Reply to Lives separate life but not asking for a divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And I am just reading all other threads on this forum and don’t want to ever get married again! Look, I am slim, tall, walked runway in my teens to make extra income, 2 masters degrees, developed a business with my husband, built a life. I am jogging twice every day, and all my American girlfriends think I am so successful and happy. I don’t even know how to tell everyone my husband of 15 years (and we are together 17 years) backstabbed me, hides a mistress and assets abroad from me.

I just want to live my life free and for myself if and ever I am able to walk out this marriage wealthy. [/quote]

OP. It’s quite clear that your DH is involved with someone else. There is nothing wrong with you or your American life. Unfortunately, when a spouse has an affair, the cheater spouse will often tell themselves bad things about the victim spouse in order to self-justify the cheating. This is what your DH is doing when he is critical of you.

I know you wish you can make him come back to the marriage, but you can’t.  And I don’t only mean you can’t make him come back to YOU, but you can’t make HIM come back. The person that you thought he was, that you thought you were in a relationship with is gone. That person doesn’t exist.

You have only bad choices and the best you can hope is to pick the least bad choice that lets you move on and create a healthy life for yourself and your son.

Speaking of your son - you seem to think this isn’t affecting him since you and your dH are enacting “normal” life with him. But certainly your son knows there is tension in the family. Certainly he knows DH is unreasonably critical of you.  And he knows moving into the basement is not normal.  Think about what you are modeling for him in terms of relationships - would you want him to grow up thinking that it is OK to treat another human the way your husband treats you?  Or that it is OK to accept being treated like that?

Also get some financial advice about college. Marriage and divorce have a big impact on college financial aid.  And, if the European businesses goes badly you could be on the hook for money that you would not be if you were divorced.  Your divorce attorney should advise on establishing funds in the divorce for college for your son. Surely your husband would not begrudge your son that given how much money you guys have?

I hope you have an individual counselor - you have a lot of personal issues to work thru in terms of how this situation affects you and your son and what is a healthy relationship. [/quote]

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