When you don't like your parent's spouse...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

You are somewhat better off because your BF has two sons. I think for women dating a man with teen daughter(s) it creates a very complex and challenging dynamic that is usually fraught with problems.

We did all the "right" things, including as PP said, making sure he had time with kids alone, did special things alone with each of them, took vacations alone with them and when they came to our home, I always tried to find things to do in the kitchen or elsewhere so they could have time to just sit and talk with each other without me around.

None of it mattered. His son came around and I can say we developed a somewhat friendly/polite relationship but his daughter made it clear from the beginning she was jealous and had no interest in getting to know me as a person, nor would she even look at me when I tried to initiate a conversation with her.

She still doesn't look at me to this day. She is now married with her own child. She is very happy her father has accepted her husband and he has tried to get to know the guy, despite the fact her husband is a gun-toting Trumper whose father is a multi-convicted felon, and she is financially supporting both of them. Nonetheless, my DH has tried to be supportive of her choice and he has spoken more with her husband than she has ever spoken to me.

At this point, I have been in her father's life (and her life) longer than he was with her mother. Yet she has never, not once, looked me in the eye nor has she asked me anything about myself other than a bland, "Hello, how are you?" as she walks away from me when she first arrives. She has never once spoken my name to me. Not once.

I guess I made the mistake since I had a stepmother myself and I did like her as a person; I expected the same would eventually happen for me. Totally unrealistic. I now understand that I was the one out of line in thinking that my DH's daughter would eventually warm up and want to give me a chance. She owes me nothing and has given me nothing. So be it.

Maybe she just doesn't like you. Maybe you're actually an annoying person! Who knows why. But she doesn't have to like you just because her father chose you.

[Anonymous]

Tell him exactly how you feel about him. Square him up and hit him right between the eyes with your feelings towards him. Don’t beat around the bush. Do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Do you have kids of your own?

Politeness on all sides is pretty good if you ask me!

Thanks. No, no kids of my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

You are somewhat better off because your BF has two sons. I think for women dating a man with teen daughter(s) it creates a very complex and challenging dynamic that is usually fraught with problems.

We did all the "right" things, including as PP said, making sure he had time with kids alone, did special things alone with each of them, took vacations alone with them and when they came to our home, I always tried to find things to do in the kitchen or elsewhere so they could have time to just sit and talk with each other without me around.

None of it mattered. His son came around and I can say we developed a somewhat friendly/polite relationship but his daughter made it clear from the beginning she was jealous and had no interest in getting to know me as a person, nor would she even look at me when I tried to initiate a conversation with her.

She still doesn't look at me to this day. She is now married with her own child. She is very happy her father has accepted her husband and he has tried to get to know the guy, despite the fact her husband is a gun-toting Trumper whose father is a multi-convicted felon, and she is financially supporting both of them. Nonetheless, my DH has tried to be supportive of her choice and he has spoken more with her husband than she has ever spoken to me.

At this point, I have been in her father's life (and her life) longer than he was with her mother. Yet she has never, not once, looked me in the eye nor has she asked me anything about myself other than a bland, "Hello, how are you?" as she walks away from me when she first arrives. She has never once spoken my name to me. Not once.

I guess I made the mistake since I had a stepmother myself and I did like her as a person; I expected the same would eventually happen for me. Totally unrealistic. I now understand that I was the one out of line in thinking that my DH's daughter would eventually warm up and want to give me a chance. She owes me nothing and has given me nothing. So be it.

Maybe she just doesn't like you. Maybe you're actually an annoying person! Who knows why. But she doesn't have to like you just because her father chose you.

NP. No she doesn't, but she should be polite. She sounds like a trashy bitch, and frankly your DH should've handled that long ago (assuming you are not a witch).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

You are somewhat better off because your BF has two sons. I think for women dating a man with teen daughter(s) it creates a very complex and challenging dynamic that is usually fraught with problems.

We did all the "right" things, including as PP said, making sure he had time with kids alone, did special things alone with each of them, took vacations alone with them and when they came to our home, I always tried to find things to do in the kitchen or elsewhere so they could have time to just sit and talk with each other without me around.

None of it mattered. His son came around and I can say we developed a somewhat friendly/polite relationship but his daughter made it clear from the beginning she was jealous and had no interest in getting to know me as a person, nor would she even look at me when I tried to initiate a conversation with her.

She still doesn't look at me to this day. She is now married with her own child. She is very happy her father has accepted her husband and he has tried to get to know the guy, despite the fact her husband is a gun-toting Trumper whose father is a multi-convicted felon, and she is financially supporting both of them. Nonetheless, my DH has tried to be supportive of her choice and he has spoken more with her husband than she has ever spoken to me.

At this point, I have been in her father's life (and her life) longer than he was with her mother. Yet she has never, not once, looked me in the eye nor has she asked me anything about myself other than a bland, "Hello, how are you?" as she walks away from me when she first arrives. She has never once spoken my name to me. Not once.

I guess I made the mistake since I had a stepmother myself and I did like her as a person; I expected the same would eventually happen for me. Totally unrealistic. I now understand that I was the one out of line in thinking that my DH's daughter would eventually warm up and want to give me a chance. She owes me nothing and has given me nothing. So be it.

Maybe she just doesn't like you. Maybe you're actually an annoying person! Who knows why. But she doesn't have to like you just because her father chose you.

NP. No she doesn't, but she should be polite. She sounds like a trashy bitch, and frankly your DH should've handled that long ago (assuming you are not a witch).

NP. Handled it how? Daughter doesn’t HAVE to like step-mom. She’s being civil. That’s all that’s required from her here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

You are somewhat better off because your BF has two sons. I think for women dating a man with teen daughter(s) it creates a very complex and challenging dynamic that is usually fraught with problems.

We did all the "right" things, including as PP said, making sure he had time with kids alone, did special things alone with each of them, took vacations alone with them and when they came to our home, I always tried to find things to do in the kitchen or elsewhere so they could have time to just sit and talk with each other without me around.

None of it mattered. His son came around and I can say we developed a somewhat friendly/polite relationship but his daughter made it clear from the beginning she was jealous and had no interest in getting to know me as a person, nor would she even look at me when I tried to initiate a conversation with her.

She still doesn't look at me to this day. She is now married with her own child. She is very happy her father has accepted her husband and he has tried to get to know the guy, despite the fact her husband is a gun-toting Trumper whose father is a multi-convicted felon, and she is financially supporting both of them. Nonetheless, my DH has tried to be supportive of her choice and he has spoken more with her husband than she has ever spoken to me.

At this point, I have been in her father's life (and her life) longer than he was with her mother. Yet she has never, not once, looked me in the eye nor has she asked me anything about myself other than a bland, "Hello, how are you?" as she walks away from me when she first arrives. She has never once spoken my name to me. Not once.

I guess I made the mistake since I had a stepmother myself and I did like her as a person; I expected the same would eventually happen for me. Totally unrealistic. I now understand that I was the one out of line in thinking that my DH's daughter would eventually warm up and want to give me a chance. She owes me nothing and has given me nothing. So be it.

Maybe she just doesn't like you. Maybe you're actually an annoying person! Who knows why. But she doesn't have to like you just because her father chose you.

NP. No she doesn't, but she should be polite. She sounds like a trashy bitch, and frankly your DH should've handled that long ago (assuming you are not a witch).

NP. Handled it how? Daughter doesn’t HAVE to like step-mom. She’s being civil. That’s all that’s required from her here.

^These responses are proof to stay away from dating anyone with kids if this behavior is considered acceptable and civil, especially after experiencing years of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

You are somewhat better off because your BF has two sons. I think for women dating a man with teen daughter(s) it creates a very complex and challenging dynamic that is usually fraught with problems.

We did all the "right" things, including as PP said, making sure he had time with kids alone, did special things alone with each of them, took vacations alone with them and when they came to our home, I always tried to find things to do in the kitchen or elsewhere so they could have time to just sit and talk with each other without me around.

None of it mattered. His son came around and I can say we developed a somewhat friendly/polite relationship but his daughter made it clear from the beginning she was jealous and had no interest in getting to know me as a person, nor would she even look at me when I tried to initiate a conversation with her.

She still doesn't look at me to this day. She is now married with her own child. She is very happy her father has accepted her husband and he has tried to get to know the guy, despite the fact her husband is a gun-toting Trumper whose father is a multi-convicted felon, and she is financially supporting both of them. Nonetheless, my DH has tried to be supportive of her choice and he has spoken more with her husband than she has ever spoken to me.

At this point, I have been in her father's life (and her life) longer than he was with her mother. Yet she has never, not once, looked me in the eye nor has she asked me anything about myself other than a bland, "Hello, how are you?" as she walks away from me when she first arrives. She has never once spoken my name to me. Not once.

I guess I made the mistake since I had a stepmother myself and I did like her as a person; I expected the same would eventually happen for me. Totally unrealistic. I now understand that I was the one out of line in thinking that my DH's daughter would eventually warm up and want to give me a chance. She owes me nothing and has given me nothing. So be it.

Maybe she just doesn't like you. Maybe you're actually an annoying person! Who knows why. But she doesn't have to like you just because her father chose you.

NP. No she doesn't, but she should be polite. She sounds like a trashy bitch, and frankly your DH should've handled that long ago (assuming you are not a witch).

NP. Handled it how? Daughter doesn’t HAVE to like step-mom. She’s being civil. That’s all that’s required from her here.

^These responses are proof to stay away from dating anyone with kids if this behavior is considered acceptable and civil, especially after experiencing years of it.

Yes. Totally agree. Always stay away from baggage if you can avoid it. For a daughter to act this way there’s obviously alit going on. Homewrecking interlopers don’t usually view themselves that way, so there’s that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Do you have kids of your own?

Politeness on all sides is pretty good if you ask me!

Thanks. No, no kids of my own.

There are many books and websites out there that can help you understand the stepmother dynamic and why it is often a losing game. There are also forums for step parents that can offer you insights. Wednesday Martin has written some insightful pieces about it:

"My marriage was meant to be. It was also doomed to fail. You see, I chose a man with children. Experts estimate that more than half of all adult women in the U.S. will do the same in their lifetimes, and that up to 70% of those partnerships will fail. Factor in all the odds and on the day I said “I do,” I might as well have picked out a divorce lawyer as well: the greatest predictor of divorce is the presence of children from a previous marriage."

Sobering stats for those with children, considering remarriage.

[Anonymous]

I have always adored my stepmother, who came into my life when I was in elementary school. My mother’s second husband was not someone I could get along with. He was loud and domineering, endlessly talking over people.

I knew my mother had chosen this man, and I said what I needed to say about him —once and before they married. Then I kept my distance. I just visited less, mostly around major holidays. At any other time when I wanted to see my mother, I planned outings for just the two of us.

[Anonymous]

Man, quit pussyfooting around and speak up. If the person or persons your addressing don’t like what they’re hearing, the truth hurts and that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Similar situation. I do my best t “ignore it” I can’t deal With it.

After my mom passed away, my dad started seeing someone online within months and got married within a year.

His new wife is living off of him. She moved in to my parents house. She doesn’t work, just goes shopping and socializes with her church friends. My parents were not religious, and are middle class.

I have only visited once in 5 years and don’t plan to visit again. I have never spoken to her outside of that one visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

You are somewhat better off because your BF has two sons. I think for women dating a man with teen daughter(s) it creates a very complex and challenging dynamic that is usually fraught with problems.

We did all the "right" things, including as PP said, making sure he had time with kids alone, did special things alone with each of them, took vacations alone with them and when they came to our home, I always tried to find things to do in the kitchen or elsewhere so they could have time to just sit and talk with each other without me around.

None of it mattered. His son came around and I can say we developed a somewhat friendly/polite relationship but his daughter made it clear from the beginning she was jealous and had no interest in getting to know me as a person, nor would she even look at me when I tried to initiate a conversation with her.

She still doesn't look at me to this day. She is now married with her own child. She is very happy her father has accepted her husband and he has tried to get to know the guy, despite the fact her husband is a gun-toting Trumper whose father is a multi-convicted felon, and she is financially supporting both of them. Nonetheless, my DH has tried to be supportive of her choice and he has spoken more with her husband than she has ever spoken to me.

At this point, I have been in her father's life (and her life) longer than he was with her mother. Yet she has never, not once, looked me in the eye nor has she asked me anything about myself other than a bland, "Hello, how are you?" as she walks away from me when she first arrives. She has never once spoken my name to me. Not once.

I guess I made the mistake since I had a stepmother myself and I did like her as a person; I expected the same would eventually happen for me. Totally unrealistic. I now understand that I was the one out of line in thinking that my DH's daughter would eventually warm up and want to give me a chance. She owes me nothing and has given me nothing. So be it.

Maybe she just doesn't like you. Maybe you're actually an annoying person! Who knows why. But she doesn't have to like you just because her father chose you.

NP. No she doesn't, but she should be polite. She sounds like a trashy bitch, and frankly your DH should've handled that long ago (assuming you are not a witch).

NP. Handled it how? Daughter doesn’t HAVE to like step-mom. She’s being civil. That’s all that’s required from her here.

^These responses are proof to stay away from dating anyone with kids if this behavior is considered acceptable and civil, especially after experiencing years of it.

Yes. Totally agree. Always stay away from baggage if you can avoid it. For a daughter to act this way there’s obviously alit going on. Homewrecking interlopers don’t usually view themselves that way, so there’s that too.

I’m a daughter and I act “civil” the few times I’ve been in the same room as my dad’s wife. I can’t bring myself to call Her my “stepmother”
Yuck.

Being civil is all that s required. I do not have to pretend that I am her friend or like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepmother iced us out of my father’s life. We are never included for holidays. All of our photos were taken down. He refused to do a will because they in a state where she will inherit everything. He spends all his time with her grown children. It’s like a Lifetime movie.

+1 This happened to me too. I haven't even seen my dad in over 10 years. His choice. He has no interest in me or my family, or my siblings. He is fully engaged as a grandfther with her family, though.

Unfortunately my mom died young so I essentially lost both parents.

I hate my dad's wife and wish nothing but ill on her. I don't care how this sounds. It seems so unfair that my beloved mother got sick and died, and then this terrible woman was able to then swoop in, push out my mom's kids, and live a life of joy with my dad. Yes, he's weak, but I hate her more for exploiting this. My mom always supported my dad and made him strong, and would have been horrified at what my dad turned into after she died, and how quickly he moved on/in with this woman, and the way he rejected his children.

Women who do this are pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepmother iced us out of my father’s life. We are never included for holidays. All of our photos were taken down. He refused to do a will because they in a state where she will inherit everything. He spends all his time with her grown children. It’s like a Lifetime movie.

+1 This happened to me too. I haven't even seen my dad in over 10 years. His choice. He has no interest in me or my family, or my siblings. He is fully engaged as a grandfther with her family, though.

Unfortunately my mom died young so I essentially lost both parents.

I hate my dad's wife and wish nothing but ill on her. I don't care how this sounds. It seems so unfair that my beloved mother got sick and died, and then this terrible woman was able to then swoop in, push out my mom's kids, and live a life of joy with my dad. Yes, he's weak, but I hate her more for exploiting this. My mom always supported my dad and made him strong, and would have been horrified at what my dad turned into after she died, and how quickly he moved on/in with this woman, and the way he rejected his children.

Women who do this are pathetic.

It is your fathers responsibility to maintain a relationship with you, not his wife’s. You are like parents who blame their daughter in law because their son doesn’t call them enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepmother iced us out of my father’s life. We are never included for holidays. All of our photos were taken down. He refused to do a will because they in a state where she will inherit everything. He spends all his time with her grown children. It’s like a Lifetime movie.

+1 This happened to me too. I haven't even seen my dad in over 10 years. His choice. He has no interest in me or my family, or my siblings. He is fully engaged as a grandfther with her family, though.

Unfortunately my mom died young so I essentially lost both parents.

I hate my dad's wife and wish nothing but ill on her. I don't care how this sounds. It seems so unfair that my beloved mother got sick and died, and then this terrible woman was able to then swoop in, push out my mom's kids, and live a life of joy with my dad. Yes, he's weak, but I hate her more for exploiting this. My mom always supported my dad and made him strong, and would have been horrified at what my dad turned into after she died, and how quickly he moved on/in with this woman, and the way he rejected his children.

Women who do this are pathetic.

It is your fathers responsibility to maintain a relationship with you, not his wife’s. You are like parents who blame their daughter in law because their son doesn’t call them enough.

You’re like a wife who is more upset at the mistress when it was in fact your husband who initiated the affair.

You don’t have to like your step mother, but you can’t blame your father’s actions (or lack of actions) on her. Your father is a grown adult.