still working, it's just an annoying task you think of the week of or the day before when you're like -- oh yeah I'm going to be late to the office tomorrow. Now granted you can't work forever and at some point everyone retires, but the people who are either still working in their 70s tend not to be like this. Not because you'll discuss every detail of whatever they did at the office -- though I guess some do -- but more because they still interact with the world, with coworkers, commute, stop by someplace to get lunch and tell you they found a good lunch spot etc. And for retirees the ones who have stuff going on tend to not be like this -- whether it's hobby clubs or friends or travel or whatever, they have things to look forward to and they interact with the world in a way that still keeps them "involved" with how things are. The ones OP is describing are like PP says -- no hobbies or interests, so what's left to think about -- themselves and that means

Cut off the post-- and that means health health health, doctors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know which comes first, but I've found this phenomenon is directly correlated with the person's world getting smaller.

My parents are now retired and recently moved to a retirement home in a new town. They have no friends and limited hobbies. Every call is an endless litany of their upcoming doctors appointments, which are mostly for routine health screenings. I literally had a weekly countdown to my father's colonoscopy for 6 months. They're not even that old (late 60s), but their world is very, very small. They have no friends and go nowhere. They spent every moment of every day thinking about themselves.

My in laws, by contrast, are a few years older but are still active in the community. They volunteer, are members of a garden club and are part of a book club. They are fun to spend time with, as they share their lives with us and we share ours with them.

THIS. IDK how much is aging and how much is just removing oneself from the world. It gets to the point where the drs appointment IS the thing they "look forward to." I mean I've heard relatives says WEEKS in advance, oh my check up is coming up -- in a month and a half; oh now it's only a month away. Whereas when people are still working, it's just an annoying task you think of the week of or the day before when you're like -- oh yeah I'm going to be late to the office tomorrow. Now granted you can't work forever and at some point everyone retires, but the people who are either still working in their 70s tend not to be like this. Not because you'll discuss every detail of whatever they did at the office -- though I guess some do -- but more because they still interact with the world, with coworkers, commute, stop by someplace to get lunch and tell you they found a good lunch spot etc. And for retirees the ones who have stuff going on tend to not be like this -- whether it's hobby clubs or friends or travel or whatever, they have things to look forward to and they interact with the world in a way that still keeps them "involved" with how things are. The ones OP is describing are like PP says -- no hobbies or interests, so what's left to think about -- themselves and that means

Cut off the post-- and that means health health health, doctors.

I agree with both of you. Their worlds are getting smaller because their bodies are capable of doing less. Even my very fit and active parents in their 80s are not quite as up for doing what they did in their 50s as much as they want to. So they are slowing down and taking it easier, that also means that their scope of topics to talk about may get smaller. It is the cycle of life I think.

[Anonymous]

^But I do think the ones who just aren’t up for doing as much bc understandably they’re tired etc but still do SOMETHING are still better off than those who do nothing at all. Sure their world is smaller than it used to be and likely smaller than they like but it’s still not as small as those who have zero interest or involvement and then it’s about health.

[Anonymous]

It's really refreshing to read these responses, because I've been feeling this way about my folks and was worried it was just me.

Mine have honestly always been very self-absorbed, but it's getting worse lately. They are in their late 60's, and while I know not all Boomers are this way, they are stereotypical of their generation in that generally, things have gone their way and they've lived very charmed lives. Not saying they weren't smart or didn't work hard, but theirs was a path of far less resistance compared to others. They were charismatic and attractive as young people and got a lot of attention and praise for it.

Now they are getting older, their world is getting much smaller. Perhaps the downside of easily finding success and getting attention for things that are beyond your control is that you may not develop much character. They aren't very interesting people to talk to. They don't have much perspective or wisdom, and they really struggle with empathy. I've noticed that a number of their longtime friends have pulled back in years. Others have serious health problems, so my folks aren't getting as much socialization (and both had very socially-oriented careers). They were used to a very full social calendar and people always wanting to get together. Now (and also with Covid), that isn't happening.

They also have very few emotional coping skills, so every setback is major. They were always healthy and active when they were younger and seemingly thought they were invincible, so the physical limitations they are facing have come as a nasty surprise. For the first time in their lives, things are not going their way in a profound sense, so any time I speak with them, it's just a litany of challenges that they're apoplectic at having to face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just described most baby boomers. This isn’t an age thing. They’ve always been like that.

My mom has maybe a 5 minute quota of interest in other people in any conversation. After that, it needs to be about her or she gets bored. Thankfully, when we’re on the phone I can just let her prattle on and I can do something else. She doesn’t even notice.

Generalize much? You are ignorant and ridiculous.

People now 80+ aren’t baby boomers. They are depression babies/silent generation.

Mid-70s are the leading edge of Boomers.