How to tell my friend grappling with infertility that I’m pregnant?

[Anonymous]

My dear, best friend has been struggling with infertility for about 10 years. She is very private, so I don’t know where she is in the process at all. She rarely shares details with me; she never shares with anyone else. It’s hard.

This is my third. With the others I sent an email, but I don’t remember what I said. What should the subject say?...”open when you’re ready”? “News”?

We are supposed to see each other next week; I’ll be 13 weeks. I feel terrible, although she’s a beautiful friend and will still meet up, but should I give her space if she doesn’t want to?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations. Gently via email so she has time to process her feelings. She will be thrilled for you yet sad for herself. It will be very painful for her. True friendships can navigate this but she made need some space. Please Consult infertility board for more advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations. Gently via email so she has time to process her feelings. She will be thrilled for you yet sad for herself. It will be very painful for her. True friendships can navigate this but she made need some space. Please Consult infertility board for more advice.

+1. Send her a brief email with a matter-of-fact tone, not overly excited or cheerful. If you're meeting her next week, send the email sooner than later so she has ample time to sort through her feelings. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. I would like ideas for specifically what to say.

"I'm pregnant. I'm due in January. Love, Larla" seems too simple...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations. Gently via email so she has time to process her feelings. She will be thrilled for you yet sad for herself. It will be very painful for her. True friendships can navigate this but she made need some space. Please Consult infertility board for more advice.

I didn't want to ask there because I didn't know how it would be received. I was assuming some women here have been through infertility.

[Anonymous]

My best friend used the subject “News”. We were in pretty much the same situation.

The email itself says something along the lines of “Larla, I want to let you know that I am pregnant and due in January. If do you want to talk I’m around, and if you don’t I’m still around.”

Don’t go on about how mentally fragile she must be, or about how bad you feel about it. Just tell her simply over email and give her time to process. Assume that you are keeping your date next week, but don’t be offended if she cancels and don’t ask why. When you see her, let her be the one to bring up the pregnancy. And it would be kind if you didn’t wear something skin tight.

Best of luck to both of you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and on being a good friend.

[Anonymous]

P.S. As soon as I saw the subject line, I knew what the email was about. If this is your third kid, on some level she is braced for it.

[Anonymous]

Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

I disagree. The odds are she'd find out from someone else. Tell her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

We are close, and see each other every few weeks. I cannot hide it because it's my third. We are "vacationing" in her town next week and i'll see her a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend used the subject “News”. We were in pretty much the same situation.

The email itself says something along the lines of “Larla, I want to let you know that I am pregnant and due in January. If do you want to talk I’m around, and if you don’t I’m still around.”

Don’t go on about how mentally fragile she must be, or about how bad you feel about it. Just tell her simply over email and give her time to process. Assume that you are keeping your date next week, but don’t be offended if she cancels and don’t ask why. When you see her, let her be the one to bring up the pregnancy. And it would be kind if you didn’t wear something skin tight.

Best of luck to both of you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and on being a good friend.

OP here and this is helpful advice. Thank you. I will try to find loose dresses.

[Anonymous]

Well I can tell you what not to do. Don't include a picture of a sonogram in a running group text and say "surprise"! That was pretty awful for my friend who had been struggling for 2 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend used the subject “News”. We were in pretty much the same situation.

The email itself says something along the lines of “Larla, I want to let you know that I am pregnant and due in January. If do you want to talk I’m around, and if you don’t I’m still around.”

Don’t go on about how mentally fragile she must be, or about how bad you feel about it. Just tell her simply over email and give her time to process. Assume that you are keeping your date next week, but don’t be offended if she cancels and don’t ask why. When you see her, let her be the one to bring up the pregnancy. And it would be kind if you didn’t wear something skin tight.

Best of luck to both of you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and on being a good friend.

As someone who dealt with infertility myself, I second this as great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend used the subject “News”. We were in pretty much the same situation.

The email itself says something along the lines of “Larla, I want to let you know that I am pregnant and due in January. If do you want to talk I’m around, and if you don’t I’m still around.”

Don’t go on about how mentally fragile she must be, or about how bad you feel about it. Just tell her simply over email and give her time to process. Assume that you are keeping your date next week, but don’t be offended if she cancels and don’t ask why. When you see her, let her be the one to bring up the pregnancy. And it would be kind if you didn’t wear something skin tight.

Best of luck to both of you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and on being a good friend.

As someone who dealt with infertility myself, I second this as great advice.

Thanks. So, "I am pregnant and due in January. I'm here for you!"

I am nervous about writing this email, even though it's 20 words or less!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend used the subject “News”. We were in pretty much the same situation.

The email itself says something along the lines of “Larla, I want to let you know that I am pregnant and due in January. If do you want to talk I’m around, and if you don’t I’m still around.”

Don’t go on about how mentally fragile she must be, or about how bad you feel about it. Just tell her simply over email and give her time to process. Assume that you are keeping your date next week, but don’t be offended if she cancels and don’t ask why. When you see her, let her be the one to bring up the pregnancy. And it would be kind if you didn’t wear something skin tight.

Best of luck to both of you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and on being a good friend.

As someone who dealt with infertility myself, I second this as great advice.

Thanks. So, "I am pregnant and due in January. I'm here for you!"

I am nervous about writing this email, even though it's 20 words or less!

Too curt. “I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”