When you don't like your parent's spouse...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, sometimes you just suck it up because it's the only way to have a relationship with your parent. You don't get to exclude someone's spouse just because they aren't your favorite person.

That said, you also get to have some control over how you interact with him. Personally, if he insists of talking about politics or making racist remarks, I'd just walk away. Maybe one time say, "I don't want to talk about politics," or "I don't want to listen to those kinds of comments," but otherwise just disengage entirely. If you can't walk away, just ignore him completely, like you can't even hear him. Refuse to be drawn into "discussion" on anything like that. Ditto if he loses his temper -- just walk away.

If your mom gets upset, then you can tell her, "Mom, he's insisting on bringing this stuff up. I'm trying to avoid fighting with him, but I'm not going to pretend I agree, either. If you want us to visit, this is how I will handle it. If that's not okay, then we can end the visit."

Thank you! I think this would probably work best in my situation and how my mom handles things. She tends to take everything SO personal. So, if I tell him I don't appreciate his remarks, she hears "I don't approve of your life, Mom." *sigh*. I think I'll have to repeat "just walk away" over and over in my head...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, sometimes you just suck it up because it's the only way to have a relationship with your parent. You don't get to exclude someone's spouse just because they aren't your favorite person.

That said, you also get to have some control over how you interact with him. Personally, if he insists of talking about politics or making racist remarks, I'd just walk away. Maybe one time say, "I don't want to talk about politics," or "I don't want to listen to those kinds of comments," but otherwise just disengage entirely. If you can't walk away, just ignore him completely, like you can't even hear him. Refuse to be drawn into "discussion" on anything like that. Ditto if he loses his temper -- just walk away.

If your mom gets upset, then you can tell her, "Mom, he's insisting on bringing this stuff up. I'm trying to avoid fighting with him, but I'm not going to pretend I agree, either. If you want us to visit, this is how I will handle it. If that's not okay, then we can end the visit."

Thank you! I think this would probably work best in my situation and how my mom handles things. She tends to take everything SO personal. So, if I tell him I don't appreciate his remarks, she hears "I don't approve of your life, Mom." *sigh*. I think I'll have to repeat "just walk away" over and over in my head...

But she's right, isn't she? She is married to a jerk who mistreats her and other people, and you don't approve of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, sometimes you just suck it up because it's the only way to have a relationship with your parent. You don't get to exclude someone's spouse just because they aren't your favorite person.

That said, you also get to have some control over how you interact with him. Personally, if he insists of talking about politics or making racist remarks, I'd just walk away. Maybe one time say, "I don't want to talk about politics," or "I don't want to listen to those kinds of comments," but otherwise just disengage entirely. If you can't walk away, just ignore him completely, like you can't even hear him. Refuse to be drawn into "discussion" on anything like that. Ditto if he loses his temper -- just walk away.

If your mom gets upset, then you can tell her, "Mom, he's insisting on bringing this stuff up. I'm trying to avoid fighting with him, but I'm not going to pretend I agree, either. If you want us to visit, this is how I will handle it. If that's not okay, then we can end the visit."

Thank you! I think this would probably work best in my situation and how my mom handles things. She tends to take everything SO personal. So, if I tell him I don't appreciate his remarks, she hears "I don't approve of your life, Mom." *sigh*. I think I'll have to repeat "just walk away" over and over in my head...

But she's right, isn't she? She is married to a jerk who mistreats her and other people, and you don't approve of it.

Touche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, sometimes you just suck it up because it's the only way to have a relationship with your parent. You don't get to exclude someone's spouse just because they aren't your favorite person.

That said, you also get to have some control over how you interact with him. Personally, if he insists of talking about politics or making racist remarks, I'd just walk away. Maybe one time say, "I don't want to talk about politics," or "I don't want to listen to those kinds of comments," but otherwise just disengage entirely. If you can't walk away, just ignore him completely, like you can't even hear him. Refuse to be drawn into "discussion" on anything like that. Ditto if he loses his temper -- just walk away.

If your mom gets upset, then you can tell her, "Mom, he's insisting on bringing this stuff up. I'm trying to avoid fighting with him, but I'm not going to pretend I agree, either. If you want us to visit, this is how I will handle it. If that's not okay, then we can end the visit."

Thank you! I think this would probably work best in my situation and how my mom handles things. She tends to take everything SO personal. So, if I tell him I don't appreciate his remarks, she hears "I don't approve of your life, Mom." *sigh*. I think I'll have to repeat "just walk away" over and over in my head...

But she's right, isn't she? She is married to a jerk who mistreats her and other people, and you don't approve of it.

Touche.

What if you said "I don't approve of your choice to tolerate his racist remarks."?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, sometimes you just suck it up because it's the only way to have a relationship with your parent. You don't get to exclude someone's spouse just because they aren't your favorite person.

That said, you also get to have some control over how you interact with him. Personally, if he insists of talking about politics or making racist remarks, I'd just walk away. Maybe one time say, "I don't want to talk about politics," or "I don't want to listen to those kinds of comments," but otherwise just disengage entirely. If you can't walk away, just ignore him completely, like you can't even hear him. Refuse to be drawn into "discussion" on anything like that. Ditto if he loses his temper -- just walk away.

If your mom gets upset, then you can tell her, "Mom, he's insisting on bringing this stuff up. I'm trying to avoid fighting with him, but I'm not going to pretend I agree, either. If you want us to visit, this is how I will handle it. If that's not okay, then we can end the visit."

Thank you! I think this would probably work best in my situation and how my mom handles things. She tends to take everything SO personal. So, if I tell him I don't appreciate his remarks, she hears "I don't approve of your life, Mom." *sigh*. I think I'll have to repeat "just walk away" over and over in my head...

But she's right, isn't she? She is married to a jerk who mistreats her and other people, and you don't approve of it.

Touche.

What if you said "I don't approve of your choice to tolerate his racist remarks."?

Excellent point. think that is what really upsets me. That she can't see the reason I'm upset (his actions and words). She just continues to let it happen and then places blame on me for visits not going well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, sometimes you just suck it up because it's the only way to have a relationship with your parent. You don't get to exclude someone's spouse just because they aren't your favorite person.

That said, you also get to have some control over how you interact with him. Personally, if he insists of talking about politics or making racist remarks, I'd just walk away. Maybe one time say, "I don't want to talk about politics," or "I don't want to listen to those kinds of comments," but otherwise just disengage entirely. If you can't walk away, just ignore him completely, like you can't even hear him. Refuse to be drawn into "discussion" on anything like that. Ditto if he loses his temper -- just walk away.

If your mom gets upset, then you can tell her, "Mom, he's insisting on bringing this stuff up. I'm trying to avoid fighting with him, but I'm not going to pretend I agree, either. If you want us to visit, this is how I will handle it. If that's not okay, then we can end the visit."

Thank you! I think this would probably work best in my situation and how my mom handles things. She tends to take everything SO personal. So, if I tell him I don't appreciate his remarks, she hears "I don't approve of your life, Mom." *sigh*. I think I'll have to repeat "just walk away" over and over in my head...

But she's right, isn't she? She is married to a jerk who mistreats her and other people, and you don't approve of it.

Touche.

What if you said "I don't approve of your choice to tolerate his racist remarks."?

Excellent point. think that is what really upsets me. That she can't see the reason I'm upset (his actions and words). She just continues to let it happen and then places blame on me for visits not going well.

I suspect she can see it, she just doesn't want to acknowledge it because she is clinging to the idea of a big happy family. Maybe just tell her you are unwilling to see him at all, because it always results in an argument, and that she can meet you in a neutral location. That is what I do with my mom and it works okay.

[Anonymous]

My stepmother iced us out of my father’s life. We are never included for holidays. All of our photos were taken down. He refused to do a will because they in a state where she will inherit everything. He spends all his time with her grown children. It’s like a Lifetime movie.

[Anonymous]

My stepmother is the typical greedy gold digger. I thought those wicked, evil stepmothers only existed in movies. This one is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Do you have kids of your own?

Politeness on all sides is pretty good if you ask me!

[Anonymous]

I hate staying with my parents - we finally got up the nerve to say we are staying in a hotel. It's amazing - we still visit and see them, but we can leave on our own terms...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you visit and stay in a motel and just take Mom out to dinner solod?

I wish! They live in the middle of nowhere, unfortunately. I do think that meeting in 'neutral' territory would probably help.

Would your mom come visit you on her own? That would be ideal since you wouldn’t have to interact with the husband at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepmother iced us out of my father’s life. We are never included for holidays. All of our photos were taken down. He refused to do a will because they in a state where she will inherit everything. He spends all his time with her grown children. It’s like a Lifetime movie.

My ugly thought: maybe she’ll die first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

You are somewhat better off because your BF has two sons. I think for women dating a man with teen daughter(s) it creates a very complex and challenging dynamic that is usually fraught with problems.

We did all the "right" things, including as PP said, making sure he had time with kids alone, did special things alone with each of them, took vacations alone with them and when they came to our home, I always tried to find things to do in the kitchen or elsewhere so they could have time to just sit and talk with each other without me around.

None of it mattered. His son came around and I can say we developed a somewhat friendly/polite relationship but his daughter made it clear from the beginning she was jealous and had no interest in getting to know me as a person, nor would she even look at me when I tried to initiate a conversation with her.

She still doesn't look at me to this day. She is now married with her own child. She is very happy her father has accepted her husband and he has tried to get to know the guy, despite the fact her husband is a gun-toting Trumper whose father is a multi-convicted felon, and she is financially supporting both of them. Nonetheless, my DH has tried to be supportive of her choice and he has spoken more with her husband than she has ever spoken to me.

At this point, I have been in her father's life (and her life) longer than he was with her mother. Yet she has never, not once, looked me in the eye nor has she asked me anything about myself other than a bland, "Hello, how are you?" as she walks away from me when she first arrives. She has never once spoken my name to me. Not once.

I guess I made the mistake since I had a stepmother myself and I did like her as a person; I expected the same would eventually happen for me. Totally unrealistic. I now understand that I was the one out of line in thinking that my DH's daughter would eventually warm up and want to give me a chance. She owes me nothing and has given me nothing. So be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is dating a divorced dad of two teen boys....this makes me sad. I’m wondering what I can do to avoid having similar dynamics develop? His kids are polite to me which is about the best I hope for as I think it’s hard for people to like their parent’s partner.

Encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his kids WITHOUT you. It doesn't need to be all the time, but definitely make an effort to allow that to happen. If you are glued to their dad, it will effect their relationship with him. If you move in with the dad, also try to sometimes step back and let them be a family of 3 *sometimes* without getting your panties in a bunch.

THIS! Please make sure dad gets a lot of independent time with his kids. It is so important and his kids will appreciate you more