Aging parents - is there an age when it’s all about them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just described most baby boomers. This isn’t an age thing. They’ve always been like that.

My mom has maybe a 5 minute quota of interest in other people in any conversation. After that, it needs to be about her or she gets bored. Thankfully, when we’re on the phone I can just let her prattle on and I can do something else. She doesn’t even notice.

Generalize much? You are ignorant and ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? I mean my grandmother at 93, will talk about 5-10 min about herself but then she says, enough about me, it’s boring. And then she loves hearing what’s going on in my life. It’s a personality thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? I mean my grandmother at 93, will talk about 5-10 min about herself but then she says, enough about me, it’s boring. And then she loves hearing what’s going on in my life. It’s a personality thing.

Honestly I think it's different with grandparents vs. with parents. IDK why but I feel like grandparents can be interested in adult grandkids -- maybe it's bc they dump their day to day issues on their own kid and then in front of the grandkid it's all like oh no sweetie I'm fine, so how's everything going in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very common in many older people. As they age they become increasingly self-absorbed. Some of my elderly relatives will talk about nothing other than their myriad ailments, real and imaginary.

I've had calls where the entire call was talking at me about ailment, dr. appts, upcoming dr. appts, the dr. -- as in their ethicity; marital status; whether they have kids, other people's ailments and other people's dr. appts. And then click. Literally I've hung up the phone saying -- hmm well hope they feel better unloading on me -- they literally asked nothing about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? I mean my grandmother at 93, will talk about 5-10 min about herself but then she says, enough about me, it’s boring. And then she loves hearing what’s going on in my life. It’s a personality thing.

I find people like your grandmother to be really inspiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very common in many older people. As they age they become increasingly self-absorbed. Some of my elderly relatives will talk about nothing other than their myriad ailments, real and imaginary.

+1

Yup. I've know my MIL 30 years and it is the same for all that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just described most baby boomers. This isn’t an age thing. They’ve always been like that.

My mom has maybe a 5 minute quota of interest in other people in any conversation. After that, it needs to be about her or she gets bored. Thankfully, when we’re on the phone I can just let her prattle on and I can do something else. She doesn’t even notice.

No it isn't baby boomers. Just stop. Why do you generalize your Mom's behavior to everyone? If we asked about you, you would also suggest we are meddling.
I am a baby boomer, have 3 adult kids. I have plenty of interest in them, in other people, in other interests. It's not about baby boomers, it's just whether one is an asshat or not. It's not generational.

Also, why not show some interest in your Mom's life occasionally? She's not out to pasture, she's still a person. Act like you would if she were a contemporary. Don't start labeling because you have no patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For my parents 80+

Both my parents died at 84 and for them it started about a year before each died. For my grandmother who lived to 99, it never happened but her last year and a half was greatly diminished capacity to understand anything.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like people are noting a real increase and obviously it is very hard to age, much time on one's hands and a wandering mind can quickly veer off into self pity, imagined rejections, and just a really negative zone. I can feel the pull to the imagined insult when i don't have enough to do and I am only in my 50's. Also, people over 80 did not exactly grow up in an era of sophisticated mental health and the values of open ness and self awareness. Some did, but some of them are fairly unsophisticated psychologically. [b]Mostly, it looks like if you haven't worked on yourself to be healthy mentally, aging is very, very hard[/b].[/quote]

This. I'm the PP with the narcissistic father. I genuinely feel bad for my parents because they have so few emotional coping skills, as well as a host of just flat out unhealthy beliefs about mental health. It makes them really hard to deal with, but I can also see to what degree they just can't help it.

Something I find really useful in dealing with my parents is learning to detach and think of them as people who are not related to me. It makes it easier for me to have boundaries and also to avoid being hurt by their behavior. It's easier said than done, though. I just lost it at my mom the other day because she said some incredibly hurtful things to me (relating to how hard it's been during Covid and handling work/childcare responsibilities). In that moment, it was just really hard for me not to feel her words as the harsh disapproval of my mother, instead of the uninformed and old-fashioned opinions of an older lady who just doesn't have the proper context to discuss these issues. Very hard. But still, that's what it is.[/quote]

I relate to this so much. My mother has no coping skills and she has the most condescending and obnoxious view of getting help. I think my whole childhood would have been better if she and just accepted she struggles with anxiety and depression and she takes out her misery on others so she could get help and manage it. She wanders into the area of abuse because she cannot manage her emotions well. I have learned to detach, but she still sometimes really gets to me.

[Anonymous]

Just talked to my 95-year-old aunt on the phone. Most of the conversation was questions about me. How’s my job? How’s DD, etc. That’s how she has always been, very caring about others. Has not changed with age

[Anonymous]

Here's a perspective from the other side... (and yes, I know I'm talking about myself, but I thought you might want to hear an honest perspective.)

I'm not too old yet (65) but I find the new aches and pains, and the refusal of my body to do what it always used to do easily, very perplexing, frustrating, and frankly depressing. I have always been an athlete, always worked on our farm, always supported myself for my adult life at a job I loved that was very stressful but very active and fun. I just don't believe that I feel like this.

I don't want to feel like this. It's unbelievable to me that I hesitate to run hard down the rocky path on the hill in the park I've run hard for years, because I fell hard recently there and the results of the fall were so bad that I can't afford to do that again because recovery time is so long now. I still load heavy rock into my pickup myself and unload it myself and carry it to the eroding creekbank that needs it...but my body feels the pain after doing that for days now, instead of hours. Standing on my feet all day at my job and then going for a workout after work used to be a piece of cake...no longer. I just don't believe it, but it's happening no matter what I try to do about it.

I look in the mirror and see and am truly startled to see an old face when inside I feel, and mentally have a vision of myself, in my thirties and forties.

And the aches and pains and the older face and the whitening hair are indications that the end of my life is coming sooner rather than later.

That's what the old people you know are feeling, whether they tell you or not...and the older you get the more frustrated and frankly scared you get. You are focused on yourself because you just can't believe it is happening - you've never hurt like this, you've never had such poor eyesight that you can't read the fine print on bottles, you've never had poor balance, you've never had people treat you like you are "an old person" and just dismiss you with a figurative pat on the head (there, there, dear") - and all of this happens more and more often and at closer and closer intervals..and it's frightening.

That said, my spouse and I make it a point to not talk about this to anyone but us two (and today on an anonymous forum.) We don't want anyone to know how scared we are, and we don't want anyone to treat us as less of a human being because we are old, the way we've seen other old people being treated...sigh...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very common in many older people. As they age they become increasingly self-absorbed. Some of my elderly relatives will talk about nothing other than their myriad ailments, real and imaginary.

+1

Yup. I've know my MIL 30 years and it is the same for all that time.

Same and MIL is only 74. Only getting worse, particularly since her peers and friends have died, have serious illnesses, have become inactive, have health issues. Now instead of hearing about random friends' daughters' pregnancies, labor and delivery trauma stories it's all about this friend's surgery, this one's dire predicament...matters on incessantly and stops to 1/2 ask a question to feign interest, then repeat.

Also, MIL is a conversation killer; "such a pretty dress. You know I had something just like it a few years ago when that color first became popular..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your parents (aunts/uncles etc) get to an age where it was all about them? So they sat around always thinking and talking about their feelings, their dr appts, their daily tasks etc and just didn’t ask about you — or asked but in a very cursory/keep your answer short, kind of way? Do they do this with just you and your spouse or do they also barely ask about grandkids? Is there an age where you see this happening more?

Yes. They were in their mid 20's and I was an infant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very common in many older people. As they age they become increasingly self-absorbed. Some of my elderly relatives will talk about nothing other than their myriad ailments, real and imaginary.

+1

Yup. I've know my MIL 30 years and it is the same for all that time.

Same and MIL is only 74. Only getting worse, particularly since her peers and friends have died, have serious illnesses, have become inactive, have health issues. Now instead of hearing about random friends' daughters' pregnancies, labor and delivery trauma stories it's all about this friend's surgery, this one's dire predicament...matters on incessantly and stops to 1/2 ask a question to feign interest, then repeat.

Also, MIL is a conversation killer; "such a pretty dress. You know I had something just like it a few years ago when that color first became popular..."

Please explain how her comment was wrong. Come on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very common in many older people. As they age they become increasingly self-absorbed. Some of my elderly relatives will talk about nothing other than their myriad ailments, real and imaginary.

+1

Yup. I've know my MIL 30 years and it is the same for all that time.

Same and MIL is only 74. Only getting worse, particularly since her peers and friends have died, have serious illnesses, have become inactive, have health issues. Now instead of hearing about random friends' daughters' pregnancies, labor and delivery trauma stories it's all about this friend's surgery, this one's dire predicament...matters on incessantly and stops to 1/2 ask a question to feign interest, then repeat.

Also, MIL is a conversation killer; "such a pretty dress. You know I had something just like it a few years ago when that color first became popular..."

Please explain how her comment was wrong. Come on...

PP. Subtly passively aggressive; brings a compliment back to herself and in this case, the past tense...I had...a few years ago...when it first...

She had it first! No longer owns therefore no longer in style.

Also, she is queen of mock concern; "you look so tired. I have a great undereye concealer that would work for you."

My favorite from 30 years ago when I very genuinely complimented her on a specific main dish; "it's so easy [that] YOU could make this...swap out YOU for "a caveman" or "a preschooler" and you'll get her tone