when you realize you can't be yourself with your spouse

[Anonymous]

It sounds awful. The feeling of walking on eggshells is a huge red flag that something is terribly wrong.

For your kid’s sake, you need to pursue counseling. Both divorce AND being miserable in your marriage suck for your kids. Therapy can help navigate this. Maybe it will help you and your spouse realize the work you need to do to get your marriage back on track. And maybe it will help you both find your way out of it in a way that minimizes the stress on your kids. If he refuses to go, start going yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sounds exhausting. How long have you been married? When did he start behaving like this?

[Anonymous]

Have you asked why he does this and called out the behavior pattern? What does he say?

[Anonymous]

Not as extreme, but DH doesn’t appreciate my sense of humor. Other people think I’m hysterical, and I have a great time engaging them in witty banter. DH just kind of rolls his eyes. He’s not mean though, or angry. Just kind of deflating.

It bums me out but I just seek other outlets and people who appreciate that part of me. There’s no walking on eggshells though. I don’t think I could happily live with that.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP, no advice at this point. I have told my kids from very early on to look for a partner who you can completely be yourself with and that you like the person you are when you are with them.

[Anonymous]

Do either of you have ADD? He sounds as though he thinks you are disorganized or not doing your share of the chores. Also, people with ADD can say things in an attempt at humor that backfire or annoy.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Same thing here. He won’t go to therapy. We have nothing in common except our son. He is angry ALL the time and I am on eggshells all the time. We have become polar opposites politically and morally. The only thing that keeps me here is fear that it will be worse when I become the enemy in divorce. And the core of that is losing our child 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is about being synchronous or compatible.

He sounds like a mean bully.

[Anonymous]

So the bean counting, the tit for tat, killed my love for my xdh. He'd bring stuff up that had nothing to do with the argument we were having, and would always find ways to hit below the belt. I told him I thought he might be depressed, but he refused to treat it. When I left he flipped out. And I thought, why? You really don't like me. But imo, you OP had a huge hand in creating this mess, so you thinking deeply about how that happened seems important. You don't want that situation again if you leave, and if you stay, you need to take responsibility for your actions if you have any hope of being happy in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

May I ask, OP, were things like this while you were dating or pre-Covid? I hope it's just been 2020's stress that is causing your husband's behaviors, but even if it is, I do think counseling could help.

[Anonymous]

My MIL revels in any and all opportunities to play devil’s advocate, but she doesn’t make it apparent that it’s what she’s doing (in other words, you constantly think she is in complete, yelling disagreement with you). I know this is the case because I had a serious talk with my husband early in our relationship about the fact that we disagreed about everything, and he explained that he was taught to challenge everything growing up. Now that I know this is how he approaches things instinctively, I’ve gotten better about talking to him to reach compromise, and he’s done a lot of work on himself to unlearn the behavior in the first place. It was a real issue at first though.. this type of behavior makes for horrible social interactions and difficult to romantic ones, too. Maybe something similar is at play for you, too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. Same thing here. He won’t go to therapy. We have nothing in common except our son. He is angry ALL the time and I am on eggshells all the time. We have become polar opposites politically and morally. The only thing that keeps me here is fear that it will be worse when I become the enemy in divorce. And the core of that is losing our child 50% of the time.

Another platonic room mate sexless marriage and his affair keeps everything stable?

[Anonymous]

I've noticed that this dynamic increases in my marriage when DH is feeling down and/or like he is failing at work. I think it's a control thing--he can't control work, but he can control how I boil water or whatever. I think it's also a depression thing--it's 110% true that misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We go through days like this and then days when we finish each other’s sentences. I am trying to refrain from letting anything solidify during this craziness. If it’s gotten worse since mid-March, try to let it roll until the external crazy ends, if you can.

OP here. I'm trying. In addition to everything I listed above, things are starting to feel very transactional, again, as if I'm dealing with an annoyed roommate who has become very tit for tat. Lots of keeping score, like, "I made the kids lunch so you can make them dinner" (never mind that I was just about to get them pizza). Or, you went jogging so now it's MY turn. Ok, I get it, you don't have to be an a$$hole and act like I took a long girls weekend without your blessing because I went running for 20 minutes. There is always a feeling of accusation that makes me think he wants an argument. And I'm not a fight picker. I don't have the energy for it. I don't know... I'm starting to feel like there is a huge void that I can't spend the rest of my life staring at. I'm not looking for greener grass. It's more, how do you really want to live for the next 30 years?

One of my best friends married in the early 80s and moved away. We wrote to each other frequently. I remember her mentioning in a letter that some weeks she and her husband were just roommates, and looking back there were other signs of the eggshells, which wasn't really characteristic of her as a person. It all hit the fan when they were buying their house and the down payment had disappeared from the bank--he had spent it.

Two years later, she met a guy at her work--he worked in IT, she was a system admin who got called in one night for a crisis. She came in yelling and he was immediately smitten. They have been married now for approaching 30 years and are completely in synch. He has a wicked crazy sense of humor and they pretend to fight over his practical jokes but are absolutely devoted to each other and all her friends and family adore him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May I ask, OP, were things like this while you were dating or pre-Covid? I hope it's just been 2020's stress that is causing your husband's behaviors, but even if it is, I do think counseling could help.

OP here. Pre-Covid there was already some discomfort. I think there's always been a lack of a true soft place to fall. Lots of "I" language on his part, not "we," too. He knows what he wants and when it's also what I want, everything is great. When I start to disagree, well, then there's an uneasy feeling. I think Covid has really exacerbated things. We're stuck at home together more, of course. Stuff that was tolerable because I was able to get out of the house and decompress at work, even take a work trip or two, is becoming more and more intolerable. It's as if he's allowed to let it all hang out more and be who he is but the moment I don't fall into line, well, then there's a problem. Again, things have always felt a little too business-like and transactional.

As far as counseling goes, he wouldn't be into it. He'd probably just hurling a list of accusations at me and pointing out why everything including global warming is my fault.