When you don't like your parent's spouse...
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Anonymous
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I'm feeling immense pressure from my mom for us to travel and visit her. Putting the current COVID situation to the side (that's a separate issue keeping us from traveling). I'm her only child (plus my husband and 2 kids) and we live 13 hours away from her. She remarried in 2015 (my father passed in 2014) and, to put it simply, I'm not a fan of her husband. I've seen him raise his voice to my mother a few times and I'm not ok with it. He makes me completely uncomfortable due to his temper, his racist remarks, and continual political talk. I think he purposely pushes my buttons. My mother supports him and thinks that if I say anything, I'm the one being disrespectful. She wants us to all get along and for us to be one, big happy family. I just can't pretend. I. just. CAN'T.
Does anyone else have a situation like this? How do you DEAL???? |
Anonymous
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Ha ha. I have a very direct relationship with my parents, so I would have told her all my opinions in an unvarnished way a long time ago. I suggest you tell the truth in a diplomatic way. Your mother's angry at you anyway, so why not give her all the facts. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you and that's what I've attempted to do a couple of times. She just cries. It's so freaking hard. I usually just ignore her when she brings up "Joe"... Maybe not the best solution, but it's how I've been handling it. It's unfortunate that I can't have an adult to adult conversation with her. |
Anonymous
| Similar situation, only it seems to center around my kids. He treats her well, but is old fashioned and any time we visit I get comments from my mom about my special needs kid, or about how if I spanked or washed mouths out with soap I wouldn't have any problems. I know this is all coming from him. For the record, his kids did not turn out well, either. It is completing destroying our relationship. I'm actually thankful the virus has given us an excuse not to visit. Most times when we visit it ends in a big fight which they seem to forget about and immediately beg for another visit. |
Anonymous
| As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner. |
Anonymous
| Similar. It's gotten to the point where my stepmother leaves when we visit -- I didn't request this, but it is nicer without her around. I g |
Anonymous
| I had to draw a hard line on my dad's wife's racist remarks. We only had to pack up and leave one time before they got the message. But that's what it took. Maybe that will get her attention. You've been expressing boundaries and she's been ignoring them, so it's time to remember that boundaries are about what *you* do, not about what the other person does. The boundary is that if he says racist things, you leave. |
Anonymous
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On the one hand, sometimes you just suck it up because it's the only way to have a relationship with your parent. You don't get to exclude someone's spouse just because they aren't your favorite person.
That said, you also get to have some control over how you interact with him. Personally, if he insists of talking about politics or making racist remarks, I'd just walk away. Maybe one time say, "I don't want to talk about politics," or "I don't want to listen to those kinds of comments," but otherwise just disengage entirely. If you can't walk away, just ignore him completely, like you can't even hear him. Refuse to be drawn into "discussion" on anything like that. Ditto if he loses his temper -- just walk away. If your mom gets upset, then you can tell her, "Mom, he's insisting on bringing this stuff up. I'm trying to avoid fighting with him, but I'm not going to pretend I agree, either. If you want us to visit, this is how I will handle it. If that's not okay, then we can end the visit." |
Anonymous
Be careful, I tried this and it backfired majorly. After that my mother distorted every interaction I had with her new spouse and now carries a long list of resentments and perceived slights. I've distanced myself a lot from her and avoid seeing him as much as possible. |
Anonymous
| Can you visit and stay in a motel and just take Mom out to dinner solod? |
Anonymous
This is exactly what happened the last time. I packed up the car and my mom gave us hugs in the driveway. He refused to come tell us goodbye (oh, well) and my mom was upset that I wasn't the one extending the olive branch to him. I appreciate your advice on setting that boundary for next time. I think that's an excellent point--thank you! |
Anonymous
I wish! They live in the middle of nowhere, unfortunately. I do think that meeting in 'neutral' territory would probably help. |
Anonymous
| I can’t stand my mother’s husband. He doesn’t like me either. He’s been my step father since I was ten, unfortunately, but now I just see him as my mom’s husband. He’s arrogant, chauvinistic, racist, and his ego rivals Trump’s. My mom has also cried when we’ve gotten into arguments. At this point, my mom & I now see each other without him. It’s easier. Not perfect, but it works. |
Anonymous
| We lived with this for 15 years and now my MIL is finally leaving and divorcing her second husband. With the benefit of a ton of hindsight, I'm glad my DH and his siblings maintained their relationship with their mother through it all (and we did everything we could to facilitate grandchildren relationships with her). Now when she needs her family, they are all there for her. Mainly, we tried to limit time together and/or kept really busy when we were visiting together (e.g. lots of outings, day trips, etc. to minimize time sitting around the house). I found it easier to deal with them on our turf rather than theirs, so we hosted here or we invited them to a vacation house where there was plenty of room for separateness. That made it easier for our family to keep our own routines (e.g. kid sleep schedules, etc.). |
Anonymous
| My husband and I don’t like his fathers wife. At all. We haven’t really discussed it but I think they all get it and he comes to visit frequently without her. When she is around we grin and bear it and go do an activity. The kids like her though. |