Culture difference with American husband

[Anonymous]

I believe this is real. I have a family with two such examples. You'd be surprised at what lack of fluency in a language and/or awareness of cultural nuances can hide. There is a contingency of white men from rural and lower middle class or poor backgrounds who oversell their version of America to wealthier, more educated immigrant women. Then, after a few years of cultural orientation, said women find themselves married to, frankly, a trumpy redneck. Staying married though...that's the thing I don't get. Run like hell before you have kids. And, now you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met and married my white American DH when we were fresh out of graduate school. I am a first generation immigrant and I have the thirst and drive to live a certain "UMC" lifestyle. I grew up pretty well off back in my home country and as an immigrant we want to improve and better our life. The thing I did not understand was that my American DH, although he grew up LMC and MC, does not have any desire to culturally and financially become or associate with the UMC.

He is a Trumper and his feelings have hardened significantly. His parents worked hard to send him to the best private schools and colleges but he shunned his wealthy peers and would choose to associate with the kids who were also from his background. He got into Harvard for graduate school but turned it down because it was "too liberal and full of snobs."

He provides resistance on everything. He will not shop at WF and not give up eating hot dogs because he isn't "going to eat grass."

He doesn't want his kids to go to a "rich kid school" because he wants to be able to relate to them.

He doesn't want to live in certain neighborhoods because "stupid yuppie liberals."

He has cut out friends of ours he deemed were too "yuppie liberals" for us.

I am going crazy as I LIKE that stuff. I grew up with most of it and have an ease and comfort with these people.

I feel like I am losing a huge part of who I am and who I want to be.

Why hasn't your DH divorced you already, you think?

[Anonymous]

So, you immigrated, thought you had married up, only to find he wasn't a money-loving nouveau riche type, but a pretty steady American guy.

Seems he's also pretty tolerant of foreigners and you're the one who hasn't adapted to his culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you immigrated, thought you had married up, only to find he wasn't a money-loving nouveau riche type, but a pretty steady American guy.

Seems he's also pretty tolerant of foreigners and you're the one who hasn't adapted to his culture.

This. And she doesn't need him for citizenship anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP reminds me a non who’re immigrant woman I know who only has typical white UMC (blonde/blue) women friends. Her ExDH was from her home country and also had white UMC male friends. OP, you sound like this lady. Insecure about who you are and trying too hard to fit in and be white. It’s super weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe this is real. I have a family with two such examples. You'd be surprised at what lack of fluency in a language and/or awareness of cultural nuances can hide. There is a contingency of white men from rural and lower middle class or poor backgrounds who oversell their version of America to wealthier, more educated immigrant women. Then, after a few years of cultural orientation, said women find themselves married to, frankly, a trumpy redneck. Staying married though...that's the thing I don't get. Run like hell before you have kids. And, now you know.

Yup. So many people have been quick to call troll but I saw this unfold with my own parents (I’m a PP). They met when he was stationed overseas with the military. She came back to the US to a living nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe this is real. I have a family with two such examples. You'd be surprised at what lack of fluency in a language and/or awareness of cultural nuances can hide. There is a contingency of white men from rural and lower middle class or poor backgrounds who oversell their version of America to wealthier, more educated immigrant women. Then, after a few years of cultural orientation, said women find themselves married to, frankly, a trumpy redneck. Staying married though...that's the thing I don't get. Run like hell before you have kids. And, now you know.

Yup. So many people have been quick to call troll but I saw this unfold with my own parents (I’m a PP). They met when he was stationed overseas with the military. She came back to the US to a living nightmare.

Also she got stuck to him with a honeymoon baby. If OP doesn’t have kids she should run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in the Midwest and know plenty of guys who are along the lines of some of what you describe - but not a single one of them would want their kids to learn jazz instead of orchestra. They don't even know what jazz is, or if they do they associate it with latte liberals. Nor would they use the word "toffs."

PP here with divorced Midwestern working class dad. He loves jazz and that’s all he used to play in his truck. I find it extremely triggering now as an adult. I’m just shocked that apparently there are others out there just like him.

I thought Midwestern working class only liked country music.. My bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain how the two of you ended up married to each other? You’re a very unlikely pair. You’re only going to grow unhappier together.

OP here. When we met we were in a similar friend group and I had no idea how I missed that he and I did not share the same cultural values. Part of it may have been my new immigrant naivete. I am also socially somewhat conservative so I remember liking that we can relate on that. After we got serious I realized his parents were hard working MC/LMC who used whatever they had to give their kids a push into a better life. His sister is doing so much better. She has a great job at a fortune 500 and is engaged to a rich guy from an UC background. She is very eager to ascent her MC/LMC roots and has assimilated perfectly into the UMC/UC.

My husband, perhaps in resistance, has veered further and further away from his educated and wealthy peers. He only hangs out with others who do not possess college degrees. He quit his well to do job to work for himself. He mocks me and makes fun of me for reading a newspaper and eating healthfully. He only gets his news from alt right twitter.I am terrified what impact he would have on our kids.

I feel so stupid as I did not pick up on these nuances when we were dating due to my lack of cultural knowledge.

PP. You need to divorce. Do not have kids. It will not get better.

OP here. I have put on hold my dream of having a family because I am terrified of what he will do. He will think anything I am doing to "better" their lives is me being "snobby." He keeps saying he just wants a life like his parents not understanding that even his parents DON'T want him to have a life like theirs.

So far he says his kids will only play football like "true americans"
They will learn to play jazz and not be part of an orchestra
They will not go to some "rich kid school full of toffs"

You lost me right here. I've never in my life heard an American say that.

--European

Toff
In British English slang, a toff is a derogatory stereotype for someone with an aristocratic background or belonging to the landed gentry, particularly someone who exudes an air of superiority.

Uh hunh. Where exactly did your Midwestern Trumpster husband pick up British slang? Not buying what you're selling.

I assume GRU?

What is GRU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what is with all these trolls lately??? If you are going to troll you need to be more subtle and creative.

This is probably hard for you to believe but there’s the subset of American men that marry foreign wives and and expect them to assimilate to their crappy ass low life lifestyle. They think they’re saving these women from their poor, impoverished countries abroad when they themselves are just ignorant and assume any country outside the USA is a slum. Especially military men - they really oversell themselves and the lifestyle they’ll provide to these naive women to get the marriage in the first place. It’s really not that uncommon.

+1.
OP, I see where you are coming from (no judgement!). It really boils down to your upbringing and personality. Seems like you and your husband are just too different to make it work to everyone's satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain how the two of you ended up married to each other? You’re a very unlikely pair. You’re only going to grow unhappier together.

OP here. When we met we were in a similar friend group and I had no idea how I missed that he and I did not share the same cultural values. Part of it may have been my new immigrant naivete. I am also socially somewhat conservative so I remember liking that we can relate on that. After we got serious I realized his parents were hard working MC/LMC who used whatever they had to give their kids a push into a better life. His sister is doing so much better. She has a great job at a fortune 500 and is engaged to a rich guy from an UC background. She is very eager to ascent her MC/LMC roots and has assimilated perfectly into the UMC/UC.

My husband, perhaps in resistance, has veered further and further away from his educated and wealthy peers. He only hangs out with others who do not possess college degrees. He quit his well to do job to work for himself. He mocks me and makes fun of me for reading a newspaper and eating healthfully. He only gets his news from alt right twitter.I am terrified what impact he would have on our kids.

I feel so stupid as I did not pick up on these nuances when we were dating due to my lack of cultural knowledge.

I think your lives are heading in two directions. There is no reason for your to suppress your identity.

I would divorce before you have kids. You would be much happier with someone who shares your values (or even alone I suspect). Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what is with all these trolls lately??? If you are going to troll you need to be more subtle and creative.

This is probably hard for you to believe but there’s the subset of American men that marry foreign wives and and expect them to assimilate to their crappy ass low life lifestyle. They think they’re saving these women from their poor, impoverished countries abroad when they themselves are just ignorant and assume any country outside the USA is a slum. Especially military men - they really oversell themselves and the lifestyle they’ll provide to these naive women to get the marriage in the first place. It’s really not that uncommon.

+1.
OP, I see where you are coming from (no judgement!). It really boils down to your upbringing and personality. Seems like you and your husband are just too different to make it work to everyone's satisfaction.

THe last two posts above are OP, sock puppeting. Barf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you immigrated, thought you had married up, only to find he wasn't a money-loving nouveau riche type, but a pretty steady American guy.

Seems he's also pretty tolerant of foreigners and you're the one who hasn't adapted to his culture.

Correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what is with all these trolls lately??? If you are going to troll you need to be more subtle and creative.

This is probably hard for you to believe but there’s the subset of American men that marry foreign wives and and expect them to assimilate to their crappy ass low life lifestyle. They think they’re saving these women from their poor, impoverished countries abroad when they themselves are just ignorant and assume any country outside the USA is a slum. Especially military men - they really oversell themselves and the lifestyle they’ll provide to these naive women to get the marriage in the first place. It’s really not that uncommon.

+1.
OP, I see where you are coming from (no judgement!). It really boils down to your upbringing and personality. Seems like you and your husband are just too different to make it work to everyone's satisfaction.

THe last two posts above are OP, sock puppeting. Barf.

I am absolutely not OP.

[Anonymous]

You are an immigrant who married a Trumper?