Culture difference with American husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain how the two of you ended up married to each other? You’re a very unlikely pair. You’re only going to grow unhappier together.

OP here. When we met we were in a similar friend group and I had no idea how I missed that he and I did not share the same cultural values. Part of it may have been my new immigrant naivete. I am also socially somewhat conservative so I remember liking that we can relate on that. After we got serious I realized his parents were hard working MC/LMC who used whatever they had to give their kids a push into a better life. His sister is doing so much better. She has a great job at a fortune 500 and is engaged to a rich guy from an UC background. She is very eager to ascent her MC/LMC roots and has assimilated perfectly into the UMC/UC.

My husband, perhaps in resistance, has veered further and further away from his educated and wealthy peers. He only hangs out with others who do not possess college degrees. He quit his well to do job to work for himself. He mocks me and makes fun of me for reading a newspaper and eating healthfully. He only gets his news from alt right twitter.I am terrified what impact he would have on our kids.

I feel so stupid as I did not pick up on these nuances when we were dating due to my lack of cultural knowledge.

PP. You need to divorce. Do not have kids. It will not get better.

OP here. I have put on hold my dream of having a family because I am terrified of what he will do. He will think anything I am doing to "better" their lives is me being "snobby." He keeps saying he just wants a life like his parents not understanding that even his parents DON'T want him to have a life like theirs.

So far he says his kids will only play football like "true americans"
They will learn to play jazz and not be part of an orchestra
They will not go to some "rich kid school full of toffs"

You lost me right here. I've never in my life heard an American say that.

--European

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is kind of the same but he makes around 750k which is the weird thing. He doesn't want to live with rich yuppies or send our kids to private school with rich yuppies like we are not rich yuppies ourselves.

He didn't vote for Trump (thank god) but he couldn't bring himself to vote for Biden either. He was all in for McCain and Romney but now votes Libertarian.

However, he did concede on hiring tutors and he is more than willing to pay for private instructors when it comes to their sports.

^ Me again. I wanted to add, that he has this HUGE hang up about the supposed hypocrisy of liberal elites. He believes they are all very much "do as I say, not as a I do." Whereas the Republicans are upfront abut their selfishness and greed and there is something he respects about that.

I think that might have something to do with your DH's political attitude.

I mean, he's not wrong about that.

Signed, a lifelong Democrat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain how the two of you ended up married to each other? You’re a very unlikely pair. You’re only going to grow unhappier together.

OP here. When we met we were in a similar friend group and I had no idea how I missed that he and I did not share the same cultural values. Part of it may have been my new immigrant naivete. I am also socially somewhat conservative so I remember liking that we can relate on that. After we got serious I realized his parents were hard working MC/LMC who used whatever they had to give their kids a push into a better life. His sister is doing so much better. She has a great job at a fortune 500 and is engaged to a rich guy from an UC background. She is very eager to ascent her MC/LMC roots and has assimilated perfectly into the UMC/UC.

My husband, perhaps in resistance, has veered further and further away from his educated and wealthy peers. He only hangs out with others who do not possess college degrees. He quit his well to do job to work for himself. He mocks me and makes fun of me for reading a newspaper and eating healthfully. He only gets his news from alt right twitter.I am terrified what impact he would have on our kids.

I feel so stupid as I did not pick up on these nuances when we were dating due to my lack of cultural knowledge.

PP. You need to divorce. Do not have kids. It will not get better.

OP here. I have put on hold my dream of having a family because I am terrified of what he will do. He will think anything I am doing to "better" their lives is me being "snobby." He keeps saying he just wants a life like his parents not understanding that even his parents DON'T want him to have a life like theirs.

So far he says his kids will only play football like "true americans"
They will learn to play jazz and not be part of an orchestra
They will not go to some "rich kid school full of toffs"

You lost me right here. I've never in my life heard an American say that.

--European

Toff
In British English slang, a toff is a derogatory stereotype for someone with an aristocratic background or belonging to the landed gentry, particularly someone who exudes an air of superiority.

Uh hunh. Where exactly did your Midwestern Trumpster husband pick up British slang? Not buying what you're selling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain how the two of you ended up married to each other? You’re a very unlikely pair. You’re only going to grow unhappier together.

OP here. When we met we were in a similar friend group and I had no idea how I missed that he and I did not share the same cultural values. Part of it may have been my new immigrant naivete. I am also socially somewhat conservative so I remember liking that we can relate on that. After we got serious I realized his parents were hard working MC/LMC who used whatever they had to give their kids a push into a better life. His sister is doing so much better. She has a great job at a fortune 500 and is engaged to a rich guy from an UC background. She is very eager to ascent her MC/LMC roots and has assimilated perfectly into the UMC/UC.

My husband, perhaps in resistance, has veered further and further away from his educated and wealthy peers. He only hangs out with others who do not possess college degrees. He quit his well to do job to work for himself. He mocks me and makes fun of me for reading a newspaper and eating healthfully. He only gets his news from alt right twitter.I am terrified what impact he would have on our kids.

I feel so stupid as I did not pick up on these nuances when we were dating due to my lack of cultural knowledge.

PP. You need to divorce. Do not have kids. It will not get better.

OP here. I have put on hold my dream of having a family because I am terrified of what he will do. He will think anything I am doing to "better" their lives is me being "snobby." He keeps saying he just wants a life like his parents not understanding that even his parents DON'T want him to have a life like theirs.

So far he says his kids will only play football like "true americans"
They will learn to play jazz and not be part of an orchestra
They will not go to some "rich kid school full of toffs"

You lost me right here. I've never in my life heard an American say that.

--European

Toff
In British English slang, a toff is a derogatory stereotype for someone with an aristocratic background or belonging to the landed gentry, particularly someone who exudes an air of superiority.

Uh hunh. Where exactly did your Midwestern Trumpster husband pick up British slang? Not buying what you're selling.

I assume GRU?

[Anonymous]

It would be a believable story if you didn't throw the word "Trumper" in there.
He's not only the bad guy but also a Trumper, the worst of the worst. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Is Fairfax Underground not as fun these days, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain how the two of you ended up married to each other? You’re a very unlikely pair. You’re only going to grow unhappier together.

OP here. When we met we were in a similar friend group and I had no idea how I missed that he and I did not share the same cultural values. Part of it may have been my new immigrant naivete. I am also socially somewhat conservative so I remember liking that we can relate on that. After we got serious I realized his parents were hard working MC/LMC who used whatever they had to give their kids a push into a better life. His sister is doing so much better. She has a great job at a fortune 500 and is engaged to a rich guy from an UC background. She is very eager to ascent her MC/LMC roots and has assimilated perfectly into the UMC/UC.

My husband, perhaps in resistance, has veered further and further away from his educated and wealthy peers. He only hangs out with others who do not possess college degrees. He quit his well to do job to work for himself. He mocks me and makes fun of me for reading a newspaper and eating healthfully. He only gets his news from alt right twitter.I am terrified what impact he would have on our kids.

I feel so stupid as I did not pick up on these nuances when we were dating due to my lack of cultural knowledge.

PP. You need to divorce. Do not have kids. It will not get better.

OP here. I have put on hold my dream of having a family because I am terrified of what he will do. He will think anything I am doing to "better" their lives is me being "snobby." He keeps saying he just wants a life like his parents not understanding that even his parents DON'T want him to have a life like theirs.

So far he says his kids will only play football like "true americans"
They will learn to play jazz and not be part of an orchestra
They will not go to some "rich kid school full of toffs"

You lost me right here. I've never in my life heard an American say that.

--European

Toff
In British English slang, a toff is a derogatory stereotype for someone with an aristocratic background or belonging to the landed gentry, particularly someone who exudes an air of superiority.

Uh hunh. Where exactly did your Midwestern Trumpster husband pick up British slang? Not buying what you're selling.

OP here. My husband, as I said previously, went to really good private schools and has traveled and studied abroad in Europe and the ME. He knows what Toffs are.

[Anonymous]

He sounds immature, still trying to pretend who he is and where he came from, instead of accepting who he is. He may be embarrassed that he had advantages. Maybe his parents raised him saying, "We didn't have all these advantages when WE were growing up!" Or maybe he was duped by our insane president who pretends being broke and blue collar is better than being financially comfortable....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds immature, still trying to pretend who he is and where he came from, instead of accepting who he is. He may be embarrassed that he had advantages. Maybe his parents raised him saying, "We didn't have all these advantages when WE were growing up!" Or maybe he was duped by our insane president who pretends being broke and blue collar is better than being financially comfortable....

Wait, sorry, I missed the "full of toffs" part. OP is definitely a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds immature, still trying to pretend who he is and where he came from, instead of accepting who he is. He may be embarrassed that he had advantages. Maybe his parents raised him saying, "We didn't have all these advantages when WE were growing up!" Or maybe he was duped by our insane president who pretends being broke and blue collar is better than being financially comfortable....

OP here. I agree with you actually. I notice that his parents also have identity issues where while they actively took steps to ensure their children enter and thrive in a higher socioeconomic class, they also simultaneously display a lot of disdain for the UMC/UC. I don't really understand it. And whenever he or his sister display affinity for things their parents did not have or understand, the parents get super uncomfortable and make their children feel awkward. I recall, for example, when DH got me a Le Creuset pot for Christmas this one time, his mom threw a fit saying how "spoiled" I am because she got her first Le Creuset when she was in her 50s. Or when we traveled to Europe, his parents talked about how unnecessary and waste of money that was. Its almost like they don't know what to do with their children. They also feel super uncomfortable about their daughters UC fiance and are scared to meet his family as they feel embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds immature, still trying to pretend who he is and where he came from, instead of accepting who he is. He may be embarrassed that he had advantages. Maybe his parents raised him saying, "We didn't have all these advantages when WE were growing up!" Or maybe he was duped by our insane president who pretends being broke and blue collar is better than being financially comfortable....

OP here. I agree with you actually. I notice that his parents also have identity issues where while they actively took steps to ensure their children enter and thrive in a higher socioeconomic class, they also simultaneously display a lot of disdain for the UMC/UC. I don't really understand it. And whenever he or his sister display affinity for things their parents did not have or understand, the parents get super uncomfortable and make their children feel awkward. I recall, for example, when DH got me a Le Creuset pot for Christmas this one time, his mom threw a fit saying how "spoiled" I am because she got her first Le Creuset when she was in her 50s. Or when we traveled to Europe, his parents talked about how unnecessary and waste of money that was. Its almost like they don't know what to do with their children. They also feel super uncomfortable about their daughters UC fiance and are scared to meet his family as they feel embarrassed.

NP. I can't wait to read the novel that OP apparently is researching by writing out the plot threads here and seeing how "real people" posters might react to them....

I had also come to post about "toffs" but eagle-eyed PPs caught that one quickly. I see OP returned to claim that DH picked up the term in his elaborately described schooling and time abroad. That would not be reason for him actually to employ that veddy veddy British term even if he understood and had heard it. He can't be as anti-snob as OP is painting him, yet also be willing to toss out a term like "toffs" easily, unless he was mocking OP by doing so....

If this is in any way remotely real, which I don't believe, OP already knows it's past time to divorce. Stop having sex with him immediately, too, OP, so you don't end up yoked to him because of a child. It's really so very easy to solve this -- IF you and he are for real. You can go be the toff you long to be in your striving soul, and he can move on and find the LMC woman of his supposed dreams, who will never drag him to an orchestral concert. No idea why you feel you need to work this divorce decision out with strangers here, when you've given it so much detailed thought as you show in your posts.

[Anonymous]

Well, in this society, not everyone thinks upper-class = good and middle class = bad. If you are new to America this may be new to you. There is a very long tradition of resisting the aristocracy. So, you’re not necessarily going to get sympathy from your husband or from posters here if your position is that desiring the finer things and wishing to become part of the upper class are normal goals in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain how the two of you ended up married to each other? You’re a very unlikely pair. You’re only going to grow unhappier together.

OP here. When we met we were in a similar friend group and I had no idea how I missed that he and I did not share the same cultural values. Part of it may have been my new immigrant naivete. I am also socially somewhat conservative so I remember liking that we can relate on that. After we got serious I realized his parents were hard working MC/LMC who used whatever they had to give their kids a push into a better life. His sister is doing so much better. She has a great job at a fortune 500 and is engaged to a rich guy from an UC background. She is very eager to ascent her MC/LMC roots and has assimilated perfectly into the UMC/UC.

My husband, perhaps in resistance, has veered further and further away from his educated and wealthy peers. He only hangs out with others who do not possess college degrees. He quit his well to do job to work for himself. He mocks me and makes fun of me for reading a newspaper and eating healthfully. He only gets his news from alt right twitter.I am terrified what impact he would have on our kids.

I feel so stupid as I did not pick up on these nuances when we were dating due to my lack of cultural knowledge.

Might be cultural naivete or he's changed and moved far-right/is into Trumpism. If your life partner feels the need to mock you for reading a newspaper and choosing healthy food I can't imagine where the relationship goes from there. I'd be moving towards divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is kind of the same but he makes around 750k which is the weird thing. He doesn't want to live with rich yuppies or send our kids to private school with rich yuppies like we are not rich yuppies ourselves.

He didn't vote for Trump (thank god) but he couldn't bring himself to vote for Biden either. He was all in for McCain and Romney but now votes Libertarian.

However, he did concede on hiring tutors and he is more than willing to pay for private instructors when it comes to their sports.

^ Me again. I wanted to add, that he has this HUGE hang up about the supposed hypocrisy of liberal elites. He believes they are all very much "do as I say, not as a I do." Whereas the Republicans are upfront abut their selfishness and greed and there is something he respects about that.

I think that might have something to do with your DH's political attitude.

I mean, he's not wrong about that.

Signed, a lifelong Democrat

Riiiiight, sure you are, Dean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met and married my white American DH when we were fresh out of graduate school. I am a first generation immigrant and I have the thirst and drive to live a certain "UMC" lifestyle. I grew up pretty well off back in my home country and as an immigrant we want to improve and better our life. The thing I did not understand was that my American DH, although he grew up LMC and MC, does not have any desire to culturally and financially become or associate with the UMC.

He is a Trumper and his feelings have hardened significantly. His parents worked hard to send him to the best private schools and colleges but he shunned his wealthy peers and would choose to associate with the kids who were also from his background. He got into Harvard for graduate school but turned it down because it was "too liberal and full of snobs."

He provides resistance on everything. He will not shop at WF and not give up eating hot dogs because he isn't "going to eat grass."

He doesn't want his kids to go to a "rich kid school" because he wants to be able to relate to them.

He doesn't want to live in certain neighborhoods because "stupid yuppie liberals."

He has cut out friends of ours he deemed were too "yuppie liberals" for us.

I am going crazy as I LIKE that stuff. I grew up with most of it and have an ease and comfort with these people.

I feel like I am losing a huge part of who I am and who I want to be.

You live in a polarizing liberal city and area. Most cities and people are not forced to live and breathe partisan politics like wash DC news, schools, neighborhoods are forced to. International folk notice it too, am surprised you don’t.

Move to someplace normal, maybe even a swing state! Live will be better and no one will have to change or be forced to drink someone else’s Koolaid 24-7.