How to tell my friend grappling with infertility that I’m pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend used the subject “News”. We were in pretty much the same situation.

The email itself says something along the lines of “Larla, I want to let you know that I am pregnant and due in January. If do you want to talk I’m around, and if you don’t I’m still around.”

Don’t go on about how mentally fragile she must be, or about how bad you feel about it. Just tell her simply over email and give her time to process. Assume that you are keeping your date next week, but don’t be offended if she cancels and don’t ask why. When you see her, let her be the one to bring up the pregnancy. And it would be kind if you didn’t wear something skin tight.

Best of luck to both of you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and on being a good friend.

As someone who dealt with infertility myself, I second this as great advice.

Thanks. So, "I am pregnant and due in January. I'm here for you!"

I am nervous about writing this email, even though it's 20 words or less!

Too curt. “I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”

Perfect, thank you. And yeah, there won't be a big FB announcement (something small) but no stupid letterboard, etc.

[Anonymous]

Leave out chatterbox and social media and exclamation points. Just this:

Dear Larla,

I am 13 weeks pregnant. I am due in January. Janie and Peter are excited about getting a baby sister.

I love you and I’m here if you want to talk about this, or I’m here if you don’t want to talk about this.

Love,
Rebecca

[Anonymous]

I just told my sister who has struggled with infertility for years. it was a difficult thing for me to do because I was so aware of the pain it would cause her. I told her that I was 14 weeks along and that I know the information could be hard for her to hear and wanted to be as sensitive as possible, that we will start to tell people at 20 weeks but wanted to give her & her husband time to process the news privately and not hear from other people. I texted her. it took her 3 days to respond (I didn't send any follow ups), and when she did she thanked me and said she was happy for me. I don't offer up information about my pregnancy (how I'm feeling etc), but will answer if she asks, and I continue to ask about her IUI's etc

[Anonymous]

I just delivered my own after a mulit-year infertility battle.

Id say dont announce in a way that puts her on the spot (ie in-person, on the phone or in the middle of an ongoing text conversation where the expectation is she responds in the moment.) Give her a bit of time to process the news and reply in her own time.

Second, after you have announced treat her the same as you did before, assume that she is happy for you and wants to maintain the same closeness of friendship. I know 6 families with kids younger than 4 - all born while I struggled to get pregnant myself. The friendships that have blossomed in that time are the people who continued to involve me in their life the same way. Some friends who knew of my struggles felt awk. after they got pregnant and stopped engaging with me. Its fine, their choice, but I feel closer to the families that didnt treat me like an object of pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend used the subject “News”. We were in pretty much the same situation.

The email itself says something along the lines of “Larla, I want to let you know that I am pregnant and due in January. If do you want to talk I’m around, and if you don’t I’m still around.”

Don’t go on about how mentally fragile she must be, or about how bad you feel about it. Just tell her simply over email and give her time to process. Assume that you are keeping your date next week, but don’t be offended if she cancels and don’t ask why. When you see her, let her be the one to bring up the pregnancy. And it would be kind if you didn’t wear something skin tight.

Best of luck to both of you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and on being a good friend.

As someone who dealt with infertility myself, I second this as great advice.

Thanks. So, "I am pregnant and due in January. I'm here for you!"

I am nervous about writing this email, even though it's 20 words or less!

Too curt. “I am pregnant and due in January. I’m not going to be a chatterbox about it in person or on social media, but I wanted to tell you in case it gets around. We love you guys and I’m here for whatever.”

I'm the PP with the subject "News" and I love this. It's simple, warm, and kind. Hearing (as I did from other pregnant people) "I know this must be hard for you" grated on me a lot, because it seemed so pitying and made me look pathetic -- but someone ACTING like they knew it was hard and therefore weren't dwelling on the subject was just an act of love that I deeply appreciated.

And I know that someone wanted to inject warmth with "Janie and Peter are excited about getting a baby sister" but I would have found that to be pouring salt into a wound. Like, thanks for rubbing in that this is your THIRD.

I'm not saying it's right or fair for the infertile person to feel like that, but OP is obviously more concerned with kindness and caring than with what's fair or right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her before you see her.

My friend planned a visit a few weeks after I had my 4th miscarriage. She knew what I was going through and never mentioned she was expecting herself. She showed up with a 20 week belly and announced to me as soon as I saw her.

I guess she struggled with finding a way to tell me beforehand but the way she did it hurt me so bad that I haven't spoken to her since.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to announce your third pregnancy? Nobody gives a damn. Just

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her before you see her.

My friend planned a visit a few weeks after I had my 4th miscarriage. She knew what I was going through and never mentioned she was expecting herself. She showed up with a 20 week belly and announced to me as soon as I saw her.

I guess she struggled with finding a way to tell me beforehand but the way she did it hurt me so bad that I haven't spoken to her since.

That’s awful. I’m so sorry. She handled that really badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hide it. I know it’s your third, but can you hide it? Then tell her much closer to the due date via email.

This is bad advice. I would be more hurt if my good friend didn't tell me. And it is nothing that op did that should be shameful. Op didn't have choose to have a third kid to hurt anyone I understand being kind and respectful but, I think it is getting ridiculous. Op is allowed to feel joy and happiness and yes even show sonograms pictures if she choose on her Facebook!

My Sister in law experienced a still birth while I was pregnant. At the funeral for the baby she asked me if I was going to have another child. Are you telling me I should have lied and said no? Was it painful for her Of course But, I didn't gloat and say ha ha i'm pregnant! I felt terrible for her and her husband! I just answered I'm pregnant.

I know I am going to get flack but, I can handle it And yes, I am very close with my sister in law.

Don’t think anyone has remotely said that OP shouldn’t show joy and happiness, or that she should be ashamed. She asked how to avoid hurting her friend, and has had people telling her of their experiences and what would have been least hurtful to them.

Your situation was completely different. I really don’t think most people here are advocating lying. Just being sensitive about how you tell.

I am so sorry for your family’s loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP. I would like ideas for specifically what to say.

"I'm pregnant. I'm due in January. Love, Larla" seems too simple...?

Dear Sara,

I wanted to let you know before we meet that I'm pregnant. I'm 13 weeks and due in late February. Didn't want you to think I'd gotten fat when we see each other next week. I'm looking forward to hearing all about your kitchen remodel and how Scott is liking his new job. No pressure, but just a reminder that you can NOT show me too many pictures of your cute Yorkie. See you next Wednesday with masks!

Love,
Meg

This gives her the info but also shows you are cool with talking about stuff going on in her life and not just talking about your pregnancy. In person I wouldn't bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP. I would like ideas for specifically what to say.

"I'm pregnant. I'm due in January. Love, Larla" seems too simple...?

Dear Sara,

I wanted to let you know before we meet that I'm pregnant. I'm 13 weeks and due in late February. Didn't want you to think I'd gotten fat when we see each other next week. I'm looking forward to hearing all about your kitchen remodel and how Scott is liking his new job. No pressure, but just a reminder that you can NOT show me too many pictures of your cute Yorkie. See you next Wednesday with masks!

Love,
Meg

This gives her the info but also shows you are cool with talking about stuff going on in her life and not just talking about your pregnancy. In person I wouldn't bring it up.

This is perfect. Matter of fact, but treats her like a normal person. This is how I would have like to get the news when I was at my lowest.

[Anonymous]

Is it your fault that she is infertile? No, it isn't so there is no reason to hide it from her. If she is jealous then she. Isn't a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it your fault that she is infertile? No, it isn't so there is no reason to hide it from her. If she is jealous then she. Isn't a friend.

Yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it your fault that she is infertile? No, it isn't so there is no reason to hide it from her. If she is jealous then she. Isn't a friend.

I was going to report your post and then I remembered that you can’t report someone just for being a terrible human being.