Aging parents - is there an age when it’s all about them?

[Anonymous]

I also see the shrinking of life activities turning into hyper focus on those activities. I will hear about "that upcoming dentist appointment" for six weeks before, and the angst about it goes up the closer we get. I swear agoraphobia has set in and just leaving the house is stress-inducing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^But I do think the ones who just aren’t up for doing as much bc understandably they’re tired etc but still do SOMETHING are still better off than those who do nothing at all. Sure their world is smaller than it used to be and likely smaller than they like but it’s still not as small as those who have zero interest or involvement and then it’s about health.

Well that's true. I am the poster with the parents in their 80s. They still go back and forth between their condo and their second home. Not as much as they would like to because it is tiring but they still do it.

They have a wide social network and they talk on the phone to their friends a lot. In fact, I've noticed that it is because they have house phones that they have such extended conversations - they are in different rooms on different extensions talking to friends who are doing the same thing, and that wouldn't be possible for them on cell phones (group chat swiping would be too much).

They also have taken up board games "to keep away the Big D". That gives them something to talk about (Dear, I have something important to tell you. Your father is cheating. He insists that xxx is a word and...) with all of us.

So their world is smaller but they are literally and figuratively trying to keep it open as much as they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really refreshing to read these responses, because I've been feeling this way about my folks and was worried it was just me.

Mine have honestly always been very self-absorbed, but it's getting worse lately. They are in their late 60's, and while I know not all Boomers are this way, they are stereotypical of their generation in that generally, things have gone their way and they've lived very charmed lives. Not saying they weren't smart or didn't work hard, but theirs was a path of far less resistance compared to others. They were charismatic and attractive as young people and got a lot of attention and praise for it.

Now they are getting older, their world is getting much smaller. Perhaps the downside of easily finding success and getting attention for things that are beyond your control is that you may not develop much character. They aren't very interesting people to talk to. They don't have much perspective or wisdom, and they really struggle with empathy. I've noticed that a number of their longtime friends have pulled back in years. Others have serious health problems, so my folks aren't getting as much socialization (and both had very socially-oriented careers). They were used to a very full social calendar and people always wanting to get together. Now (and also with Covid), that isn't happening.

They also have very few emotional coping skills, so every setback is major. They were always healthy and active when they were younger and seemingly thought they were invincible, so the physical limitations they are facing have come as a nasty surprise. For the first time in their lives, things are not going their way in a profound sense, so any time I speak with them, it's just a litany of challenges that they're apoplectic at having to face.

Yes, this thread is helpful to me too. My mother has always been a little selfish, but now she is like a toddler with a better vocabulary. She lacks perspective or wisdom and has no coping skills, but therapy is just for "crazies!" She definitely struggles with empathy more. Everything is "what have you done for ME lately." Same stories-a lot of friends have pulled back. In her traveling the world in luxury years she was happy and pleasant. She and my dad both thought they were invincible because they didn't watch their own parents age. They were too busy to be that involved, they minimized what their siblings did and now they wonder why their siblings are so much closer to their kids. It's because their siblings refused to torture their own children the way they had been tortured and they moved to living situations that were aging friendly. They don't expect their adult children to do backflips while claiming "it's no trouble." My mother gets so weepy about people close to their adult children and she cannot see it's because they are kind to their children and helpful and everything isn't "ME,ME, Meeeee!!"

[Anonymous]

My parents were similar in that they were totally uninvolved in their own parents’ aging and so, thought they were invincible. They ended up relying on me to take care of so much for them when they finally realized they were not invincible. They had not been involved in my life or that of my children except in the most surface manner. I had a lot of the same feelings discussed. In the end, though, I think you have to accept that you are now the adult and they have become the children. If you don’t want to have regrets, it’s probably best to make your peace with the situation and, to handle it with the best sympathy and grace that you can.

[Anonymous]

It's helpful is you don't give your parents the impression that they are under a microscope, that all their actions are being evaluated, discussed, shared with others. They keep talking about their appointments, etc, because they don't have much else to talk about. Younger people often talk about the same (boring) day-to-day stuff but are able to communicate with more animation, clever nuance.

Accept and meet your parents where they are. If you're personally there, know that you can sit in the room with them, and that's enough. Your company is enough. Your company is valuable. Don't put pressure on them to rise to the occasion of being entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very common in many older people. As they age they become increasingly self-absorbed. Some of my elderly relatives will talk about nothing other than their myriad ailments, real and imaginary.

+1

Yup. I've know my MIL 30 years and it is the same for all that time.

MIL has been like this forever. Its always her issues and problems, whether its her health or something else. Never been interested in my (her) grandkids or even her own son(my dh) much. Always talking about herself! I find her extremely selfish. Always have.

[Anonymous]

My husband ended up in the hospital and all my mother cared about was why we were not visiting her more or how him being ill would take away from her care. I have to remember every time she screams "You are so selfish" she is projecting. She, who wondered why her sister and brother were so miserable taking care of the parents while she traveled and made excuses to only be involved minimally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? I mean my grandmother at 93, will talk about 5-10 min about herself but then she says, enough about me, it’s boring. And then she loves hearing what’s going on in my life. It’s a personality thing.

My friends mother is like this. (I hope I can be like that at 80, 90) My mother is not. Very hard to be around. Ha always been critical but now has no filter at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? I mean my grandmother at 93, will talk about 5-10 min about herself but then she says, enough about me, it’s boring. And then she loves hearing what’s going on in my life. It’s a personality thing.

Agreed! My grandma also doesn't talk much about herself. She shares interesting stories of her kids when they were toddlers (I have toddlers), a lot about my ancestors and she's very witty about things in the news. She's never complained about her shoulder (she tore it recently).

My parents are late 60s and are definitely becoming more self absorbed and get into fights with people around them often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just described most baby boomers. This isn’t an age thing. They’ve always been like that.

My mom has maybe a 5 minute quota of interest in other people in any conversation. After that, it needs to be about her or she gets bored. Thankfully, when we’re on the phone I can just let her prattle on and I can do something else. She doesn’t even notice.

OMG this is my mom exactly! DH will notice me silent for 90% of the phone call and be like, "did you get a word in at all?" Literally anything you tell her she finds a way to flip it around and make it about her.

[Anonymous]

There was a time when all they did was for you. You will turn out the same way. Stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is so enlightening. I've felt this way about my mother for several years now and can't say I recall her being quite so selfish and narcissistic when I was younger. My spouse thinks it's because we didn't have as much in common when I was younger as we do now that I'm also a mother etc. But I've felt like it's age or dementia or something.

You can't make a single statement to the woman without her framing it in her direct experiences. Like to the point where we just painted our kitchen and she was like "oh yeah, that's like what I painted [some part of her house]. Spoiler alert, it's not at all. Or "oh you just moved, well I'm buying new furniture too." These aren't the strongest examples but every single thing feels like a pissing match.

When does it become so hard for people to just say "oh yeah, that's really nice!" Or "great job" or something?

It's to the point where I don't even want to say anything because I'm too exhausted to deal. Like others have said, let her prattle on while I do something else.

This is my mom 100%. Perfect example ... on our anniversary, I posted a picture of my husband and me, and then my mom (who didn't even acknowledge our anniversary, which ok, fine) comments on my post a few days later, on their anniversary, "cute picture, we are celebrating our 45th here in sunny florida!" and I'd already texted her first thing that morning to wish her and my dad happy anniversary. Like it's really too hard for her to just say "happy anniversary" and not mention herself. It's mind boggling to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also see the shrinking of life activities turning into hyper focus on those activities. I will hear about "that upcoming dentist appointment" for six weeks before, and the angst about it goes up the closer we get. I swear agoraphobia has set in and just leaving the house is stress-inducing.

I think I can be a little sympathetic to this during COVID. We are working from home and the kids are remote schooling and we're just not used to going out for necessary things as much as we used to be. Last week I had to take my DD to a dentist appt and the day of, to my surprise, I felt mildly anxious about it all day -- I kept doublechecking the address, whether i had the insurance card, and the time. It just seemed like a Big Deal to me, though I wouldn't have thought about it so much in my pre-covid life, I would have just done it. I was thinking WTF is wrong with me. This must be what it is like to age when you don't do as much -- the smaller things become much bigger deals.

This is why I want to keep working and staying active as long as possible. You don't really feel so much more relaxed with less to do, the little things you do just start expand to fill that space in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a time when all they did was for you. You will turn out the same way. Stop complaining.

x1000

[Anonymous]

Actually, as the child of Boomers, there was never a time where everything they did was for me. Ever. It was all about their feelings and dysfunction.

And they are no different as they age.