Reply to WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree this is non-tenable.

What I would do is push past "I'll do better" as a response to the household stuff. That's useless, as you know. He needs to have a few spheres that he handles 100% completely on his own and you don't touch. Keep in mind - this will be hard for you, as he WILL NOT do them as well as you. You need to be strategic, both of you, as to what these could be. If I were you, I'd go into this with a few ideas of spheres that would work, but I wouldn't name them, at least not to start. Think in terms of consequences for you - if he's in charge of summer camps, they won't happen, and that'll stress you out, so that's off the table. What about laundry? Especially during Covid, that's not a bad place to start - a kid (or you) wearing dirty underwear inside out for a day while the laundry finishes is probably manageable in the short term. Or what about DL? It's elementary school, no one's batting 1000, so maybe that's something he could take on. Cooking? Kids won't die from pancakes and Mac and cheese for a few months. These are just examples - think through what YOU could manage watching him fail at. Then restart the conversation. Here's a basic script:

You: I'm still doing 90% of the kid and household management while we both work, and this is completely unfair. If I'm going to keep doing this, I want to go part time.
Him: No, I don't want to do that. I'll do better about household stuff.
You: Okay. We've had this conversation before, and "better" only lasts a few weeks. I need you to take over a few kid/household tasks for you to handle independently. What are some things you could do?
Him: Umm, I dunno. I could cook sometimes? 
You: Great - why don't you take over making breakfasts and lunches for the kids, and providing dinner on Tuesdays and Thursday. Does that work?
Him: Umm, Tuesdays is my favorite TV show. 
You: Okay - Mondays and Thursdays. What else?
Him: What else? Umm...I don't know.
You: How about distance learning? Or laundry? 
Him: I have too many meetings and I don't know how to do laundry.
You: I can teach you to do laundry this weekend! That's easy. 
Him: Okay.

Then... the hard part. Once you show him how to do laundry, tell him to get you a list of what groceries he needs by, say, 10am on Sunday so you can do the shopping, that's IT. You're done.

When you go to put on your second to last pair of underwear or clean shirt, say "hey, FYI, I've got one more pair of underwear left" then say NOTHING. You see the clothes sitting in the wash for two days. You say nothing. Then, when there's no undies left, you walk up to him and say "I don't have any clean underwear" and you just stand there. Wait for HIM to solve the problem. "Um I guess you'll have to wear dirty ones." Okay, then that's what you're doing. At lunchtime, send the kids to him. Kids say "Mom, what's for lunch?" you say "ask dad." He comes out and says "What should I give the kids for lunch?" you say, "I dunno" and go back to what you're doing. He'll have to make a bunch of impromptu grocery store runs. That's life. Give it at least two months. There will be growing pains. But - you get one of two options: 1) Two months later, he's doing it to some basic minimum standard, and you never have to think about those things again. Bliss. Or 2) It's a completely failure and/or he hates it. Well. Now can say "that was a disaster. I'm dropping to PT" and that's that. Win/win. [/quote]

I did this. I really did (in part because I had to as a junior associate in biglaw). [b]He didn't start doing better a few months later, we just started living in the endless chaos of dirty underwear and emergency grocery store runs. Oh, and anything that he takes over, he magically finds the money to outsource.[/b] Like laundry, which was supposed to be his thing. Today's panic was getting laundry to the laundry service pickup truck because he forgot to set it out last night. [/quote]

OP here. This is exactly what my H would do. That's kind of why I feel so resentful about the part time thing. It's not really about the money with him, it's more his perception of "fairness" and that I'd be getting something he wouldn't and really values (more time off work). Of course, if it were him working part time, he'd be using his increased free time to play more golf and video games, not cleaning or teaching the kids.

Do you feel happier not having to worry about the laundry or no?[/quote]

Yes I feel happier but mind you half the time I’m the one shouting “the laundry service is here oh god where are the bags?!” So it isn’t so much that he took it over, but that he felt responsible enough for it to hire help. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics