MIL wants to come visit (fly) - am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

What is your family's current exposure to others? How closed in your circle?

Have you gone out to a restaurant? Is your child going to daycare? Having playdates with friends or neighbors?

If as a family you have been diligent and kept a closed circle, I think it is fine that you and your husband sit down and talk about boundaries with your MIL. You can say that - you have done everything to limit your exposure and risk to your family - and that this does not align with the rules you agreed to.
If you do not have a closed circle - you are hanging with friends social distancing - but the kids are playing together then I would say you have issues with your MIL that you need to deal with and using this as an excuse.

Based on personal experience, I would recommend you figure out how to set clear boundaries - this is not going to magically go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just sound like you don't like your MIL, which seems to be pretty typical of DCUM in general. Somehow I doubt this would be an issue if it were your mother.

Her mother is not the one asking to visit, dum-dum.

[Anonymous]

So your husband just never gets to see his mother?

He should take your child and leave your crazy self

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, she could drive. She’s in her early 60s and could do it - she just does not like to because she has anxiety. But she drives daily at home.

Driving locally isn’t the same as a road trip.

You need to be as considerate of her as you would want her to be of you.

From an exposure to covid perspective driving 9 hours and staying with family vs flying are about equal. She’s probably depressed and lonely, but I get why you’d rather her not come.

You don't actually know this---the risk comparison. It'd be nice if we did have more research/contact tracing into determining this, but we don't.

There are a number of articles out there citing infectious disease experts who say flying is a higher risk activity. There’s a lot we don’t know, but I think the overwhelming consensus us on this one is pretty clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she is family. The pandemic is fading. People are getting out to see family.

Have her come stay in a motel and send DH and son over to visit.

There are nearly 2000 new cases in the DC area daily... the pandemic isn’t “fading”, people are simply tired of social distancing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He told her to go ahead

This is the only sentence that matters. Your DH thinks it's ok. I'm sorry he didn't consider your objections, especially beforehand. A case can be made that his decision is reasonable. So whatever.

Not whatever. The person who will pay the price if his decision turns out “not to be reasonable”is the wife with the compromised immune system due to pregnancy. Nope. Husband does not get to decide that his wife puts her health at risk because he can’t say no to mommy.

Actually it’s grandma who’s the most at risk, not the preggo. But it sounds like OP wouldn’t mind if Grandma shuffled off this mortal coil, so maybe you should let her come, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to all who responded. I feel like I can’t win. DH and his MIL have made up their minds. If I block this, I will reap the consequences in the form of a pissed off husband who will say I’m keeping MIL from DS and I will have a miserable MIL guilting DH constantly which will exacerbate his anger, which had been incredibly acute lately.

Literally my MIL FaceTimes us constantly and complains about how long it’s been since she has seen us and keeps reminding us when the last time she came was on every call. And she tells DS how much she misses him and wants to come visit and asks if he remembers when she came last because “it was so long ago” etc (yes, he remembers). She’s always been like this but the pandemic is making her unhinged. She also wants to fly in when the baby comes to “help” (which means she attempts to play with DS but I suspect will just try to get all the baby snuggles in before handing him over to me for diaper changes and feeds - that’s what happened the first time). But god help me if I point that out to DH.

Honestly you’re the one who sounds unhinged. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Ridiculous- no help needed. This is a pandemic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she is family. The pandemic is fading. People are getting out to see family.

Have her come stay in a motel and send DH and son over to visit.

There are nearly 2000 new cases in the DC area daily... the pandemic isn’t “fading”, people are simply tired of social distancing.

I am with you.
I do not know where the MIL lives - or where the OP lives - but yesterday there were over 20,000 new cases reported in the U.S.

It is not fading away. DC has had a falling # of new daily cases. Maryland and Virginia are flat to rising. [data source - NYTimes]
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/us/coronavirus-us-cases.html#states

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP. The range of replies on this thread is interesting and I’m honestly not sure what to make of it or that indeed there is any consensus. There are plenty of posters saying my MIL should not come at all and DH is being unreasonable. There are others saying let her come but with certain conditions/restrictions. Then others saying I am crazy and unhinged and implying I’m a horrible person.

I guess this just illustrates the range of perspectives people can have and also the difficulty we are all having with evaluating risk and making informed judgements during COVID given the profound lack of information about the virus and inconsistent guidelines we are receiving from our national experts, government leaders, and states. I honestly think the hardest part about this pandemic is trying to make decisions absent about how to stay safe absent very clear, specific guidelines from experts. We are all now having to navigate risk and make many daily decisions about what is safe when we are not epidemiologists and so much is unknown about the virus. So that to say, thank you for responding and sharing your perspectives. I still don’t know what to do. And the range of perspectives shows me that people are all thinking very differently.

[Anonymous]

OP's DC is vulnerable given asthma - they should not be opening their arms as vulnerable populations are still supposed to isolate. This is not a healthy, normal child. This is a higher risk child.

I'm vulnerable given my asthma and am pregnant with SUA + low fetal weight on scans + high risk for pre-term labor + baby has potential heart issue/might need surgery at birth. If my DH invited my MIL without consulting me, I'd actually consider divorce because he is putting my life and the life of child at risk which is appalling to me. Thankfully, he told her she can't visit given the baby issues a month ago and instruction by doctors to not allow visitors indefinitely given heart issue; she was sad but understood.

I think the fact that your DC is vulnerable is what you need to consider the most. How guilty will you, your DH, or even your MIL feel if your DC gets exposed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's DC is vulnerable given asthma - they should not be opening their arms as vulnerable populations are still supposed to isolate. This is not a healthy, normal child. This is a higher risk child.

I'm vulnerable given my asthma and am pregnant with SUA + low fetal weight on scans + high risk for pre-term labor + baby has potential heart issue/might need surgery at birth. If my DH invited my MIL without consulting me, I'd actually consider divorce because he is putting my life and the life of child at risk which is appalling to me. Thankfully, he told her she can't visit given the baby issues a month ago and instruction by doctors to not allow visitors indefinitely given heart issue; she was sad but understood.

I think the fact that your DC is vulnerable is what you need to consider the most. How guilty will you, your DH, or even your MIL feel if your DC gets exposed?

Also, to add I have a MPH and work for a federal agency in public health policy who works day in and out on CV-19 response. I might be overly cautious given what I work on daily all day.

[Anonymous]

I would not be thrilled either, but I think the compromise of her staying in a hotel is the best solution. She can meet up with DH and DS out with everyone wearing masks - you can decide if you want to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DC is vulnerable given asthma - they should not be opening their arms as vulnerable populations are still supposed to isolate. This is not a healthy, normal child. This is a higher risk child.

I'm vulnerable given my asthma and am pregnant with SUA + low fetal weight on scans + high risk for pre-term labor + baby has potential heart issue/might need surgery at birth. If my DH invited my MIL without consulting me, I'd actually consider divorce because he is putting my life and the life of child at risk which is appalling to me. Thankfully, he told her she can't visit given the baby issues a month ago and instruction by doctors to not allow visitors indefinitely given heart issue; she was sad but understood.

I think the fact that your DC is vulnerable is what you need to consider the most. How guilty will you, your DH, or even your MIL feel if your DC gets exposed?

Also, to add I have a MPH and work for a federal agency in public health policy who works day in and out on CV-19 response. I might be overly cautious given what I work on daily all day.

I am not the OP - but my mom who is a little older than OPs sits home and listens for Fox News. Remember - the narrative that they have been pushing. A lot of this is based on inconsistent information / what you believe.

The Catholic Churches in VA have opened - even though spread in VA is high. It is really hard to reconcile these data points. Personally - I think the fact that the archdioceses of Arlington was one of the last to address abuse of it's priests is a major statement that they do not actually care about their parishioners - but rather care about $. But as an outsider you have to look around you and assume that someone has evaluated the situation and said large indoor gatherings were fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He told her to go ahead

This is the only sentence that matters. Your DH thinks it's ok. I'm sorry he didn't consider your objections, especially beforehand. A case can be made that his decision is reasonable. So whatever.

Not whatever. The person who will pay the price if his decision turns out “not to be reasonable”is the wife with the compromised immune system due to pregnancy. Nope. Husband does not get to decide that his wife puts her health at risk because he can’t say no to mommy.

Actually it’s grandma who’s the most at risk, not the preggo. But it sounds like OP wouldn’t mind if Grandma shuffled off this mortal coil, so maybe you should let her come, OP?

Wow, you are insane. Now you’ve gone from OP trying to protect herself and a vulnerable child to wanting to kill her MIL. Seriously, you’re delusional. Get help.