when you realize you can't be yourself with your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed that this dynamic increases in my marriage when DH is feeling down and/or like he is failing at work. I think it's a control thing--he can't control work, but he can control how I boil water or whatever. I think it's also a depression thing--it's 110% true that misery loves company.

OP here. I think this is also true in my situation. Although I think he's pretty happy at work-- he works for people who seem to appreciate him and bad situations like lousy projects or bosses, don't last long. I often feel like there's something else in his head he doesn't want to get into and that may be whey he likes to control a lot of ridiculous things. He'll want to get into a deep discussion over rearranging the kitchen but likes to avoid bigger picture things. But when those big picture things fail, all my fault.

[Anonymous]

People are always different and disagree on a lot of things. The point of being in love is having an incentive to look past things, either joke about it, not think about it too much, or work it out. If you're not in love then every single thing grates and is a big deal. Loveless marriage is like driving a car without shocks -- every little bump in the road rattles your bones. The problem is not that the road is bumpy, it's that you have no shock absorbers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are always different and disagree on a lot of things. The point of being in love is having an incentive to look past things, either joke about it, not think about it too much, or work it out. If you're not in love then every single thing grates and is a big deal. Loveless marriage is like driving a car without shocks -- every little bump in the road rattles your bones. The problem is not that the road is bumpy, it's that you have no shock absorbers.

OP again. Exactly. This is my problem. He approaches me in a loveless way. Nothing I do is right. One day he went off on me about baking a cake from scratch rather than just using one of the boxes of mix we had in the cabinet because, in his view "we didn't have time for that." Well, we did. We had plenty of time. I wanted to make something different. It all worked out. But he just had to be jerk about making a cake. This kind of crap happens at least every other day. I don't do anything right, nothing I say is correct, I'm always missing the mark... how the heck can I live this way. One day, he said I didn't act fast enough on something-- I think it was some little task like putting dishes away. And I said, well, every time I start to put them away it's not right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do? You realize they just don't get your sense of humor, you have to watch the words you use, feeling like you're always on eggshells, like there's just an extra something missing that you have with your close friends, male or female? Starting to feel like I need to assess how I want to spend the rest of my life, as if I'm just not 100% comfortable with him. For example, if I make a joke that's a little sarcastic, DH immediately takes offense and says something hurtful. But if I make the same joke to a good friend or close family member, they get it. Or, if I express an opinion that DH disagrees with, he's indignant and can't just let it roll off his back. Or, rather than just asking me to do a favor for him in a nice way, he says it in a commanding, annoyed roommate way?

We had this for a long while plus some other "issues." he got pysch tested and it was autism.
He doesn't get any jokes or plans, have to watch what u say since he can build up anger and let it go at anything, he has no friends, takes no initiative, no energy since he fakes it all day at work and then crashes at 8pm, never cares or asks about anything and likes to argue/ turn anything you've ever said to him against you.

not sure how much longer this will last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here. It sucks so bad.

I’ve just decided to live my life. I don’t watch what I say anymore or walk on eggshells. If he gets upset I don’t engage. If he wants something different for dinner, I make it for myself and let him feed the kids. No vacations for now due to COVID, but if we were, I’d just plan my own vacation. I make my own weekend plans.

He’s not happy about it, but at least he’s stopped arguing with me over everything. My guess is that within the next year he’ll meet someone, have an affair, and ask for a divorce. Which is fine with me.

Astounding variety of titles for yet another "sexless marriage" thread. He is already having that affair: be grateful because it has saved your marriage and keeps things peaceful.

Uh... did you not read what she wrote? Grateful for saving... that? Who in their right mind would wish for such a marriage? She wants him to leave. She wishes he would leave. She just doesn’t want to be the bad guy who initiates the split.

[Anonymous]

You already have one asshole.

Do you really need a second one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here. It sucks so bad.

I’ve just decided to live my life. I don’t watch what I say anymore or walk on eggshells. If he gets upset I don’t engage. If he wants something different for dinner, I make it for myself and let him feed the kids. No vacations for now due to COVID, but if we were, I’d just plan my own vacation. I make my own weekend plans.

He’s not happy about it, but at least he’s stopped arguing with me over everything. My guess is that within the next year he’ll meet someone, have an affair, and ask for a divorce. Which is fine with me.

Astounding variety of titles for yet another "sexless marriage" thread. He is already having that affair: be grateful because it has saved your marriage and keeps things peaceful.

Uh... did you not read what she wrote? Grateful for saving... that? Who in their right mind would wish for such a marriage? She wants him to leave. She wishes he would leave. She just doesn’t want to be the bad guy who initiates the split.

If she wanted to divorce, she would get divorced. But she prefers to stay sexlessly married. That’s only possible because of his affair. There is no bad guy here. Just 2 room mates staying together for the kids. And since normal men don’t go celibate, another woman is necessary for their relationship to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here. It sucks so bad.

I’ve just decided to live my life. I don’t watch what I say anymore or walk on eggshells. If he gets upset I don’t engage. If he wants something different for dinner, I make it for myself and let him feed the kids. No vacations for now due to COVID, but if we were, I’d just plan my own vacation. I make my own weekend plans.

He’s not happy about it, but at least he’s stopped arguing with me over everything. My guess is that within the next year he’ll meet someone, have an affair, and ask for a divorce. Which is fine with me.

Astounding variety of titles for yet another "sexless marriage" thread. He is already having that affair: be grateful because it has saved your marriage and keeps things peaceful.

Uh... did you not read what she wrote? Grateful for saving... that? Who in their right mind would wish for such a marriage? She wants him to leave. She wishes he would leave. She just doesn’t want to be the bad guy who initiates the split.

If she wanted to divorce, she would get divorced. But she prefers to stay sexlessly married. That’s only possible because of his affair. There is no bad guy here. Just 2 room mates staying together for the kids. And since normal men don’t go celibate, another woman is necessary for their relationship to continue.

I haven’t gotten divorced because he will make my life a living hell, even worse than it is now. It’s easier for me to give it a couple years and hope the divorce is his idea.

Things aren’t peaceful, I don’t want him to have an affair to save our marriage, I want him to have an affair so he’ll leave peacefully.

But thanks for the idea to withhold sex. I’ll try that and see if it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here. It sucks so bad.

I’ve just decided to live my life. I don’t watch what I say anymore or walk on eggshells. If he gets upset I don’t engage. If he wants something different for dinner, I make it for myself and let him feed the kids. No vacations for now due to COVID, but if we were, I’d just plan my own vacation. I make my own weekend plans.

He’s not happy about it, but at least he’s stopped arguing with me over everything. My guess is that within the next year he’ll meet someone, have an affair, and ask for a divorce. Which is fine with me.

Astounding variety of titles for yet another "sexless marriage" thread. He is already having that affair: be grateful because it has saved your marriage and keeps things peaceful.

Uh... did you not read what she wrote? Grateful for saving... that? Who in their right mind would wish for such a marriage? She wants him to leave. She wishes he would leave. She just doesn’t want to be the bad guy who initiates the split.

If she wanted to divorce, she would get divorced. But she prefers to stay sexlessly married. That’s only possible because of his affair. There is no bad guy here. Just 2 room mates staying together for the kids. And since normal men don’t go celibate, another woman is necessary for their relationship to continue.

Give it a rest. You show up in every thread to justify an affair. Just divorce already you coward. What an insufferable spouse you must be