Aging parents - is there an age when it’s all about them?

[Anonymous]

Did your parents (aunts/uncles etc) get to an age where it was all about them? So they sat around always thinking and talking about their feelings, their dr appts, their daily tasks etc and just didn’t ask about you — or asked but in a very cursory/keep your answer short, kind of way? Do they do this with just you and your spouse or do they also barely ask about grandkids? Is there an age where you see this happening more?

[Anonymous]

For my parents 80+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your parents (aunts/uncles etc) get to an age where it was all about them? So they sat around always thinking and talking about their feelings, their dr appts, their daily tasks etc and just didn’t ask about you — or asked but in a very cursory/keep your answer short, kind of way? Do they do this with just you and your spouse or do they also barely ask about grandkids? Is there an age where you see this happening more?

Do you resent this and think their lives should revolve around you?

[Anonymous]

This is very common in many older people. As they age they become increasingly self-absorbed. Some of my elderly relatives will talk about nothing other than their myriad ailments, real and imaginary.

[Anonymous]

My dad has always been this way and it started getting much worse in his 60s. He's in his 70s now and he is like a small child in terms of his sense of the world. No understanding of the idea that people have lives or problems that are unconnected to him. He's a pretty classic narcissist though, and like I said, has always been this way. He's actually easier to handle now in many ways because he used to get very angry when everything didn't revolve around him, and also violent. Now he just gets confused and hurt. It's much easier to manage.

My mother has been enabling him for my whole life, but she grew a backbone recently. I'm happy for her, but less so for me and my siblings because this largely just means that we are now expected to cater to their divergent needs, instead of everyone just catering to my dad. It's pretty exhausting.

I very much wish they'd both had better parents and/or a lot of therapy in their 20s/30s. But now it's baked in and we just have to ride it out. Antidepressants have helped make them both a little easier.

[Anonymous]

For my parents it was in their early 80s.

When I could not come visit them because I had the flu, they became furious and accused me of lying. It was very strange and definitely a change of behavior from previous years. Started not being interested in most things, including grandchildren.

I think they didn't feel well at all and were hiding it as much as possible and overwhelmed by the house that they refused to leave. It was just too much for them.

[Anonymous]

You just described most baby boomers. This isn’t an age thing. They’ve always been like that.

My mom has maybe a 5 minute quota of interest in other people in any conversation. After that, it needs to be about her or she gets bored. Thankfully, when we’re on the phone I can just let her prattle on and I can do something else. She doesn’t even notice.

[Anonymous]

For my mom, this age has been pretty much always. For my dad, rarely, almost never. I wonder if the order of birth has something to do with that mindset? Dad was the youngest of 3 brothers, mom is the older of 3 sisters.
Though I am the oldest of two and my sister talks about herself constantly.
FIL has also always been about himself, he is the oldest too. He will actually tell people in conversation that they need to stop talking so that he can talk. He talks all the time.

[Anonymous]

For my mother it happened gradually, but now in her late 70s she's like a toddler. One of her grandkids could have a life threatening episode, be in the hospital and we would not have slept for days and she would complain why we aren't calling or visiting much lately. She also tantrums, but unlike a toddler she has the verbal skills to shoot verbal bullets hoping desperately to puncture your heart and make you bleed. It is very challenging dealing with her while raising kids. Toddlers are cute and endearing. Mom is not.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like people are noting a real increase and obviously it is very hard to age, much time on one's hands and a wandering mind can quickly veer off into self pity, imagined rejections, and just a really negative zone. I can feel the pull to the imagined insult when i don't have enough to do and I am only in my 50's. Also, people over 80 did not exactly grow up in an era of sophisticated mental health and the values of open ness and self awareness. Some did, but some of them are fairly unsophisticated psychologically. Mostly, it looks like if you haven't worked on yourself to be healthy mentally, aging is very, very hard.

[Anonymous]

I think my parents have always been about them but 70's turned very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah. My mom, it hit early. Late 60s.

[Anonymous]

65+ for sure

[Anonymous]

MIL in her 60's. FIL 70's and now late 70's he is really bad, quite like a toddler. He has a lot of medical issues and the only time he leaves the house is to go to his doctors appointments. They could go out to other places but for some reason he refuses. He has refused since he retired and has complained of being bored in retirement from day 1.

MIL is now inept at life and can't even change batteries in items even though she seems to handle other things just fine. She is physically fine just emotionally fragile. She has always been manipulative and I expect in the coming years she will be really bad.

My parents are the same age and are the complete opposite. They are out and about each day, travelling still (pre Covid). They do most things themselves and rarely need help with anything. They are interested in other people and their lives. They are also healthy so I am thinking that plays a big role in it.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]It sounds like people are noting a real increase and obviously it is very hard to age, much time on one's hands and a wandering mind can quickly veer off into self pity, imagined rejections, and just a really negative zone. I can feel the pull to the imagined insult when i don't have enough to do and I am only in my 50's. Also, people over 80 did not exactly grow up in an era of sophisticated mental health and the values of open ness and self awareness. Some did, but some of them are fairly unsophisticated psychologically. [b]Mostly, it looks like if you haven't worked on yourself to be healthy mentally, aging is very, very hard[/b].[/quote]

This. I'm the PP with the narcissistic father. I genuinely feel bad for my parents because they have so few emotional coping skills, as well as a host of just flat out unhealthy beliefs about mental health. It makes them really hard to deal with, but I can also see to what degree they just can't help it.

Something I find really useful in dealing with my parents is learning to detach and think of them as people who are not related to me. It makes it easier for me to have boundaries and also to avoid being hurt by their behavior. It's easier said than done, though. I just lost it at my mom the other day because she said some incredibly hurtful things to me (relating to how hard it's been during Covid and handling work/childcare responsibilities). In that moment, it was just really hard for me not to feel her words as the harsh disapproval of my mother, instead of the uninformed and old-fashioned opinions of an older lady who just doesn't have the proper context to discuss these issues. Very hard. But still, that's what it is.