How to be a good mother when mentally ill
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Anonymous
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I'm a mother who is bipolar and can (barely) hold a job but can't keep up with household tasks. There has been improvement in my temperament since starting medication a year ago but I just can't keep up with cleaning, laundry, cooking, kids, and work (housekeeper, etc. does not fit my budget). I see a psychiatrist and therapist and take medication, but I know I'm not doing well and have lost hope in medication alone solving my problems.
Many people here comment that their mothers were mentally ill and the harm this caused them. How can I help my kid's story be different? |
Anonymous
| I think honesty about your limitations is important. Also do whatever it takes to keep your kids safe even if it means sending them to live with relatives |
Anonymous
| Can you live somewhere that your partner could support the household alone? |
Anonymous
Thank you for your suggestion. His job is very tied to this area but he does mostly support the household. I make a fifth what he does. Mostly, I work because it helps me function overall. |
Anonymous
| Sending the best to you! Thank you for being caring for your kids! I don't have an easy solution for you and haven't been in your shoes, but I can tell you care from your post and that goes a long way. I can also tell you that as a Mom who does not have bipolar disorder, I also find it difficult to keep up with kids, work, housecleaning and laundry. It's not just folks with mental illness who struggle with that, so be sure to cut yourself some slack if the house isn't looking perfect or if the laundry is piling up. There are lots of tips and tricks on this website on keeping the mess at bay if those help. Sending love to you. |
Anonymous
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PP here. Check out this post to help prevent mess in the first place. Enlist your kids and hubby to help if possible: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/922273.page
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Anonymous
| Sending you warm wishes and hugs. My mother was bipolar and schizophrenic and my sister and I turned out great! It’s very hard having a mentally ill mother but what saved us was having two loving parents, one of which was not mentally ill, and an extended family that could watch over us when my mom was hospitalized or unable to function. If my mom had stopped taking her meds, that would have been most all of the time. For the sake of your children, please don’t give up on medication and tell your psychiatrist why you feel the current mix is not helping enough. When my mom was “at her best,” she was loving, kind, and medicated. My heart goes out to you and your family. The fact that you want to be well for your kids (and have a co-parent) tells me you’ve got the strength and grit and support to do this. FWIW, my family lived near the poverty line and it all still worked out for us somehow. The last thing my Dad would cut were my Mom’s psychiatrist fees. |
Anonymous
| PS I noticed you wrote this at 2:30 in the morning. Not sleeping can mean the beginning of a bipolar episode. PLEASE for your kids contact your psychiatrist TODAY to address your sleep and symptoms. For your kids! |
Anonymous
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There is a "second shift" of housework expected of women. Lots of unpaid extra work. Your spouse needs to do equal, if not more. Some tasks can also slide and it's possible to be flexible about that. (That said, it's tough, I do way too much of the housework myself..)
As a mom who also has a bipolar diagnosis, I think there is some lack of awareness and inappropriate statements about mental health conditions on this board. These attitudes are going away with younger generations and many others in society. I read this board lately for schools information and find some of the mental health comments ignorant. I think people should be ashamed to post such things, and society is increasingly not putting up with this kind of narrow mindedness. Don't let anyone tell you you should be ashamed due to a medical condition - it's them who should be ashamed. Bipolar is also used as a slur by too many, so it's hard to say if every person said to have it was really diagnosed (or diagnosable) with bipolar. Or are they mixing it up with borderline personality (BPD), a completely different condition which is not even under the mood disorder umbrella. Without knowing more, it's hard to say. I'd ignore the poster who says give up your kids, that's really offensive and unwarranted to me. I am no expert on getting a DH to do his part. But maybe write out the minimum that needs to be done, and divide up tasks with your spouse? So many articles now on second shift and how much unpaid work women are doing can help make your case. Sending all of my best to you! |
Anonymous
I am the 07:31 pp who also has a bipolar dx. Yes, if OP is on the East Coast. Good sleep is everything! Avoid blue light before bed too (phones, tv). That applies to all too, including those without a bipolar dx. It can actually be a factor in bringing on certain conditions that might not have occurred otherwise. |
Anonymous
| Realize that no parents are perfect. My mom had serious coping issues including alcoholism which made me so angry at times. But she always told us and showed us she loved us. She was literally the best mom I could have asked for. She couldn’t really do housework and while she had shame about it and so we did too it really wasn’t a big deal in retrospect. She was smart clever funny took us on lots of adventures. Focus on the things you love doing together, being honest about what you can’t do and why, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Kids’ love is so resilient and accepting. |
Anonymous
As pp who mentioned the sleep this is a sign of an episode, you need to contact your psychiatrist or the hotline to the office now. You may consider a therapist on top of a psychiatrist and medication, specifically one that will target lifestyle. You help your kids by taking care of yourself this means continuing to see the professionals and being honest with them and taking your medication consistently and if you feel it's no longer helpful being truthful so the does can be adjusted or you can try another medicine. |
Anonymous
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Could you keep track of kids and work fine? Is it mostly the housekeeping and chores that you can't keep up with?
I would say that your husband should pick up the slack here, just like he would if you had a "physical" illness. Presumably he knew you had a mental illness when he married you? Also, you could try paring down your household to bare basics so it's easier to keep track of. Make a meal plan of REALLY EASY meals on a two week rotation with accompanying grocery lists. Make your household super minimalist. |
Anonymous
| Mental illness runs in my family and the best advice I can offer for the your family: it’s your issue, not theirs. If you have a mental health problem it is yours, not your children’s, not your spouse’s, not society’s. That means you have to do whatever is necessary (take your medication, do your work) to take ownership of yourself and your mind. It is awesome if you have loved ones who accommodate you and help, but at the end of the day, it’s your job to make sure you are the best parent and spouse and person you can be. |
Anonymous
People with mental illness who have proper supports can be excellent parents. The OP is asking what supports she needs. The fact that she’s reaching out for help tells me she’s likely a better parent than one without mental illness who thinks they are infallible. |