How to be a good mother when mentally ill

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I'd start by ignoring all of the "raise yourself up by your own bootstraps" responses. I think people mean well, but they're so off the mark.

I grew up with parents who had mental health issues. They held it together well until they were in their 40s, and then things unraveled. I myself suffer from major anxiety.

I'll tell you right now that if concerns about your family are on your radar, they show volumes about your values (care for your family, your own interest in self-care).

I'd suggest that you not equate your success as a mother with "keeping up with household tasks." Far more important are the things that you listed that you are accomplishing (seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, and taking your meds). My parents did not do these things, and I wish they would have.

Something that you might consider now or down the line is having your own kids see a therapist. I'm doing this with my own children so that therapy, etc is in their "muscle memory." I do it in part because I know I'm not perfect as a mom, and I've learned a lot through the parenting guidance I've gotten from my kid's therapist. Also, because I know that my kids might end up with their mental health issues, I want them to know what to do.

Your job isn't to model perfection. It's to model perseverance and humanity. And I'll be honest: the most incredibly important thing my mom ever did for me was to love me unconditionally. I felt so loved and supported. That is within every parent's reach, but it's actually not easy to do. I doubt every parent--especially those fixated on their own children's achievement--can hit that mark.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I would start by offering yourself some self-compassion. Have you read any of Kristen Neff's work?

Mental illness is all around us. More people than not suffer mental illness at some point throughout their lives. Your illness is 1) diagnosed, and 2) being treated. That. is. huge.

Take care, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm a poster who said my mother's poor mental health negatively impacted me. It wasn't because the house was clean or dirty. It wasn't because I had take out/boxed food or gourmet food, it wasn't because I did my laundry or my mom did my laundry. It was because...

1. She refused to acknowledge she had mental health issues
2. She overreacted to everything to the point that I was fearful to say my opinion or how I felt about anything. I learned to lie from a young age. I had a wall built up for years because I never felt I could voice my feelings.
3. She was manipulative. I heard "you've made me so upset that I'm going to go for a drive and probably get in a car accident because I'm so upset". I can remember being 5 and hiding her keys and sobbing as she told me she was going to call an adoption agency and send me there. Anytime I spoke about how I felt, I was told it was my fault or she made me feel bad for feeling how I felt (oh I'm such a terrible mother. You'd be better off if I was dead)

So yeah OP. It's not the housekeeping that will ruin your kids lives. Keep doing what you're doing OP. You're doing a good job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a poster who said my mother's poor mental health negatively impacted me. It wasn't because the house was clean or dirty. It wasn't because I had take out/boxed food or gourmet food, it wasn't because I did my laundry or my mom did my laundry. It was because...

1. She refused to acknowledge she had mental health issues
2. She overreacted to everything to the point that I was fearful to say my opinion or how I felt about anything. I learned to lie from a young age. I had a wall built up for years because I never felt I could voice my feelings.
3. She was manipulative. I heard "you've made me so upset that I'm going to go for a drive and probably get in a car accident because I'm so upset". I can remember being 5 and hiding her keys and sobbing as she told me she was going to call an adoption agency and send me there. Anytime I spoke about how I felt, I was told it was my fault or she made me feel bad for feeling how I felt (oh I'm such a terrible mother. You'd be better off if I was dead)

So yeah OP. It's not the housekeeping that will ruin your kids lives. Keep doing what you're doing OP. You're doing a good job!

Curious what “mental health issues” your mom had. I know a lot of parents who say stupid things in frustration. Sarcasm isn’t awesome parenting for sure! I just didn’t realize it was a sign of illness. As to OP, I agree! Doing a great job, OP!! Sending you best thoughts!

[Anonymous]

0817 ...I'm the PP. Who knows...she never got diagnosed because she refused to see a therapist. And this wasn't sarcastic remarks. This was screaming in my face or grabbing keys and running out the door and revving the car in the garage ..this was getting a suitcase and telling me to pack as she pretended to call an adoption agency...this was clutching her chest and telling me I was giving her heart palpitations and was going to give her a heart attack because I told her she upset me.

I have memories of these instances as young as 5. None of this was sarcasm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0817 ...I'm the PP. Who knows...she never got diagnosed because she refused to see a therapist. And this wasn't sarcastic remarks. This was screaming in my face or grabbing keys and running out the door and revving the car in the garage ..this was getting a suitcase and telling me to pack as she pretended to call an adoption agency...this was clutching her chest and telling me I was giving her heart palpitations and was going to give her a heart attack because I told her she upset me.

I have memories of these instances as young as 5. None of this was sarcasm.

So sorry to hear you experienced this. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

dialectical behavioral therapy.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, my Dad is Bipolar. The biggest challenge was him being untreated. So, you are tackling that and I know it's not easy. Since you've only been on medication one year, the thing to remember is that you must stay on it, even if 10 years from now you are feeling so good you don't think you need iy. I agree with PP who said to have your trusted circle who will tell you if you are "off". You are on the right track. The house part is not super important, as long as you can help keep a home that is clean enough to be safe and hygenic for everyone. An I agree less clutter will probably be better for everyone's mental health. You may not be able to take on the bulk of the responsibilities right now, but you should keep trying to pitch in. As you continue to recover, you will probably find that you functioning improves and you can do more. How old are your kids? They should be doing age appropriate chores as well and this is good for them and their independence. Try a target of 30 minutes a day and create a schedule of things you will do. Also, the next best thing you can do is to create some structure in your life, which it sounds like work is providing you. Are you working full time? If you have flexibility, it may be best for you to work half days and then you can do house work and cook the rest of the day if this is best for the family. Keep making small steps and celebrate progress. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

Ignore the eugenicists.

One year in is early, early, early in terms of getting a combination of meds and therapy that work well in bipolar. Do not despair; do let your psychiatrist know that you feel you are not doing well.

NAMI has offerings for kids: https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/May-2019/Are-the-Kids-Really-Learning-About-Mental-Health

and they may need or want their own therapists. Watch their behavior for cues.

[Anonymous]

Forget any perfectionism around the house and food. If you love and support your kids, or always try to do so, and focus on your health, you can give your kids a stable home. Your kids can figure out housekeeping later.

[Anonymous]

1. It helps to be very honest with your children about what’s going on, and to have a very supportive spouse. Communication and self-awareness, as always, are critical. Obviously this is a disease where some patients have a hard time with self-awareness. Explain that too.

2. Don’t feel guilty about the mess, unless it rises to unsanitary or hoarding levels. It’s more important not to forget the family’s medical appointments, recitals, and other events. My husband and son have severe ADHD and I deal with mess on a daily basis.

3. My late FIL was bipolar at a time when such things were taboo and his bouts of irrational anger, lack of treatment and misunderstanding on all sides really hurt his family. When he was put on lithium, he improved dramatically. Often therapy does nothing if the right meds aren’t there. This is a physical disease - you need to try every med combo until you find the one that works best for you.

Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Medication alone can never solve everything. It's important to recognize that mental illness is a lifelong battle and treatment is never a linear process; there will always be periods of highs and lows, both of which are temporary, so never lose hope and try to keep things in perspective.

I think the key is honesty. Being honest with yourself, your partner, your children, and your providers. One of my professor's in graduate school said: "Never suffer alone." That has always resonated with me for some reason, as mental illness seems to have a tendency to drive us inwards, when really we need to do the opposite.

My mother is bipolar and found a hormone specialist at Johns Hopkins that really helped her as she began struggling with it more during menopause. The point being, there are so many treatment options out there and everyone is different, so you just need to keep working towards finding the right treatment(s) for you.

This too shall pass!

Hmm! As a child of a bipolar mom I never thought of this. Her first break was when I was a baby (huge hormonal shifts and my family blames everything on the stress of me—an unplanned extra). Then her second break was five years later with-coincidentally?-a hysterectomy. I think she started HRT right away (assuming so, and she’s still on it in her 80s!). I have two aunts and a cousin on my dads side with breast cancer so I didn’t even consider HRT. But I felt a huge mental shift (not in a good way) with menopause.

I have a friend who has been treated for depression for years. She had 8 kids before leaving her husband who refused to treat his BPD. I didn't meet her until she had all 8 and was a struggling single mom with no child support coming in, and I always wondered how the hell she had 8 kids before figuring out her husband was so off balance. But in her early 40s they started looking at hormonal things as well as the antidepressants she was on, and hormone treatment (I don't know what) made a huge different in her mood, and she said she figured out just why she'd had all those kids.

OP, I have dealt with major depression (technically they insist I'm bipolar all because of exactly one psychotic break in my late 20s which is 3 decades ago). I worried a lot about how that affected parenting, plus I'm very introverted. In a weird way I felt it was a good thing I had a hyper alert and fairly difficult child--not because of my illness (he came out of the womb that way, I guarantee ( unless because of prenatal environment), because his temperament gave me no opportunity to, well, ignore him as I might have done with another kind of child. I also wonder to what extent anxiety, which I also have/had, fostered an anxious temperament in him, for example I was empathetic to his anxiety and although I tried not to enable/coddle it I definitely did not dismiss it. I think I worked hard to consciously manage how I interacted with him. He had a decade or so (around 10 to 20 years of age) growing up that was pretty terrible, but he's done awesomely well as an adult. I also consciously encouraged him to look at other adults as additional resources, and a few really stepped up (within the appropriate context of their roles, e.g certain teachers and my sister).

It's also known through extensive research that parenting can really help an adult's mental status, in that even if you let the house go you HAVE to get up and get the child fed, off to school, etc. It forces certain responsibilities (the same research explicitly argues against assumptions that mental illness=unfitness in all situations where child professionals get involved, which historically has been a pretty strong bias). A parent who is aware of their mental health issues and seeking help is taking steps that extend into their knowledge of their children's mental health needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I'd start by ignoring all of the "raise yourself up by your own bootstraps" responses. I think people mean well, but they're so off the mark.

I grew up with parents who had mental health issues. They held it together well until they were in their 40s, and then things unraveled. I myself suffer from major anxiety.

I'll tell you right now that if concerns about your family are on your radar, they show volumes about your values (care for your family, your own interest in self-care).

I'd suggest that you not equate your success as a mother with "keeping up with household tasks." Far more important are the things that you listed that you are accomplishing (seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, and taking your meds). My parents did not do these things, and I wish they would have.

Something that you might consider now or down the line is having your own kids see a therapist. I'm doing this with my own children so that therapy, etc is in their "muscle memory." I do it in part because I know I'm not perfect as a mom, and I've learned a lot through the parenting guidance I've gotten from my kid's therapist. Also, because I know that my kids might end up with their mental health issues, I want them to know what to do.

Your job isn't to model perfection. It's to model perseverance and humanity. And I'll be honest: the most incredibly important thing my mom ever did for me was to love me unconditionally. I felt so loved and supported. That is within every parent's reach, but it's actually not easy to do. I doubt every parent--especially those fixated on their own children's achievement--can hit that mark.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I would start by offering yourself some self-compassion. Have you read any of Kristen Neff's work?

Mental illness is all around us. More people than not suffer mental illness at some point throughout their lives. Your illness is 1) diagnosed, and 2) being treated. That. is. huge.

Take care, OP.

Absolutely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Purge and downsize material stuff. The less you have the easier it is to stay on top of it. Fewer clothing means less to put away. Only having enough toys that can be put properly away in storage bins on shelves. Buy something new, something old has to be donated. You would be amazed at how less stuff alleviates so much stress of keeping up with the mess.

It is not going to fix the feeling but it will help you feel more like you are on top of it.

This is actually really helpful and practical advice. An environment that isn’t stressful actually DOES help the feelings of being overwhelmed, and this is a goal that OP can work towards.

I agree.

The other thing I'd bring up -- and I think this is really, really important -- don't deny reality. Don't rewrite history in your head and invalidate the actual experiences of your kids.

There is a blurred line here where not remembering gets smushed in with not wanting it to be true. It may be very hard for you to live with what you might do during bad episodes or flares, but your kids had to live through it, too. Even if it's hard to admit to yourself (much less others), find a way to do that. If you truly don't remember, don't assume nothing bad happened.

My mother knew she abused me during her worst episodes. She was frantic about saying things like "your father and I never hit you." I don't know where she thought I grew up, but I still have scars. I could deal with her illness and abuse, but it was terribly hard to be told that I was lying and that what happened to me was something I made up. Find a way not to do that. It was so lonely, and I didn't trust myself or my ability to name abuse and leave it after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet the people criticizing you for posting at 2AM are the same people who are posting at 2AM about their own insomnia and anxiety about everything from the pandemic to whether their kid will get in to private school. Your post does not sound manic! You sound like a rational, self-aware, loving parent! I am cheering for you!

Also, you said you were in treatment and never said your kids were unsafe, so everyone who’s clutching their pearls and saying to do whatever it takes to “keep your kids safe” can also buzz right off!

I think the advice to declutter and to hire help if you can is the most helpful.

Sending you biggest love and believing you have everything it takes to be a very excellent mother!

DP. I appreciate that you are trying to be supportive, but for someone with a diagnosed illness like this, the context is different. Please do not minimize it.

[Anonymous]

The key is teaching them to recognize their own weaknesses too. So your area of weakness is the house. You should own it - tell them that you know that you are weak in this area and that you need to rely on them to help. Even from a young age, they will pitch in. Then tell them they need to recognize that they will have weaknesses too and to find help for those weaknesses. It's only damaging if we ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist - but we all have areas where we need others.