MIL wants to come visit (fly) - am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

My MIL hasn’t seen our family since Thanksgiving. She was supposed to visit earlier on the pandemic but her flight was cancelled. Today she woke up crying because she misses our DS and called and told my DH she wants to fly down to visit. He told her to go ahead without consulting me. We have talked about this before and I’ve told him I would prefer for her to drive (she’s 9 hours away and has family at the midpoint so she could stay with them or do a hotel) because everything I’ve read says that flying is a greater risk than driving and I’m pregnant and our DS has asthma, and we have a small condo so she sleeps in the living room and is basically on top of us when she comes. He insists that it’s a short flight and we have to take some risks and I’m not being reasonable. I know my MIL won’t drive because she has serious anxiety and hardly ever drives out of her own county but I asked him to at least communicate to her that flying seems to be riskier than driving and that she needs to take real precautions and to tell her that we would prefer for her to drive. He won’t do it and now says it’s my fault if she won’t visit and that I’m keeping her away from our DS so I can’t complain that we don’t have any help (which isn’t true as she is not able to capably watch DS alone and requires constant hand holding).

So please - honest answers - am I being unreasonable? I am not saying she can’t come, and I think making a preference known is not the same thing as forbidding her from coming...

[Anonymous]

Oh HELL no. You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. Nope. No way would I allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh HELL no. You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. Nope. No way would I allow it.

Although - those fmaily members she stays with mid way could be a threat to.

No. Just no. FaceTime instead.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. Why the F is your DH telling her it’s ok when you are pregnant?!?

[Anonymous]

You would let an older woman drive 9 hours alone. That makes no sense. Be decent and take a trip out to her. Between the two of you, you can do the trip in one day. Flying no.

[Anonymous]

No.

She’s being a big baby your husband set you up to be the fall guy.

She cannot visit at all, OP, not even if she drives.

You’ll have to put your foot down with both your husband and MIL.

[Anonymous]

If you need a strategy - blame it on the dr. Tell her you called the pediatrician to get a medical professional input and your Dr. said not right now.

[Anonymous]

I think you should spring for a hotel, that would mitigate much of the risk. I mean those of you who are all HELL NO, are you seriously just never going to see distant family ever again?!

[Anonymous]

I’d let her come, flying. Telling someone who essentially doesn’t drive that she can only visit if she drives 9 hours IS telling her she can’t come. And what about stops? And the family she stays with? It seems riskier for her to drive.

[Anonymous]

To clarify, she could drive. She’s in her early 60s and could do it - she just does not like to because she has anxiety. But she drives daily at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should spring for a hotel, that would mitigate much of the risk. I mean those of you who are all HELL NO, are you seriously just never going to see distant family ever again?!

If I was pregnant AND had a kid with asthma AND lived in a small apartment where the guest room is the couch? No. MIL is being selfish. And fyi OP, your husband should have asked you before saying yes even if coivd didnt exist. It's your house too and you are pregnant and raising another small child in an apartment.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH working? Maybe he can go get her.

[Anonymous]

Hell no.

My MIL recently tried to do the same thing. DH has been really upset about it and does not want her to come. He is way more cautious about COVID than me so he has been even more against her coming than I have been. On the phone he told her he was not comfortable with her coming. She then proceeded to go through her twisting and manipulative dance so even though he never said yes I can totally see how she was changing it to there are just little differences in opinion, lets book it because things might change and we'll all be careful. DH was upset but his mother works him over so I spoke up. I told her that she is an adult and free to make her own decisions. She liked this a lot. I then added that both I and DH were also adults and would be making decisions for our family. I told her that in no uncertain terms would I expose my husband and children to this virus because she was reckless. I told her that what she was trying to do was selfish and reckless and that she should take it somewhere else because she would not get through the door here. It worked and she stopped BUT it took going to that level. DH was relieved.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to all who responded. I feel like I can’t win. DH and his MIL have made up their minds. If I block this, I will reap the consequences in the form of a pissed off husband who will say I’m keeping MIL from DS and I will have a miserable MIL guilting DH constantly which will exacerbate his anger, which had been incredibly acute lately.

Literally my MIL FaceTimes us constantly and complains about how long it’s been since she has seen us and keeps reminding us when the last time she came was on every call. And she tells DS how much she misses him and wants to come visit and asks if he remembers when she came last because “it was so long ago” etc (yes, he remembers). She’s always been like this but the pandemic is making her unhinged. She also wants to fly in when the baby comes to “help” (which means she attempts to play with DS but I suspect will just try to get all the baby snuggles in before handing him over to me for diaper changes and feeds - that’s what happened the first time). But god help me if I point that out to DH.

[Anonymous]

I would set clearer boundaries sooner vs. later. I waited too long and it really took a toll on my marriage.