How to tell my friend grappling with infertility that I’m pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

Don’t think anyone has remotely said that OP shouldn’t show joy and happiness, or that she should be ashamed. She asked how to avoid hurting her friend, and has had people telling her of their experiences and what would have been least hurtful to them.

Your situation was completely different. I really don’t think most people here are advocating lying. Just being sensitive about how you tell.

I am so sorry for your family’s loss.

Thank you pp for your sympathy. However this one person gave the impression that op shouldn't be joyful:

“I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”[

[Anonymous]

OP, it's hard to predict who won't do well with your transitions, regardless of what the transition is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

Don’t think anyone has remotely said that OP shouldn’t show joy and happiness, or that she should be ashamed. She asked how to avoid hurting her friend, and has had people telling her of their experiences and what would have been least hurtful to them.

Your situation was completely different. I really don’t think most people here are advocating lying. Just being sensitive about how you tell.

I am so sorry for your family’s loss.

Thank you pp for your sympathy. However this one person gave the impression that op shouldn't be joyful:

“I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”[

I was the writer in that circumstance. My friend, in that case, had a horrifying 2nd trimester loss. I didn’t feel “not joyful”—I was telling her she didn’t have to worry about my Facebook posts showing up on her feed like grenades or me bringing up baby names over lunch in our workplace cafeteria. It worked for us. You do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

I’m sorry, am I understanding this right? You announced your pregnancy to your SIL at her own baby’s funeral? WTF?

[Anonymous]

I've been your in your friend's shoes for a while and my best friend handled this so well by her demeanor. She was full of love and support of me and my goals but she had zero pity. I would have been hurt if she hid details or even her happiness from me (again, it would have felt like pity). She kept it in check and wasn't overly giddy in a self-absorbed way about her news. All through her pregnancy we had a nice balance of pregnany talk and non-pregnancy talk. I love my friend and was there for her, no matter what. Even when it stung once in a while.

These are my personal feelings on this topic in case it helps OP. Eveyone is different.

[Anonymous]

When I spent years struggling with infertility -- I never minded a friend becoming pregnant. It was the jokes about getting pregnant -- "My husband just looks at me and I become pregnant!" "I can't even be in the same room as my husband or I will become pregnant" Or the worst for me - when someone's baby is crying or a toddler throwing a temper tantrum: "Sure you want a baby? You can have one of mine!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

I’m sorry, am I understanding this right? You announced your pregnancy to your SIL at her own baby’s funeral? WTF?

NP. TO me this sounded like SIL asked if she was going to have another baby, and the PP confirmed yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

Don’t think anyone has remotely said that OP shouldn’t show joy and happiness, or that she should be ashamed. She asked how to avoid hurting her friend, and has had people telling her of their experiences and what would have been least hurtful to them.

Your situation was completely different. I really don’t think most people here are advocating lying. Just being sensitive about how you tell.

I am so sorry for your family’s loss.

Thank you pp for your sympathy. However this one person gave the impression that op shouldn't be joyful:

“I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”[

PP has already said that she isn’t going to be spamming her Facebook page with cutesy pregnancy photos. If PP needed to express her joy via the medium of Facebook, then she could leave that part out of what I think is otherwise a warm and respectful statement. But I really don’t think she is, she doesn’t seem the type. You are not implying that PP should be expressing her joy about it in person with her infertile friend, are you?

[Anonymous]

OP- I had a similar situation with a very close friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a couple years and shared with me about a traumatic miscarriage she had toward the end of her first trimester of pregnancy last fall. I found out I was pregnant (FTM) around the December holidays. We text pretty regularly, so when I was about 16 weeks or so, we were texting and I just bit the bullet and texted something like "Wanted to let you know I'm pregnant. About 16 weeks." She called me right away and was like "that's not something you text!" and was incredibly warm and lovely about it. I was VERY nervous about doing it I have to say. I love this friend dearly, she would be an incredible mother, and I felt guilt because I got pregnant quickly and especially earlier in the pregnancy, felt kind of ambivalent and nervous about it. I couldn't help thinking she deserves this more, she wants it more, it's not fair. I totally underestimated her response. Throughout my pregnancy, we've kept texting normally, sometimes about pregnancy, the fertility treatment she's trying, and then just normal life stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

Don’t think anyone has remotely said that OP shouldn’t show joy and happiness, or that she should be ashamed. She asked how to avoid hurting her friend, and has had people telling her of their experiences and what would have been least hurtful to them.

Your situation was completely different. I really don’t think most people here are advocating lying. Just being sensitive about how you tell.

I am so sorry for your family’s loss.

Thank you pp for your sympathy. However this one person gave the impression that op shouldn't be joyful:

“I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”[

I was the writer in that circumstance. My friend, in that case, had a horrifying 2nd trimester loss. I didn’t feel “not joyful”—I was telling her she didn’t have to worry about my Facebook posts showing up on her feed like grenades or me bringing up baby names over lunch in our workplace cafeteria. It worked for us. You do you.

YOu sti


I'm the pp. When you write the bolded you might as well say F YOU. Sorry but,your example is not what the op is writing about. You can't compare a pregnancy loss and not getting pregnant at all. Op should be allowed to write anything she wants on her Facebook. She did not get pregnant to spite her friend and she should be allowed the freedom d to be joyful and share news with other people, including being a "chatterbox" and showing sonograms if she chooses

Op sounds like a lovely person and I'm sure she will do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

Don’t think anyone has remotely said that OP shouldn’t show joy and happiness, or that she should be ashamed. She asked how to avoid hurting her friend, and has had people telling her of their experiences and what would have been least hurtful to them.

Your situation was completely different. I really don’t think most people here are advocating lying. Just being sensitive about how you tell.

I am so sorry for your family’s loss.

Thank you pp for your sympathy. However this one person gave the impression that op shouldn't be joyful:

“I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”[

PP has already said that she isn’t going to be spamming her Facebook page with cutesy pregnancy photos. If PP needed to express her joy via the medium of Facebook, then she could leave that part out of what I think is otherwise a warm and respectful statement. But I really don’t think she is, she doesn’t seem the type. You are not implying that PP should be expressing her joy about it in person with her infertile friend, are you?

pp Ii am not suggesting she be GLEEFUL that she is pregnant and her friend is not. But, I am not saying she should be DEPRESSED either. Maybe you don't get the difference, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

I’m sorry, am I understanding this right? You announced your pregnancy to your SIL at her own baby’s funeral? WTF?

NP. TO me this sounded like SIL asked if she was going to have another baby, and the PP confirmed yes.

Awful timing to confirm her pregnancy at the funeral of a baby. She could have waited for another time - literally ANY OTHER TIME. It doesn’t matter that she was being honest. Jesus Murphy. I assume PP is either a cold bitch or has a problem reading social situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

Don’t think anyone has remotely said that OP shouldn’t show joy and happiness, or that she should be ashamed. She asked how to avoid hurting her friend, and has had people telling her of their experiences and what would have been least hurtful to them.

Your situation was completely different. I really don’t think most people here are advocating lying. Just being sensitive about how you tell.

I am so sorry for your family’s loss.

Thank you pp for your sympathy. However this one person gave the impression that op shouldn't be joyful:

“I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”[

PP has already said that she isn’t going to be spamming her Facebook page with cutesy pregnancy photos. If PP needed to express her joy via the medium of Facebook, then she could leave that part out of what I think is otherwise a warm and respectful statement. But I really don’t think she is, she doesn’t seem the type. You are not implying that PP should be expressing her joy about it in person with her infertile friend, are you?

pp Ii am not suggesting she be GLEEFUL that she is pregnant and her friend is not. But, I am not saying she should be DEPRESSED either. Maybe you don't get the difference, eh?

OP wasn't asking for advice about her general demeanor, or whether she should enjoy her pregnancy. She was asking specifically about communicating with her infertile friend. That's not the place for her to be joyful, although she certainly doesn't need to act depressed -- she needs to be simple, warm, and factual. I'm not sure why you're so upset about that. There are times and places for her to joyfully celebrate her pregnancy. While communicating with her infertile friend is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

I’m sorry, am I understanding this right? You announced your pregnancy to your SIL at her own baby’s funeral? WTF?

NP. TO me this sounded like SIL asked if she was going to have another baby, and the PP confirmed yes.

Awful timing to confirm her pregnancy at the funeral of a baby. She could have waited for another time - literally ANY OTHER TIME. It doesn’t matter that she was being honest. Jesus Murphy. I assume PP is either a cold bitch or has a problem reading social situations.

Yeah, that was bad timing. Answering the question honestly didn't require announcing the birth.

"Are you going to have another child?"
"Yeah, we want another."
[Switch conversations topics here.]

[Anonymous]

I just want to say thank you for being such a considerate friend. My best friend was the most inconsiderate person ever when telling me she was pregnant multiple times (usually involved her crying to me about being pregnant). I would have so appreciated having a friend like you. Enjoy your trip and congratulations on your third!!