How to be a good mother when mentally ill

[Anonymous]

NP here. Medication alone can never solve everything. It's important to recognize that mental illness is a lifelong battle and treatment is never a linear process; there will always be periods of highs and lows, both of which are temporary, so never lose hope and try to keep things in perspective.

I think the key is honesty. Being honest with yourself, your partner, your children, and your providers. One of my professor's in graduate school said: "Never suffer alone." That has always resonated with me for some reason, as mental illness seems to have a tendency to drive us inwards, when really we need to do the opposite.

My mother is bipolar and found a hormone specialist at Johns Hopkins that really helped her as she began struggling with it more during menopause. The point being, there are so many treatment options out there and everyone is different, so you just need to keep working towards finding the right treatment(s) for you.

This too shall pass!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should mentally ill people be having children?

This is a seriously ignorant response. Don't you have a eugenics forum to espouse your BS on?

[Anonymous]

Purge and downsize material stuff. The less you have the easier it is to stay on top of it. Fewer clothing means less to put away. Only having enough toys that can be put properly away in storage bins on shelves. Buy something new, something old has to be donated. You would be amazed at how less stuff alleviates so much stress of keeping up with the mess.

It is not going to fix the feeling but it will help you feel more like you are on top of it.

[Anonymous]

Can you get a higher paying job so you can afford a cleaning lady once a week?

Also, view housework as time to relax. I play music while I wash dishes and fold laundry. You really just have to push yourself.

I grew up with a depressed and paranoid mother who was socially awkward, and it took me over a decade after moving out to re-teach myself how to be social, with the help of very kind friends who would tell me things I had never picked up because I had so little experience being social.

I grew up in a house with a mother who was in extreme denial - she always claimed she worked SO hard being a stay at home mom but ... she didn't. If we were home sick we just laid in bed or on the couch watching tv - we got our own food, would ask if we could take tylenol or our medicine (or after around age 7 or 8, figure it out ourselves).

When my brother and I moved out and then went home to visit, we were horrified by how disgusting the house was. Our dad worked full time and did all the errands and laundry and most cooking. I scrubbed the bathroom to get it clean enough we were comfortable using it, and my brother did the same with the kitchen.

I have sympathy for your situation, but you just really need to push yourself - either to get a higher paying job that will let you afford to hire help once or twice a week, or to do the housework yourself.

My brother and I will not stay at our parents house, and visit them less than once a year. We have sympathy for our mother but can not spend much time with her because it is a disaster for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Purge and downsize material stuff. The less you have the easier it is to stay on top of it. Fewer clothing means less to put away. Only having enough toys that can be put properly away in storage bins on shelves. Buy something new, something old has to be donated. You would be amazed at how less stuff alleviates so much stress of keeping up with the mess.

It is not going to fix the feeling but it will help you feel more like you are on top of it.

This is actually really helpful and practical advice. An environment that isn’t stressful actually DOES help the feelings of being overwhelmed, and this is a goal that OP can work towards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness runs in my family and the best advice I can offer for the your family: it’s your issue, not theirs. If you have a mental health problem it is yours, not your children’s, not your spouse’s, not society’s. That means you have to do whatever is necessary (take your medication, do your work) to take ownership of yourself and your mind. It is awesome if you have loved ones who accommodate you and help, but at the end of the day, it’s your job to make sure you are the best parent and spouse and person you can be.

Pretty much this. YOu chose to get married and you chose to have kids, it's unfair to put the bulk of the responsibilities on them, you have to do your part for the team, and that means you take your meds see your doctors, get therapy, maybe even a life coach to help you figure out ways to plan tasks so that they are not so overwhelming, plan out goals for each day.

[Anonymous]

Am I the first person to ask why most or all of the housework and cooking is falling on you? When I've struggled, I've asked my spouse to step with the organizational stuff and figure out what needs to be done. Then we divide the tasks and have time when we are both doing the agreed upon tasks at the same time. We see what we can get done in two hours on Sat or a half-hour after dinner. You don't need a diagnosis to struggle when you are one person fighting the mess created by a household.

Hopefully you have supportive people in your life. You might also talk to your therapist about developing positive self-talk and not catastrophizing.

[Anonymous]

In addition to being honest with your psychiatrist, consistently taking meds and therapy. See if you can rework your budget to get some household help, a housecleaner 1-2 days a week doesn't have to be expensive. And even if it means pitching pennies a bit it might be worth it to help you and the household function better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness runs in my family and the best advice I can offer for the your family: it’s your issue, not theirs. If you have a mental health problem it is yours, not your children’s, not your spouse’s, not society’s. That means you have to do whatever is necessary (take your medication, do your work) to take ownership of yourself and your mind. It is awesome if you have loved ones who accommodate you and help, but at the end of the day, it’s your job to make sure you are the best parent and spouse and person you can be.

Pretty much this. YOu chose to get married and you chose to have kids, it's unfair to put the bulk of the responsibilities on them, you have to do your part for the team, and that means you take your meds see your doctors, get therapy, maybe even a life coach to help you figure out ways to plan tasks so that they are not so overwhelming, plan out goals for each day.

If OP had talking about placing her emotional burdens on her kids, I'd be with you, but in the context of housework the above is such bullsh*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mother who is bipolar and can (barely) hold a job but can't keep up with household tasks. There has been improvement in my temperament since starting medication a year ago but I just can't keep up with cleaning, laundry, cooking, kids, and work (housekeeper, etc. does not fit my budget). I see a psychiatrist and therapist and take medication, but I know I'm not doing well and have lost hope in medication alone solving my problems.

Many people here comment that their mothers were mentally ill and the harm this caused them. How can I help my kid's story be different?

You have to find balance. Kids care more about you being there and being present compared to having a sparkling house. That doesnt mean you can live in a hovel.

If you arent managing you may need different meds. I speak from experience.

Regardless of your mental illness, the burden of housekeeping and cooking and cleaning is not yours to bear unless you are a single.mother.

How old are your kids? How many? Do you have a partner? You need to be organized to parent and sometimes that means pharmacuetical help for some people. I struggle with prioritization and organization when my meds arent right.

Have you been evaluated for add/ADHD? Many people who suffer from bipolar have add/ADHD and some people who have ADHD have bipolar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Purge and downsize material stuff. The less you have the easier it is to stay on top of it. Fewer clothing means less to put away. Only having enough toys that can be put properly away in storage bins on shelves. Buy something new, something old has to be donated. You would be amazed at how less stuff alleviates so much stress of keeping up with the mess.

It is not going to fix the feeling but it will help you feel more like you are on top of it.

This is actually really helpful and practical advice. An environment that isn’t stressful actually DOES help the feelings of being overwhelmed, and this is a goal that OP can work towards.

+2 I totally agree

[Anonymous]

I bet the people criticizing you for posting at 2AM are the same people who are posting at 2AM about their own insomnia and anxiety about everything from the pandemic to whether their kid will get in to private school. Your post does not sound manic! You sound like a rational, self-aware, loving parent! I am cheering for you!

Also, you said you were in treatment and never said your kids were unsafe, so everyone who’s clutching their pearls and saying to do whatever it takes to “keep your kids safe” can also buzz right off!

I think the advice to declutter and to hire help if you can is the most helpful.

Sending you biggest love and believing you have everything it takes to be a very excellent mother!

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any personal experience in this area but my instinct is that you should pick one small area to be “good” at. Maybe it’s making sure your kids always have at least a good breakfast. Maybe it’s helping them make their beds every day. Maybe it’s making sure you spend 15 minutes before bed every night tidying the main room they spend time in or making sure their bathroom sink isn’t gross. Focus on one thing you can control, and which doesn’t feel overwhelming. Your kids will be ok with a messy house, or eating lots of frozen meals. They need to know you love them and are paying attention to them.

That you even posted this means you are a good mom. We are all just doing the best we can. Good luck, and I hope things get easier for you.

[Anonymous]

My mom has a significant mental illness. She was a wonderful mom when I was a little kid, a little flighty, but very fun and loving. I wish I did project swith my kid like she did with me. My hard years with her was when she had very poor psychiatrist care, was inappropriately medicated, I think my dad just tried to ignore that because he felt overwhelmed and out of his depth, everyone else just ignored her very obvious struggles because they were embarrassed or didn't want to shame her. Having mental illness doesn't mean you can't be a good parent, but I would ask your DH and maybe a close friend or relative to be really honest if you seem off. If you ever need to do a partial program or a full in patient program to get a reset, there is no shame in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Medication alone can never solve everything. It's important to recognize that mental illness is a lifelong battle and treatment is never a linear process; there will always be periods of highs and lows, both of which are temporary, so never lose hope and try to keep things in perspective.

I think the key is honesty. Being honest with yourself, your partner, your children, and your providers. One of my professor's in graduate school said: "Never suffer alone." That has always resonated with me for some reason, as mental illness seems to have a tendency to drive us inwards, when really we need to do the opposite.

My mother is bipolar and found a hormone specialist at Johns Hopkins that really helped her as she began struggling with it more during menopause. The point being, there are so many treatment options out there and everyone is different, so you just need to keep working towards finding the right treatment(s) for you.

This too shall pass!

Hmm! As a child of a bipolar mom I never thought of this. Her first break was when I was a baby (huge hormonal shifts and my family blames everything on the stress of me—an unplanned extra). Then her second break was five years later with-coincidentally?-a hysterectomy. I think she started HRT right away (assuming so, and she’s still on it in her 80s!). I have two aunts and a cousin on my dads side with breast cancer so I didn’t even consider HRT. But I felt a huge mental shift (not in a good way) with menopause.