MIL wants to come visit (fly) - am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think not having her visit is unreasonable. I think that is totally reasonable and what I would do. However, you are ok with the risk her visiting, it is just the method that you object to. Driving for 9 hours has risks - she needs to pee / get food / get gas. She is not 25 and doing 5 hours no break. She will have to stop. Then she is staying in a hotel / motel or with another family. I am really not sure that is much safer / riskier than flying. Airports are pretty empty, she could go and not touch much there. Wipe down her plane seat and only fly on flight with no middle passenger. It would be about the same as the drive.

If this was she can / can’t come. I side with you. If this is method of transportation, I side with DH since it does not that driving is better

Eh, I think flying is much riskier. I always seem to catch something after flying but not after just staying in a hotel. It's the small enclosed space in the plane that's the problem, I think, not the airport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. You call the shots and tell your husband that you will not tolerate any form of blowback either. You need to be crystal clear.

Jesus this is not the way marriage works. It sounds like your husband wants her to come so his feelings need to be taken into account too. If she’s been quarantining and takes precautions on the plane I don’t see why it’s such a problem, particularly given the fact that half the country is no longer social distancing and you’re putting yourself at the same risk just going to the grocery store. Obviously this is a family issue you need to work out with your spouse. Not the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not at all. Why the F is your DH telling her it’s ok when you are pregnant?!?

Your husband is a jacka$$.

You are pregnant. You are automatically high risk and vulnerable. Nobody knows what this virus can do to your baby. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for putting you and his child in this position. Say NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. You call the shots and tell your husband that you will not tolerate any form of blowback either. You need to be crystal clear.

Jesus this is not the way marriage works. It sounds like your husband wants her to come so his feelings need to be taken into account too. If she’s been quarantining and takes precautions on the plane I don’t see why it’s such a problem, particularly given the fact that half the country is no longer social distancing and you’re putting yourself at the same risk just going to the grocery store. Obviously this is a family issue you need to work out with your spouse. Not the internet.

WTF? The wife’s health takes precedence over the husband’s feelings. He needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. You call the shots and tell your husband that you will not tolerate any form of blowback either. You need to be crystal clear.

Jesus this is not the way marriage works. It sounds like your husband wants her to come so his feelings need to be taken into account too. If she’s been quarantining and takes precautions on the plane I don’t see why it’s such a problem, particularly given the fact that half the country is no longer social distancing and you’re putting yourself at the same risk just going to the grocery store. Obviously this is a family issue you need to work out with your spouse. Not the internet.

Get the visit over with before the baby comes so you won't have to deal with her for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He told her to go ahead

This is the only sentence that matters. Your DH thinks it's ok. I'm sorry he didn't consider your objections, especially beforehand. A case can be made that his decision is reasonable. So whatever.

Not whatever. The person who will pay the price if his decision turns out “not to be reasonable”is the wife with the compromised immune system due to pregnancy. Nope. Husband does not get to decide that his wife puts her health at risk because he can’t say no to mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. You call the shots and tell your husband that you will not tolerate any form of blowback either. You need to be crystal clear.

Jesus this is not the way marriage works. It sounds like your husband wants her to come so his feelings need to be taken into account too. If she’s been quarantining and takes precautions on the plane I don’t see why it’s such a problem, particularly given the fact that half the country is no longer social distancing and you’re putting yourself at the same risk just going to the grocery store. Obviously this is a family issue you need to work out with your spouse. Not the internet.

Get the visit over with before the baby comes so you won't have to deal with her for awhile.

I’m pregnant. My pediatrician is recommending no visitors for at least 8 weeks - preferably longer.

There shouldn’t be any visits for a long time. Period. Not now and certainly not with a vulnerable newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, she could drive. She’s in her early 60s and could do it - she just does not like to because she has anxiety. But she drives daily at home.

Driving locally isn’t the same as a road trip.

You need to be as considerate of her as you would want her to be of you.

From an exposure to covid perspective driving 9 hours and staying with family vs flying are about equal. She’s probably depressed and lonely, but I get why you’d rather her not come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to all who responded. I feel like I can’t win. DH and his MIL have made up their minds. If I block this, I will reap the consequences in the form of a pissed off husband who will say I’m keeping MIL from DS and I will have a miserable MIL guilting DH constantly which will exacerbate his anger, which had been incredibly acute lately.

Literally my MIL FaceTimes us constantly and complains about how long it’s been since she has seen us and keeps reminding us when the last time she came was on every call. And she tells DS how much she misses him and wants to come visit and asks if he remembers when she came last because “it was so long ago” etc (yes, he remembers). She’s always been like this but the pandemic is making her unhinged. She also wants to fly in when the baby comes to “help” (which means she attempts to play with DS but I suspect will just try to get all the baby snuggles in before handing him over to me for diaper changes and feeds - that’s what happened the first time). But god help me if I point that out to DH.

I think you need to stand up for yourself. YOU need to get angry. You need to say “Do you not care about my health? This is unnecessary risk! And even if you don’t give a shit if I get sick, do you not care about your baby???” That’s what you say to DH.

Talk to your son separately. Say you can’t have visitors because you don’t want mommy and baby brother to get very sick. He can tell grandma that on the phone. “Mommy’s doctors say it’s not safe. I don’t want mommy to get sick!” Teach your child to say that to his grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to all who responded. I feel like I can’t win. DH and his MIL have made up their minds. If I block this, I will reap the consequences in the form of a pissed off husband who will say I’m keeping MIL from DS and I will have a miserable MIL guilting DH constantly which will exacerbate his anger, which had been incredibly acute lately.

Literally my MIL FaceTimes us constantly and complains about how long it’s been since she has seen us and keeps reminding us when the last time she came was on every call. And she tells DS how much she misses him and wants to come visit and asks if he remembers when she came last because “it was so long ago” etc (yes, he remembers). She’s always been like this but the pandemic is making her unhinged. She also wants to fly in when the baby comes to “help” (which means she attempts to play with DS but I suspect will just try to get all the baby snuggles in before handing him over to me for diaper changes and feeds - that’s what happened the first time). But god help me if I point that out to DH.

Are you okay OP? Do you have somewhere you can go? Dealing with your husband’s anger problems while pregnant seems like a bad situation...

Do you feel he will become violent if you say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would set clearer boundaries sooner vs. later. I waited too long and it really took a toll on my marriage.

This.

Life is going to get harder with 2 young kids. You are going to have to set boundaries just to survive. It sounds like your husband is either very insensitive or a huge jerk. Either way, the less wishy-washy you are the better. No “well, it would be better if you drove ... blah, blah” You’re going to be blamed no matter what. Say what you feel out loud: “I do not feel comfortable with that level of risk. I don’t want to put my health and the baby’s health at risk. A visit is out of the question for medical reasons.”

[Anonymous]

OP, she is family. The pandemic is fading. People are getting out to see family.

Have her come stay in a motel and send DH and son over to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, she could drive. She’s in her early 60s and could do it - she just does not like to because she has anxiety. But she drives daily at home.

Driving locally isn’t the same as a road trip.

You need to be as considerate of her as you would want her to be of you.

From an exposure to covid perspective driving 9 hours and staying with family vs flying are about equal. She’s probably depressed and lonely, but I get why you’d rather her not come.

You don't actually know this---the risk comparison. It'd be nice if we did have more research/contact tracing into determining this, but we don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. You call the shots and tell your husband that you will not tolerate any form of blowback either. You need to be crystal clear.

Why does SHE call the shots? That’s not marriage.

She gets to decide how much risk she’s willing to take because she’s the one with the compromised immune system! Get it?

This is not a decision about which car to buy or remodeling the kitchen. This is about risking HER health. She gets a veto. Anything less is borderline abusive and it’s certainly asinine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she is family. The pandemic is fading. People are getting out to see family.

Have her come stay in a motel and send DH and son over to visit.

This is a good idea. Offer to pay for her hotel and plan outdoor activities to do. Request she wear a mask around your son because of his asthma.